I see one colour but I feel another.
I have always been that guy who values the concept of the glass being half full. There is always a glimmer of good that rises from the darkness. As a guy who has grown up and lived through a variety of traumatic events, coming at him in many different shapes and from many different directions, I feel that my belief in this holds some merit. My glass half full has done battle with brain injury, cancer, death and much more in between. Those demons, they have knocked on my door and stolen moments and lives. And when this darkness has touched me, I close my eyes, and that is when I see the glass half full, that is when I see the colour silver. It is the colour silver that helps me go beyond, and it gives me a reason to smile and keep my head held high. I feel that it is the best and only alternative.
But before getting to that colour, that silver, that place of safety, comes the crying, the hating, the frustration, the yelling, the confusion, the anger; and it can last and hurt like hell. There is no time limit that can be placed upon such feelings spawned by trauma. And these things need to be felt; to be worked through, and to maybe even be held onto just a little bit so that we can remember. But if I do not allow myself to eventually see the silver, what is the point?
I honour myself, and those touched by the trauma, to see the silver and move forward.
But the colour I feel is something different, and that is the colour purple. Can you feel a colour? Me writing this blog post should tell you my answer. I feel that the colour purple, it is the feeling of safety, of overcoming, of surviving. It is the feeling of uniqueness and creativity. I think it comes from the purple smoke stack tower that stood outside of my window, at the hospital I was in when I was sick; plagued with a viral infection. And it is not so much a vivid memory of the tall structure and its colour, but a feeling from within.
It is because of that feeling, the purple inside, that I am given the strength. The strength to continue on and to get through the fatigue, the loneliness, the confusion, the fear.
I am a true Survivor and that survivorship, it is saturated in purple. Purple has helped my character, my accomplishments, my emotions and my sensitivities, to grow. I have overcome barriers and challenges while drenched in the hidden and underlying colour of purple. My blood, sweat and tears, my soul, all tinged with it…. I swear. I can feel it.
And I feel;
And I move forward.
Do you want to come with me?