Thursday, July 9, 2015

Just a Boy

Having stood there on that very hot and humid day I closed my eyes and felt the wind blow against the back of my tall and skinny frame. This breeze surrounded me and for a moment there was nothing else that has ever felt so good; so pleasant.

Throughout my life I have occasionally experienced feelings of bliss, love, ease and/or comfort. Happiness is brought about during these moments; a beautiful sensation of being able to just breath and let go of all the heartache, pain, stress and exhaustion that this life can bring.
In my mind I recall sitting on the hill in the community in which I grew up and feeling a similar breeze; it is a memory I carry. Though the sensation of the breeze is only a pleasant thought I’ve added; but the memory gives me the feeling just the same. It is the feeling of not just the breeze, but to be able, or allowed, to let go, to be... just a boy.
Not the six year old boy who sustained a brain injury that he was sentenced to carry for life, not the boy who developed a learning disability, nor the struggles or the setbacks that littered his path. No, none of those things; just a boy; a boy of happiness and innocence and joy.

I don’t care for hot and humid days. I don’t need to return to that hill. But I would like to take that breeze and bottle it, turn it into a blanket that I can wear whenever and wherever I want and feel the need for. I know that this feeling is not what life is, and that is fine. I have learned to live with and overcome a lot. My survival is not dependent on this feeling, but I do wish it were more accessible. It is not, and I don’t know why. Is life to blame? Is society to blame? Am I to blame? Am I missing something?

Bring on the heartache, pain, confusion, exhaustion. Bring on life’s challenges and struggles. I’ve been dealing with these things since the age of six. I have learned how to fight against them. Family and friends have helped me with this; they have helped me to understand and grow.

All I want is for the walls to come down, even if for just a moment, and for the lucidity to blow on through. I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting that breezy feeling; that blanket. Just like I do not think that there is anything wrong with wanting to occassionally return to a time or feeling when I was just a boy.

I think I deserve that feeling.

I think we all deserve our own breezes and blankets.

Challenging Barriers & Walking the Path is a book about struggles, growth, family, friends, tears, smiles, and… just a boy.

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