Friday, February 11, 2011

First Day

What am I doing here? Do I have enough to say? Do I have anything interesting at all to say? Will people want to read what I write? Why would I open myself up for public scrutiny like this? These and other questions have gone through my mind in not only creating this blog, but almost everything I've done in my life.
By nature I'm a quiet and somewhat shy individual, but there is a bit more to it. I have a disability, a learning disability. I've struggled with challenges in my life since I was six years old and I have felt like I was alone through a lot of it. It has been a long time since my illness, and I've learned a lot, but I still have difficulties to face and barriers to overcome. I have trouble understanding certain things and keeping up with the pace of everyday, "normal" life. This is the main reason I second guess myself, never quite knowing whether or not I'm doing the right thing or if it will be accepted. But the second guessing has improved over time.
I still do it. I still second and third and forth guess; I contemplate and twiddle my thumbs, rub my head in thought, bite my lower lip, and worry about possible outcomes and my response to those outcomes. Overtime things have changed. I have been wasting less and less time worrying about the "what ifs?" and just doing it. Most of the time I land with my two feet on the ground and standing upright. But even if I wobble a bit (or fall) I can now see that I'm not the only one who goes through stuff like this and that I have people there to always support me. I'm not alone and I really never have been.
I don't think my "second guessing" or fear will ever quite diminish itself into nothing, it is something I will always carry around with me just as I know I will always have challenges to face; barriers to overcome. I'm learning and growing all the time and "just doing it" is becoming easier as I gain experience. One of the things that has helped me the most is this, right here; writing. And I think that maybe I have something, or somethings, worthwhile to say...... or write.  Some stuff may be frivolous, but it is all an experience. A tool, a process, a way of learning; for me, and maybe for others. It is one of my own personal challenges in life and we'll see where it goes.

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