This Is The Moment

As I sit here in the household room I have dedicated to be called my home office I pause and listen to the quiet noise around me. No one is home except for me and my dog who sleeps in the room I now refer to as "the Library". His peace for the moment being close to the treasured books that I have often gotten lost in. Getting lost.....mentally anyway...... something that is not too terribly hard for me to do. It is not difficult for me to lose focus and have my brain drift off track, and so I work hard from day to day to keep it and myself on course. But today I am alone so I allow my thoughts to wander.

I hear the furnace rumble out its heat from the ducts in the walls and I smile to myself at the chirping from the few birds that are outside. If I sit close enough to the window I can feel the sun warm my skin on this late Winter day the calendar calls Spring.

I have allowed frustrations to run wildly through my body over silly things, things I don't have and things I cannot control. But in the quietness of the moment I come to see that I don't really need more than I got and shouldn't worry about control because it will either all work out or it won't and I'll do what I have always done..... survive and keep trying.

This is the moment when I close my eyes and realize that I am a superstar and that I am in love as much as I am loved and if you have to ask if that means something romantic, I cannot help you with an answer.
This is the moment I remind myself that happiness and success are measured and valued wrong, because they come from within ones soul and are NOT checked off from a sunshine list. And I wonder if I have reached my capabilities, my peak, or if more is coming. Because whether it is or not, I am always going to be reaching for more.... more knowledge, more acceptance, more skill, more love, more peace.

This is the moment I stumble upon the revelation that even in my darkest hours I am surrounded by more beauty than I often acknowledge....... I think that applies to most of us. And I know that when I offer my heart to the ones closest to me and those strangers far away it is to a different degree but also very much the same; and it is sad only because some don't realize just how pure and genuine what I offer is. And this is the moment I feel in my heart that I still love this sometimes angry and depressed world and I will never stop.

I remember that when I was six I faced some very difficult challenges and barriers that I still see shadows of today and I know that with time they will get better but some can also get worse. This is the moment when I can let my inner calmness fill my entire body and head so that I can breathe because there are certain factors that will make me forget but also allow me to recall on occasion.

This is the moment to laugh and to cry, to believe, to learn; learn to share, accommodate and accept. This is the moment to realize that it is alright, alright to slow down and catch a breath, to fall behind a little, to be afraid, to be different; there is nothing wrong with being different. Frustration will come again along with its buddies confusion and depression and it is okay. The struggle sometimes felt within is just that, a struggle; neither bad nor good and only we can let it go. Let it go.
It is a time to know that forgetting and than reminding oneself of these moments, these feelings, is part of life; it is part of discovery, vivid and glorious!

This is why we need to cherish our moments, however small and short lived or big and stretched out; because they are all beautiful and they are all worth it.

Painted Walls

There are often times I forget (something I think we all share to a certain degree) to take stock of the things I do have in my life that I should be grateful for. Like many others out there, seeing the bad outweigh the good tends to be, unfortunately, way too easy.

But in my mind, my damaged brain that is overcome with things like frustration, fatigue, confusion and depression, things are often veiled in darkness. It is why my outer me struggles and works extra hard at living in the light, to wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak.

I think that for the most part I accomplish this well as most people who know me only see that optimistic, kind hearted, light-minded person.

I don’t want people to see the darkness because it is not me, or it is not who I want to be. I don’t think people would understand, because I don’t understand.

So every-so-often I need to find a way to remind myself that it is not all that bad. That I have all I really need to be happy. That I should stop putting too much thought into my employment struggles, any financial woes, the relationship challenge; the lack of that special someone and the hardship of finding her...... or if I want that at all. The list can go on and it can become all jumbled.

The last few months, amongst my daily life of work, chores around the house, etc…. I have been busy moving around furniture and painting rooms. My sister, her husband, and their daughter, (my awesome niece!) are preparing to move in. The house is more than spacious enough and I warmly look forward to them getting here; not that we don’t already visit a lot.

But I saw it, with each room I set out upon, with each stroke of the brush, (or paint roller more often than not) the beauty in which I should be focused on. The paint was (even if only briefly; unfortunately) masking the darkness that tends to consume a large part of my life.

Soon my niece’s beautiful smile will be an ever present fixture in my home. My sister and her husband will be there to lend relief and a helping hand. But more importantly than that, I need to remind myself, they are part of my life whether under a common roof or not. I also have my writing; an ability to put thought to paper that is always there to help me “work it out”. I have a few good cherished friends that offer inspiration to me that I need to acknowledge in my own head. I have a four legged friend who sees only the best in me.

