Thursday, March 14, 2013

Painted Walls

There are often times I forget (something I think we all share to a certain degree) to take stock of the things I do have in my life that I should be grateful for. Like many others out there, seeing the bad outweigh the good tends to be, unfortunately, way too easy.
But in my mind, my damaged brain that is overcome with things like frustration, fatigue, confusion and depression, things are often veiled in darkness. It is why my outer me struggles and works extra hard at living in the light, to wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak.
I think that for the most part I accomplish this well as most people who know me only see that optimistic, kind hearted, light-minded person.
I don’t want people to see the darkness because it is not me, or it is not who I want to be. I don’t think people would understand, because I don’t understand.

So every-so-often I need to find a way to remind myself that it is not all that bad. That I have all I really need to be happy. That I should stop putting too much thought into my employment struggles, any financial woes, the relationship challenge; the lack of that special someone and the hardship of finding her...... or if I want that at all. The list can go on and it can become all jumbled.

The last few months, amongst my daily life of work, chores around the house, etc…. I have been busy moving around furniture and painting rooms. My sister, her husband, and their daughter, (my awesome niece!) are preparing to move in. The house is more than spacious enough and I warmly look forward to them getting here; not that we don’t already visit a lot.

But I saw it, with each room I set out upon, with each stroke of the brush, (or paint roller more often than not) the beauty in which I should be focused on. The paint was (even if only briefly; unfortunately) masking the darkness that tends to consume a large part of my life.

Soon my niece’s beautiful smile will be an ever present fixture in my home. My sister and her husband will be there to lend relief and a helping hand. But more importantly than that, I need to remind myself, they are part of my life whether under a common roof or not. I also have my writing; an ability to put thought to paper that is always there to help me “work it out”. I have a few good cherished friends that offer inspiration to me that I need to acknowledge in my own head. I have a four legged friend who sees only the best in me.

And I do have other moments that bring brightness to my day; maybe not BIG moments, but they are there. Peacefully getting lost in the pages of a good book; having someone at work praise me for a job well done; going for a walk; reading an online blog from friends I haven't met but can relate to. There are more to mention, but they’d be too many. The problem is that they seem to quickly drown and become consumed by the veil of darkness.

I don’t have a lot, but I don’t think I want a lot. I don’t know if my little brain could handle a lot. But what I do have I need to remember counts for more than enough. And like the fresh coat of paint being rolled onto the wall, I can roll away the ugliness to reveal those moments, those awesome things that I do have. I just need to apply a fresh coat every-so-often (symbolically) for me to be able to see.

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