I Never Cried

I was thirteen years old when my dad passed away. I clearly remember my mom telling me and my sister in our living room. It had been seven years since I had been hospitalized with a brain infection that had sucked away a good portion of my life and my understanding of things; but this was beyond horrifying! I felt awful, a large chunk of my life was being stomped on; my dad was gone............ but I never cried.
I haven't thought a whole lot about that pivotal moment in my life until a little while ago when I was listening to someone I knew explain how he had felt when, just recently, his dad had passed away. He spoke of how over time and dealing with certain events we learn how to handle our grief, yet he explained how him and his family were truly upset over their father's passing. I could see the sadness on his face and hear it in his words.
Are we ever supposed to get better at handling grief?
His dad was with him a lot longer than my dad was with me. Is that supposed to make a difference?

Losing a loved one is earth shattering, no doubt, but there are also many, many other challenges we face that are difficult. Walking through life with a disability and barriers that I face because of it has proven very tasking at times. I'm sure others have come up against mountains to climb as well. I have faced unemployment and been unemployed and it can be very scary. Once you find yourself out of that employment ring, even for a moment, it can be quite challenging to get back into. Expenses in life are high and stressful. Romantic relationships, friendships and even family can present trials and tribulations to ones life. Depression, frustration and confusion are really, unfortunately, not that hard to come by. It is easy to feel bad and worthless because things aren't the way they are supposed to be.
But is anything really supposed to be?

Don't get me wrong, people should have jobs and work and contribute. People need to make money to pay bills and feel self worth. People need to be open and accepting to ALL forms of relationships. Doing the right thing and trying your best and sharing and loving are definitely things that should be done. This is the way to live. To lend a helping hand and to be pro-active. But even if we do all of this and try real hard and things don't work out, because life has proven time and time again to have its challenges, no one should feel like they've lost.
"This isn't the way it is supposed to be." I've heard it before and I'm sure it will be uttered somewhere again. We all get to feeling down about things when they don't work out. I've been there, I've felt it, and I am sure I'll feel it again. It is what it is.
There is no supposed to. Things in life change all the time and we need to remember, I need to remember, that we have the power to feel about it any way we want, all of us.
Because just like I never cried, we feel and then deal with it in our own way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Ready, Set, ......... Wait!

I'm sure a lot of us know what it is like to think of things that should have been said during a conversation, only after that conversation is done. It happens to me on a fairly regular basis. I don't often regret, if at all, anything I've said because I usually don't say a whole lot. If anything, I tend to regret that, not saying quite enough. But, in my defense, I do have trouble keeping up at times and just concentrating on the topic at hand and what others are saying, that is enough for me. And honestly, I really do not understand why things always have to be so rushed. Really, what IS the hurry?
Technology also has, and still is, growing by leaps and bounds. It took quite a while for me to get a computer and then get online just to establish email. It took me some time to think over and grasp the concept behind Facebook and even longer with Twitter; and it seems those programs want to keep changing formats.
I understand that things change and there is a need for evolution to continue, but why so fast?
My cell phone is great and does the required thing it is meant for, I think most do, yet there seems to be this pressure to constantly change and update. I like buying and collecting the movies that I enjoy most but the transition from VHS to DVD to Blue Ray and beyond I don't get. Where did the demand for all this quick turnaround come from?
There are quite a few vehicles on the roads these days and it almost seems like they all are in a hurry to get somewhere. We here stories of people breaking speed limits on highways, on regular sixty mile an hour roadways and even in school zones.
I'm not sure when the need for all of these changes or the need for things to move along so quickly happened, but it has almost, in  my opinion, gotten a little out of control in some cases. I think we are even at a point where people who do start to feel a little exhausted, out of place and want to slow down are too afraid to do just that, because the peer pressure of "keeping up with the Jones'" has become society's norm.
I get the feeling that the saying "stop and smell the roses" is now somewhat of a joke, something people will laugh at. Not because it's not understood or a funny sounding saying, but because of the pressure to keep going in both the social and business world. The philosophy that it has to get done now seems to be a universal one.