And I do have other moments that bring brightness to my day; maybe not BIG moments, but they are there. Peacefully getting lost in the pages of a good book; having someone at work praise me for a job well done; going for a walk; reading an online blog from friends I haven't met but can relate to. There are more to mention, but they’d be too many. The problem is that they seem to quickly drown and become consumed by the veil of darkness.

I don’t have a lot, but I don’t think I want a lot. I don’t know if my little brain could handle a lot. But what I do have I need to remember counts for more than enough. And like the fresh coat of paint being rolled onto the wall, I can roll away the ugliness to reveal those moments, those awesome things that I do have. I just need to apply a fresh coat every-so-often (symbolically) for me to be able to see.

Tik Tok

I often feel like I am in a battle with time and I don't know if I am winning.

I suppose like most other people, we tend to feel that time is slipping away just a bit too quickly. And it is something we cannot control..... minutes, hours, days, years. Their lasting abilities are always set. Time management is not an easy thing to figure out in a world that is full of so much . Workloads on the job seem to be ever increasing, traffic seems to be getting busier and becoming more delayed, (even though people seem to want to drive like madmen) and technology..... which can translate into Social Media, seems to be forever expanding and growing. Facebook, Twitter, the list goes on.

For someone who has a difficulty with time, with keeping up, it becomes frustrating and confusing when I find the ones that I have difficulty keeping up with, having difficulty keeping up. At a normal pace I can find myself two or three steps behind....never mind this.

Everyday I have to re-organize my time because pretty much every day for me is different. I know that days differ for everyone, but I am not necessarily talking about wrenches being thrown into the mix, I'm referring to my own personal speed of being able to get through a twenty-four hour period. My ability to get dressed and ready for work, for example, varies. I think I follow the same steps as every morning, but time spans aren't alike. Tasks at work, eating lunch or dinner, writing a blog, reading ten pages of a book. These things and others, seemingly similar in pattern, tend to take more or less time every other time I do them.

My brain injury resulted in much damage, but I'm pretty sure that it created for me my own clock, whether I want it or not.

Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate the things time has time given; both past and present. I've accomplished things, I've had good (even amazing) friends come and go, I greatly value my family. But it hasn't been easy. I have had to prioritize and that has only come through learning. I am still learning that there are things I cannot do because of time. Articles I cannot read, things I cannot write. I do continue to try, but I'm realizing there are times I just cannot do a certain task because other things are too important and I need the time to do them.

It can be very frustrating! But I guess I am learning that I don't really need to worry that much about losing the battle with time; or maybe I should re-phrase that to say that I shouldn't really worry or care much for the battle, period. I don't need to cram it all in. I need to remind myself of that. Maybe we all do.

Simple Things Made Hard

I work for a non-profit organization that assists service providers with the integration of job seekers with disabilities into the workplace. We are a resource of disability employment related issues. We share information and make connections. We work at promoting awareness and education toward the Abilities of one of our largest minorities; people with disabilities.

Two words that I find mentioned quite often in this line of work are Equal Opportunity and Inclusion.

Equal opportunity is a stipulation that all people should be treated similarly, unhampered by artificial barriers or prejudices or preferences, except when particular “distinctions can be explicitly justified.”

Inclusion is a practice in which different groups or individuals having different backgrounds like origin, age, race and ethnicity, religion, gender, disability, sexual orientation and identity and any other, are culturally and socially accepted and welcomed; engaging each individual and making people feel valued.

Together it could be simply put, ‘Fairness for All’

When you get right down to it, neither of these things come with a cost. For someone to offer Equal Opportunities or Inclusion it is all a state of mind; a willingness to do the right thing. And almost everyone will freely agree they offer those things. But do they? Do Equal Opportunity and Inclusion really exist?

Of course they do. Being someone who has a learning disability that stems from a brain injury, who openly talks about it, and has friends and a good job, someone who is given opportunity, I can say that those things definitely exist. But being someone who has been through a lot, has seen a lot, and continues to see a lot, I can also verify to you that those two simple things are not so easy to find.

I am not really sure why this seems to the case, but it is. Is it because of a fear of the unknown? Is it because most will easily settle for believing a misconception or myth as opposed to digging a little for the truth? Or are the majority of people using these words really that uncaring? Saying they believe in something when they really don’t.

