Sunday, February 13, 2011


I've been told to "spit it out" before. I've had people encourage me to move it along with hand gestures. I can see frustration on peoples faces, waiting for me to make my conclusion, watching me stumble over the things that come out of my mouth. Simply put, I sometimes, more often than not, have a difficult time making my point. No one has really confirmed this with me, perhaps it is all in my head. But I'm pretty sure the confused looks that I see and impatience that I get is real. It is why I normally remain quiet and say nothing.
I have trouble in group settings, I don't like the need of having to fight for air time, because if I do get it, I need more than others do to be able to say what I'm thinking. I don't like being cut off and I've found myself cutting into other people for fear of losing my focus..... I don't like that either. Remaining quiet and saying nothing is sometimes best I find, because trying to keep up with the pace can give me a headache. Even during one on one conversations I can sometimes find things difficult, spinning a little; although I know that when it is only one other individual with me the choice is minimized to either being patient enough to listen or walk away.
Words sometimes get mixed up in my head and I find myself searching for the right thing to say. If I'm in with multiple people the conversation usually rolls right past me before I can get a grip on it. Too much information at once or precise, technical language seems to go whoosh, over my head. I can grasp a lot, I just need to be able to move and digest certain things at my own pace; which is a few steps off from most others.
I find it funny, at least to myself, when I say that words tend to get lost or stuck in my head, because I'm a writer. Words are my thing, or at least they are supposed to be. I have a Creative Writing Diploma that says I graduated with honors, I've published articles, I have a book, people have given me compliments about my writing! So why is it I get my words and thoughts flowing from pen (or keyboard really) to paper smoothly and not from head to mouth so well? When I sit down and write I'm usually alone, no crowd, no pressure, I can go at my own pace. Saying that I am not writing "in real time" doesn't sound right to me, but it is the best explanation I have right now.
I don't consider myself a technically savvy person, I  don't understand or remember computer lingo too well, binary digits, numbers, etc.... But I have accomplished more than I sometimes acknowledge. I have my own website, all created by using HTML code; I am the website content Manager for our website at work; I'm on LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter. In fact, I have my own personal twitter account as well as one for work that I monitor. I'll admit though that it took me a while to get with all the Social media stuff; I still find Twitter a little difficult to keep up with, but I'm trying.
I think the reason  I do so well with all of these things, including writing this blog, is that I am in my own space, working at my own pace with no one around. A few difficulties still arise when it comes to Twitter, or Facebook "chat", or MSN or even texting on the phone. Just as I tend to get derailed with words from the brain to the mouth so do I have complications with transferring words from head to keyboard, it takes a while. When and if I enter a chat I often find myself sitting there observing what the other party has to say; or type.
I communicate better when I have my own space and can take the time to write my words. I can send you a beautifully written email. Don't get me wrong though, I will never want to abandon my interaction with others and I don't think I'll always be just sitting there on the sidelines and never saying anything. I'll still get the looks of confusion, the impatience, (which can lead a person to completely walking away) the "spit it out" phrase, or simply being ignored or passed over, but I'm ok with that.....'cause I can't really change it. And I appreciate having my friends around me too much.
It is who I am.
I'm just glad that I have an outlet that works well for me and that people accept.
I'm a writer...... truely.

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