When I first thought of this simple title to my blog, "Ready, Set, ....... Wait!" I was thinking in my mind about all of the things I've mentioned above and even more. How I would sometimes feel better if I could place the world in slow motion. But now something else runs through my mind; a funny and perhaps profound memory of my father.
I was probably around twelve and I was spending a beautiful summer afternoon with my family, including my sister, parents, grandparents and aunt and uncle. My uncle, dad and I lined up in the field for a race that my mom, aunt, Oma and sister watched. My Opa shot his pretend starters pistol, and at that exact moment my dad froze in a running motion pose while his trousers dropped to his ankles revealing his tighty whiteys. Everyone paused in a moment of puzzlement and then burst out in laughter! I think that that moment, that memory,sums it up. Wait, we're family, together on a beautiful afternoon, let's enjoy the moment as much as we can and smile and laugh.
There is no need to rush, or race, we got time, that goes for all of us. Time goes by too fast, it is not something we can change. But we can change our actions; we can stop and smell the roses. Just stop sometime and look at what is around you. Close your eyes and listen. The laughter of my mom with one of her care-givers while working in the kitchen, my dog yawning, the crackling flames by the outside bonfire, the waves of the water at the lake near where I live. These are beautiful sounds, sounds of life..... because a beautiful life is all around us and happening right now. We just need to slow down and wait to let it all sink in.
All of that beauty that we want, the things to make our lives easier, less stressful, more enjoyable even, are there whether we speed through it or not. I don't think any of us want things to fly by too quickly before we can really enjoy life. Let's just relish a bit in the right now.

Trendy Indifference

I’m not really someone you would refer to as a trendy person. I’ve never really been one to follow trends and I’m definitely not a trend setter. I have difficulty with both comprehending and keeping up….. especially in today’s world when things seem to change so often.

Clothes were always a challenge for me in my public and high school years. I just couldn’t be bothered with looking the “cool” part; being accepted for just being there and keeping up and understanding were the things that mattered to me. I never really put together that my choice of clothing might just play a part in all of that…. at least socially.  I also didn’t really know what made me look “cool” or “hip”, so I just went with comfort and looking somewhat decent and clean. (I still do not quite understand how it is that I got the occasional snicker when deciding to wear jogging pants to school and now-a-days it seems wearing pajama bottoms in public is acceptable.) 

I never wanted to dress flashy or wear anything that would make me stand out, I just wanted to blend in. I found it difficult at times to even do just that. I didn’t want to feel different either and it became frustrating when I did manage to catch on to a trend only to realize it was old and everyone had moved to something else. I got through, sometimes uncomfortably, with a very casual look. I ended up getting help from a few friends and my sister who gave me the confidence to at least know what to look for. From that I eventually developed my own self in dressing, realizing that unless you felt comfortable with who you were one could never really quite look good in anything they wore. 

I now mostly dress casual to business casual, depending on where I am at. I also realize different circumstances may call for different apparel. I still don’t quite get the whole ‘trend’ thing, I find myself behind quite often and I can’t keep up; but I try. Usually though, I just follow my own trend and do what I feel is best. I figure that I’m either accepted or not, and I find that as long as I’m displaying a certain confidence and standing tall, for the most part I am accepted.

The technology trend is the latest thing I have had trouble keeping up with. I was the last out of almost everyone I know to get online; even having a computer and using email. Once again I found myself not being able to keep up, or even understand. What is it that is so important about having the latest cell phone or software? It took me a while to understand Facebook and for a long time I stayed away from Twitter. 

I try to do my best keeping up with things, but it isn’t easy. I still don’t get all of the changes and everything can be just so fast. But there is one thing this hard to grasp technology allows me to do, something that can be done at my own pace, something that can be done by my own hands, and that is to write. I get to write, and share and communicate while not having to worry about keeping up and following the latest trends. Pen to paper has always allowed me to write but this technology allows me to more easily share and get feedback and communicate in a way I can’t always do so well at on my on.

