Time

It goes by so quickly and yet there are moments when it feels as though it drags on. Time, I suppose, is life. We have too much time, we don't have enough time.

At the age of six time stood still for my parents as I lay in a coma, struck with a viral infection that took away my time; but it was a gift, perhaps my strength and will for life, that gave me more. High School and many other occasions when I faced challenges, I felt the clock ticking backwards, but than I felt that the thirteen years I had with my dad were not enough and sped by too quickly.

There are moments in life when time almost comes to a halt and it can feel as if slow motion has taken over. For whatever reason it is the painful moments that are drawn out when the good times snap by, as if in fast forward mode. The fact that society in general seems to be in this undetermined rush for something, for nothing, doesn't help. What is the hurry? Slow it down; can we slow it down? Pay attention to that pretty face; think about the words that are spoken amongst friends; feel the laughter as if it were a hug.

One of the best three day vacations to my friends cottage went by in a flash where as those hours spent sitting in that chair beside my mom in her hospital bed could have been years. But everyday is twenty four hours, there are seven days in week, three hundred and sixty-five days in a year. (unless it is a leap year) How does time bend than like it does? Perhaps it is our emotion. It controls that first kiss moment as well as that long drawn out tear filled heart ache of losing a loved one.

Some people say that their best time, or times, have already come and gone. Maybe it was during their teenage years, in their thirties or forties. For me, I'm still waiting and looking forward.

Time, it is a devilish thing, but so very precious.
Cherish it all I say, whether it comes by you fast or slow.

Purpose

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." Mark Twain

I would never say my life did not serve a purpose throughout my childhood, teenage years and a bit beyond; I just never really thought about it. My life was pretty much consumed with trying to understand things and getting through. Get through public school, graduate high school, figure out the whole friendship angle... never mind the girlfriend thing.
But there came a point, I cannot recall exactly when, that I knew there had to be something more for me. Yes, I enjoyed the creative arts as well as spending time with family and the few friends I had, but something inside gnawed at me and said that these things were not quite it.

My last year of Collage I spent one day a week volunteering at a school my mom taught kindergarten at. (This was before her accident and when she was still working) Spending time helping out with those kids, I felt something click inside of me. But it still took a while to understand.

It was after my mom's accident, combined with the revelation of my brain injury and understanding of why I faced and felt so many challenges, that I discovered something I kind of knew was always there. It was a strong will and a passion to help others; to give back; to become socially responsible. I had a knack for listening and understanding. I wore my heart on my sleeve and brought an open mind into any given situation with any individual.

And so the giving began......


And the giving continues......

Although I am quite proud of all the things I have done and still do, I am not going to share any of it here. Why? Because it is not really the point. All of us, as right minded, good intentioned individuals, have a purpose. Different, yes. Some may be big, some small....... they're actually all big even if you can't see it yourself, someone can. And that is the point, we all have purpose; whether you realize what it is or not. We need to listen to that small voice that fights for inspiration. We are all important, we just need to know it.

Maybe you have already made the discovery, but for some , I believe the search still goes on. We know it when we know it and I think purpose sometimes comes to us when, and in ways, we least expect.

Perspectives

It is difficult to remember what my perspective on life was in my earliest years other than happiness and amazement at everything new (like most young children I suppose), but I can tell you that since my hospital stay in 1978 at the age of six and then into my teenage years, and all throughout high school, it was Survival. Survive the confusion; Survive the chaos; Survive the frustration; Survive the classroom lectures and tests. Aside from this though, I must admit that my life was also full of many great times with some pretty awesome friends, plenty of memories to carry with me that make me smile. But still, Survival was how I saw everything.

"How can I get through this and do well?"

That question, for me, applied to school classes, friendships, home life. I loved life and everything about it, but I didn't understand.

There were few times that this perspective changed to fear; fear of losing; missing out; being alone and misunderstood. This perspective was shared by want; wanting to fit in; wanting for people to think I was cool even though I knew that what I said (when I said something) and what I did, was not.