I tend to think it is that people just don’t really understand and that there is no real Acceptance. Another one of those simple things made much more difficult than it need be.

Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit.

That negative or uncomfortable situation is usually because there is little to no effort put forth to try and understand.

What it comes down to is this, our biggest challenges, dilemmas, frustrations and problems are not really the problems. The problem is our attitudes toward these things; these situations. Attitudinal barriers cause us, as humans, the biggest headaches and most difficult challenges, and sadly, they are the simplest to remedy.

Hear Not but Listen Up

Maybe this is just me and it might be because I am an emotional person, though I don't really know if the word "emotional" is correct as I feel like it might lead you to believe that I am crying all of the time. But I do not know another word to use that best describes feelings and thoughts. And it is when trying to relay those feelings and thoughts that I encounter problems.

Whether you want to say that I am a shy individual because that is my personality or that I remain quiet and do not communicate as much or in the same manner as others because my disability or brain injury makes things more challenging for me, makes no difference. I consider my personality and disability to be one in the same (pretty much)..... they are part of the make-up of who I am.

I have difficulties with words (coming from a writer that sounds strange; but I am referring to the verbal kind), expression and over-thinking. I don't necessarily want to be heard, but there are times I would like people to listen.

Webters dictionary gives these definitions:
Hear = perceive with the ear; listen to; try/get to know. Perceive sound; learn.
Listen = try to hear; give attention in order to hear.

I know that those definitions seem similar. "Hear" and "Listen" are the same you might say. But I don't think they are, and perhaps some of you may agree with me that they are not.

Wikipedia gives these definitions:  
Hear is to detect sound.
Listen is how the brain processes what you hear.

These definitions I think make it a little more clear and because (in my opinion) detection is often more simple than process, most people tend to hear someone and that is it. In my case, I believe people hear me (when I do speak) but rarely listen. I do understand that this could be partly my fault for sometimes over stating things to a point where it becomes confusing, but I usually end up doing this only because I feel that no one is really listening. And like I said above, I may be over-thinking things a little as well.

To me, to listen is to understand or at least try to, it's sympathizing and perhaps even giving specific advise..... not always, but sometimes. To listen is not necessarily about "fixing" someones problem(s). Listening is not "waiting to speak". Listening is not "comparing".
I am fully aware that everyone gets tired or has headaches. I know that people are living on the streets and have it worse than me. When these are the responses I get from what I say, I know people really aren't taking the time to listen.

I follow a few other blogs and one in particular that I read the other day titled "I Want to Attempt Suicide and Not Die" by Natasha Tracy at Bipolar Burble, sank in and made complete sense to me. I made my own interpretations and I realize that her post was written for different reasons other than what I am saying here..... but perhaps not. And if anyone, after reading this, asks me if I want to, or think about, attempting suicide, then they will be helping to drive home my point, that people would rather hear..... or in this case, read.

Some people just want someone to listen to them. People should have the right to speak about their feelings and not be judged or analyzed. In the society we live, "Not being heard" isn't the problem, it's that people tend to feel like "No one is Listening".

I think many people do want to share and listen and understand, but in a fast paced environment and a world that seems to run on ideas like "the faster the better" and being about "Me Me Me", listening can be a challenge. In fact, I sometimes think people just don't know how or perhaps are even afraid to listen because they may sense a need to do something more. I do though have to acknowledge that there are people out there who simply don't want to listen.

But we all do need to try a little more often because otherwise those individuals (like myself) with a need for someone to occasionally listen, REALLY LISTEN, will stop the attempt at dialogue and suffer in silence. And honestly, to do it all you need is a little patience, an open mind and ear. We do all have ears, but unfortunately patience and an open mind are are hard to come by.

Feeling Blah!

As wonderful as the Christmas season can be, it presents challenges that can be quite difficult for a few. It is a time of year for family and joy that not all of us have....... but then again, perhaps if we could really sit back and enjoy the value and sense of "family and joy", the holidays may prove a little less stressful. I mean, maybe things would be much easier and we'd all sense a little more happiness if we took the words of Dr. Seuss, "Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store." and really went with it.

But it is not just the onslaught of Christmas songs on the radio, the chaos in the malls, the pressure of present giving, family visits, the parties, the food, the decorations. It is the cold and harsh weather. The cloud cover and lack of sun. The tension of driving, or trying to move anywhere, through snow, wind and sleet. The shoveling. Trying to stay warm. Trying to do things for yourself when you can't help worrying or thinking about others. It is tiring and it is lonely and it can give one a feeling of being lost.