So just like with the clothes, I’ve learned to adapt. I think that as long as I’m trying to keep myself somewhat in the game and at the same time just being who I am, but confidently, I’ll be ok. I also think that "trends" and trying to keep up are traps. Being true to ones own self is what's most important.

Stuck In The Middle

I think it is safe to say that mostly all of us have heard the saying, "nice guys finish last". Is this saying true? Is it not true? I believe both and that is why I am stuck in the middle.
Ever since I can remember I have been a nice guy. I know that this may sound a little self involved, but I've heard it over and over and over again. I have been called the quiet, shy, responsible, helpful and caring individual.
"You're such a nice guy," they would say. Blah! Where has it gotten me?

I'm not financially wealthy, I struggle with money; I struggle with life. I easily get confused and frustrated. I can be slow at certain things and quite often feel physically drained, or a bit sluggish. I have only a handful of friends and I've lost quite a few others. I've lost both my Grandparents, I lost my dad at a pretty early age. My mom has had an accident that she has to struggle with every day. Romantic relationships have not worked out for me. I work hard and have a lot of skills to offer and yet I've never really had what you'd call a great, lasting career. I've made some mistakes and have been hurt through them
Finishing last sometimes feels exactly that. And that saying, it seems, is one I've latched onto and drag around with me everywhere. I can't seem to shake it. But I know deep down that being the quiet, shy, responsible, helpful, caring individual is who I am.There is no changing it because I don't want to change it.
I have a good home to live in, a good family that I love and loves me, and few that there may be, I have some terrifically wonderful friends. Everything I've gone through in life I've learned from and some of those things have been for the better. I am not bummed about not having a romantic partner. (Although that does not mean I don't want one) I cherish my time alone, a time I get to do things I enjoy, like exploring my creative side..... writing, going out for walks with my awesome dog, working around the house, (yeah, that's right, I enjoy it) and volunteering from time to time to lend a helping hand.

But still, I just can't seem to shake that saying. It is like a little voice popping into my head every time something bad or difficult to handle happens, "nice guys finish last you know?" Over the years, over time when I've learned and grown I have slowly been able to overpower that voice and not let that saying bother me so much. It still remains though, I don't know if it will ever go away. I'm sure we all have something that brings us down, that Achilles heel. But it is that shadow of omnipotence and inner strength that I try to focus on. It's a different voice that I should be listening to, a clearer voice that tells me "There is no finishing last, because there is no race."

I'm Not As Tall As I Stand

For as long as I can remember I have always been the tall, lanky kid. For a quiet and shy boy who just wanted to blend in and sometimes even disappear, it did not help. The idea of sticking out frightened me. I got names like, "daddy long legs" or "green giant"; no "jolly" that I can remember. I don't ever recall sensing a playful tone behind those name callings either; whether they were there or not I was too insecure to hear.
I was constantly hammered with two on-going questions, "how is the air up there?" and "do you play basketball?" I really began to despise those questions. I'm fairly certain that a foot or two shorter than myself and the air was and is exactly the same, and at present time, being six foot four inches I can tell you I never have played and have no intentions to play professional basketball. I may have touched a ball once or twice but I was on no team in or out of school. It was just not my game. I have trouble with the whole dribble, move, watch concept; I did then and I do now. I may shoot some hoops but that's it.
If and when I was dragged to a school dance or out to a club with friends, I stuck like glue to the wall. The glue eventually came off, but I still remained close. I got this self conscience thing going on where I'd be afraid people were watching and laughing. "Watch the tall kid," I would hear in my mind. For similar reasons I never liked sitting in the front row; still don't really. I used to slouch too, not just sitting, but walking around. I was told it had to do with me being asthmatic and instinctively wanting to protect my chest from the cold. And while that may have been true I think I was also shying away from my fear and confusion to things in the outside world.
Over the years growing up I've been through quite a bit and learned a lot that I'm thankful for. But two things that really stick out in my mind when it came to me really standing up were my mom and the memory of a kid named Roger.