In college, my early twenties, is when my perspective changed once again, and it brought back confusion. Survival confusion, like before? Yes. But more off balancing. The questions in my mind were

"Was I crazy or was this world crazy?"

"Learning Disability, what?"

And a few years later, "Brain Injury, what?"

Coming to an understanding after so many years of what I was living with first brought about a perspective of anger (Toward the doctors? toward my family?) Anger was placed on everything in my life. But soon that anger was replaced by a serenity; and I realized that this was perspective I maybe should of had all along.

"Did my misplaced perspectives keep me from seeing and feeling?"

Perhaps it was all of those different feelings and outlooks that got me to this place. Confusion, frustration, anger.... the challenge of surviving, was and continues to be all still there; but it is not all consuming. The light is beaming through the trees. The fog has lifted. Because of knowledge gained, because of self awareness, because of compassion, I can live in peace and see the beauty.

The draining heartache that society can be still often throws a shadow over things, but I have found ways in which to keep myself from falling. As difficult as things may be, as much as life can suck from time to time, I have realized I am Survivor in so ways; and that the prevailing darkness that occasionally skews my perspective, can itself be overshadowed.... by me.

We can all change our perspectives to keep the darkness away..... this is what I think; this is what I hope.

Just a Boy

Having stood there on that very hot and humid day I closed my eyes and felt the wind blow against the back of my tall and skinny frame. This breeze surrounded me and for a moment there was nothing else that has ever felt so good; so pleasant.

Throughout my life I have occasionally experienced feelings of bliss, love, ease and/or comfort. Happiness is brought about during these moments; a beautiful sensation of being able to just breath and let go of all the heartache, pain, stress and exhaustion that this life can bring.

In my mind I recall sitting on the hill in the community in which I grew up and feeling a similar breeze; it is a memory I carry. Though the sensation of the breeze is only a pleasant thought I’ve added; but the memory gives me the feeling just the same. It is the feeling of not just the breeze, but to be able, or allowed, to let go, to be... just a boy.

Not the six year old boy who sustained a brain injury that he was sentenced to carry for life, not the boy who developed a learning disability, nor the struggles or the setbacks that littered his path. No, none of those things; just a boy; a boy of happiness and innocence and joy.

I don’t care for hot and humid days. I don’t need to return to that hill. But I would like to take that breeze and bottle it, turn it into a blanket that I can wear whenever and wherever I want and feel the need for. I know that this feeling is not what life is, and that is fine. I have learned to live with and overcome a lot. My survival is not dependent on this feeling, but I do wish it were more accessible. It is not, and I don’t know why. Is life to blame? Is society to blame? Am I to blame? Am I missing something?

Bring on the heartache, pain, confusion, exhaustion. Bring on life’s challenges and struggles. I’ve been dealing with these things since the age of six. I have learned how to fight against them. Family and friends have helped me with this; they have helped me to understand and grow.

All I want is for the walls to come down, even if for just a moment, and for the lucidity to blow on through. I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting that breezy feeling; that blanket. Just like I do not think that there is anything wrong with wanting to occassionally return to a time or feeling when I was just a boy.

I think I deserve that feeling.

I think we all deserve our own breezes and blankets.

Challenging Barriers & Walking the Path is a book about struggles, growth, family, friends, tears, smiles, and… just a boy.

Visit http://markkoning.com/ChallengingBarriers.html to purchase your copy.

 

 

The Contentment of Loneliness

I know that the title sounds a bit off, but I think we can still be content in our lives even when feeling the occasional pangs of loneliness. No? Maybe it's just me.
I have a handful of friends and I am in no current intimate relationship. People have come and gone from my life and I have loved and lost, and all of these moments, I value. These moments may also continue to come and go, or maybe not. Perhaps this is it. Perhaps I have all that I need; and sometimes I think, all that I can handle.