I had the most wonderful three days over Christmas with my family, but is over; and right now, as I write this, I am tired. I look out the window and I get lost; not in thought, in nothingness. I feel alone but not alone.... if that makes sense. As much as I want to be by myself right now I want to be with my loved ones again. I see the flying snow outside and I absolutely dread having to go out and shovel, but part of me knows I'll enjoy doing it and getting the cold fresh air. There are times when I even think that the falling snow is one of the most beautiful things this world offers. That is how my injured brain works......(not that everyone with a brain injury feels these things) and the awkward thoughts and feelings are there all year through, but seem to intensify during the wintery months.

And I write in this blog because it helps me understand me. Writing has become a bit of a coping mechanism to get through. It allows me to be expressive in ways I don't know how to be in any other form. I write in this blog so maybe people might get a chance to understand. I write to maybe help others who feel similar things but feel like they have no means of expressing it.

I think one of the hardest things about feeling these kind of...... blahs, this depression, is expressing it. I don't mean just finding the words, but actually saying or writing it. The feedback from others can a little overwhelming or not needed..

"I thought you were happy? Where you lying?" That's what they might say. And how do you answer that? That day I was happy. Most days I am happy. But sometimes I'm not, and it is not that I'm sad, I'm just..... blah. And the change can be a frequent occurrence.

Blah can mean a few different things, but according to the online Urban dictionary Blah is:

a word commonly used to describe an emotional state in which the person feels a sense of having no hope; usually during a deep depression. 

Those who feel depression and mood swings I'm sure feel them all on different levels. These periods can stretch themselves out over time or can be over within mere hours. And we all have different coping mechanisms. The challenge within us is a struggle, but the challenge that can come from others, the misunderstanding and all that, can be just as hard.... because it brings on guilt. I'm sorry if you cannot understand that I can be happy and function normally and feel Blah at the same time; but I can. Just because I feel lonely on certain days does not mean I think I am alone in life or that meeting new people will solve my problem. Just because I say I feel lost and out of control does not mean I have gone insane.

Let it be. Try to understand that happiness and depression can sometimes come from the same place and it can be okay.  Because the brightest things can come from the darkest places. Life's beauty isn't completely lost in those moments of blurriness.

I absolutely love my family. I cherish my friends. I enjoy my work. Through all of these things I try to be a good person and live an uplifting life and share that with others. But I still get hit with depression, I still get tired, I still get the Blahs. But I am still me, and it is all okay.

A Belief

I don't like the fact that time seems to pass as quickly as it does. I mean, I feel like we are missing something. I think I know what it is, but I have a hard time explaining it; though I will try.

The joy of this current wonderful Christmas season should spread itself throughout the year; unfortunately, it does not. And sometimes, for many it may seem, the joy of this season is minimal at best. But celebrating during this festive season is important, not only because of the biblical significance, but because it is a time where we get ready to say goodbye to an old year and welcome in a new one.
It is a time to reflect on accomplishments, family and friends. I think maybe even on hard times and tragedies. Because it is a time to clear the air within ourselves, to set new goals and renew our faith for better times. It is a time for hope.
There is always a time for hope.

Perhaps you may think I am being a bit naive when I say that I truly believe in a universal love. But I do still dream of a day when we will all get along and settle peacefully into this world. A time when we will ALL simply realize that certain things are just wrong and unnecessary, and we will unite our hands.

I know full well that cruelty and evil exist. I see it and I feel it. I certainly don't understand it; and I do not think any explanation will ever change that. I cannot grasp these inhumane acts of terror when life can offer us enough hardship as is where we have no control. It breaks my heart to know of all the sadness and death in the world; that there are people who simply seem chose to live life by way of cheating, lying, stealing and hurting people.

But, there are others. Individuals who lend a helping hand, who promote fairness and share goodwill. I've witnessed strangers exchange kindness and I've seen true beauty. It is here where my faith lies. It may be hard sometimes, granted. But to me, it is a combination of all these things, all the gentle souls and kind little differences, that make the difference.
My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to all those who are touched by tragic events; to anyone suffering loss or going through hardships. But I will always, strain if needed, see the glass half full so to speak. To me, there is no other way.

I believe in humanity.
I believe in kindness and love, grace and virtue.
I believe in strength and courage and perseverance.
That is what I think we might be missing. That the light really does outshine the darkness.
I believe it.
Because I believe in you!