Maintaining the house that I live in, going to my job, taking my dog for walks, writing, enjoying my family, sharing a drink with one of my few close friends, watching a good television program or movie; I am content with these things. Sometimes, dare I say with a smirk on my face, even happy. Do I get lonely? Sure. But I'm willing to bet not much more, if at all, than those who surround themselves with many more relations in comparison to me.

Life is not perfect and my life has been anything but. However, we could also say the opposite of that. I myself am not sure. I'd like to say that my life is perfect because it seems like the right way to look at things.... but I don't know. What I do know is that I am content, and often closer to happiness than sadness. I cherish the people in my life and my moments. I fondly look back on my past, (most times anyway) and I greatly, and anxiously, look forward to the future ahead.

Can You See Me?

I suppose that if you are standing right in front of someone, than yes, I guess technically you can see that person. But when you are looking, do you really see me? Are you listening to me? Are you really taking the time to try and understand me?
I'll admit that I am not the most revealing individual. I will admit too that sometimes my words may be a little confusing. I'm not a very talkative person all of the time.
I tend to often blame myself for not being understood for those very reasons.

But than again I think, wait, no, that is not necessarily right or true.

I do reveal snippets of information and I do choose to use my words wisely to say what I mean and what is important. I may be quiet but I do offer advise, support, maybe even a little imagination. So maybe, just maybe, if I am not understood it is not my fault. It is not my fault if you choose not to stop, slow down, and take the time to listen to my words. It is not my fault if you are too scared to believe in the challenges that I face.
I am not seeking pity, I am looking for an understanding and acknowledgement. Once that understanding is reached, then maybe you and I can find some kind of peace; maybe then we can stop and take a breath and see the value. Realizing that there is no competing; that no one challenge is bigger than another; that we are all on a level playing field and trying our best to get through this thing called life.

If you do not want to see or cannot accept my little snippets, I am not going to fight to reveal more; there is too much fighting and wasted effort on the small things. It is not my responsibility to make you understand.

But you should know this, I do try and I have accomplished things. My opinions do matter and my words are valued. My presence and my actions are appreciated. My experiences are meaningful, helpful and inspirational even. My love and compassion hold next to no bounds.
So it is a shame. It is a shame that the voiceless are overlooked, that the quiet or soft spoken are often misunderstood, and that assumptions are made. It is a shame if you do not stop and really look, because even if you may refuse to see me, I will always be here, trying, to see you.

Giving Hope

I'm sure we have all played the game where you state the super power you would like to have most, and it can be challenging to say the least because their are some great powers to have. I often find myself stumped at this as my mind races through the X-Men movies or the Hero's television show.

 

******

The other night I had a dream that I had come to possess a power, and it was quite different from those discussed in conversation. My power was simply to make people happy.

Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being defined by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy

It is not as easy as it may sound, making people happy. You can't really "make" someone feel... but I suppose that is where the super power comes into play. While handing out large sums of cash (that I don't have) would be pretty awesome, I think happiness truly comes from something else, some other place.

Life is simple; life is beautiful. The best of times are right here for us to grab onto. Unfortunately, even the best of us can tend to have difficulty with this. I myself can get lost in the clouds and begin seeing too much darkness. Maybe society as a whole is to blame for this. Perhaps we as individuals are just as much at fault, if not more. Who knows? I suppose this is why we all need a little help to make our way through; another hand to help guide us. But, there are times I can see clearly. Times that I wish I had that power; the power to give happiness and offer hope.

I want people to see what I see in those moments. When beautiful sunsets are happening all of the time, even at noon hour, if you look real heard. When serene is a blanket that covers our shoulders and shelters us from any and all chaos. When kaleidoscopes gently brush at the outer edges of our eyes and help us focus on the precious gifts that do in fact fill our lives.

If I had that power to bestow onto others, perhaps we wouldn't be having those conversations. Talking about having a super power to make our lives somehow better. We could just... be.