My mom took a serious fall quite a few years ago and the result was an acquired brain injury that haunts her to this day and will for the remainder of her life. Even before the accident I was nervous about things, a bit fearful in fact, depressed, a little lost, unemployed, no girlfriend, few friends; I really didn't think of my life as much of a success story. I had lost my grandparents, my dad too. Now this thing with mom!
I could have easily thrown in the towel, but I didn't. I had friends; I had my sister; and I still had my mom. She deals, very well I might add, with her barriers in life, and from that I knew I could to. One of the first days my mom was in the hospital I recall being at home, sitting quietly in her room, going through papers I wasn't even looking at. My sister came in, stood by my side and placed her hand on the top my head. She said nothing and only sighed. I did eventually hear a voice though, inside, and it said, "Stand up." So I did.

I went through a writing program once and I did real well. I enjoy writing and I really do consider it a great source for therapy. After graduating from the program, with honors I might add, and learning all that I did, I took on a very personal assignment. I put together a short story which I titled "Taking The Time", a story about me and what it was I went through. It led me to researching some things about my illness as well as taking a trip down memory lane with a fairly thick scrap book my mom and dad had put together for me; included in it were drawn pictures from my sister, stories from my best friend, and "Get Well" cards I received. Quite a few of those cards were from the students that were in my classes from school.
I recalled, after reading all of those cards that brought a smile to my heart, that when I returned to school a year later (which you can read about in my dissertation "Breaking Down Barriers")  I befriended a classmate named Roger. Grade one was so long ago things are a bit hazy and I don't remember a whole lot about Roger, I can't even recall his last name. But when the teacher had an announcement to make, a lesson to teach or wanted to tell a story and would gather all of the kids down in front, Roger would encourage me, and challenge me, to sit up straight and tall. And that's what I did.

So now at thirty-eight years old and at a height of six foot four inches tall I know that I stand much taller than my physical appearance. Maybe it is why some people continuing asking me if I'm still growing. I suppose I am still growing, in a way. I'm still learning and I know that there is no age when you stop learning. There are times that I still get confused and scared, but I know now that it is alright. I know how to get through difficulties in life because I am aware of my self worth. I used to be frightened and even embarrassed of the barriers I face from my disability, but I cherish everything I have learned and still learn by it.
I am still shy and quiet. I still hug the wall when it comes to dancing. I suck at basketball. But I laugh and have fun and I stand tall and proud everyday because I know I can. Life has allowed me to do that. Life allows us all to do that.
  .

Revolving confusions, many frustrations and one anthem

So I quite often get confused, it happens at least once a day. I'm not sure what it is that changes at a faster pace, the world, nature/weather, or people's opinions. I get confused with my role sometimes in both the employment world and my own personal world.
Maybe it's all me. I just don't understand why things that should be easy need to be stretched out and made to be so dramatic. I don't understand why "trying your hardest" or "putting your best foot forward" isn't necessarily always good enough. I'm not entirely naive, I get that things sometimes just don't work out, it's just the going on and on about what went wrong I don't get. And I'm not talking about venting, everyone needs to let off some steam once and a while; I'm referring to the crazy assumptions that can be made, the "blame game", the self-serving actions. It can be frustrating! I've seen people brought to tears and hair pulling frenzies because of it; me included. I probably get more frustrated than confused, though I think the two go hand in hand; most of the time anyway.
My confusion and frustrations in part stem from my life barriers. Having to take a little more time at things or processing certain information slower, if at all, can be daunting. Forgetting things and not being able to focus when rushed or trying to do more than one thing at a time. But it is also everyday stuff, things that I think most people go through..... like traffic! Inflating gas prices! Slow computers that take forever to load a page!!
CONFUSION, FRUSTRATIONS!
CONFUSION, FRUSTRATIONS!!
CONFUSION, FRUSTRATIONS!!!
They're both a part of life and there is unfortunately nothing I know of to change it. But I have learned how to deal with them. The first and foremost is my writing, putting words to paper (or screen) and coming up with a story or interesting (I hope) blog. There are quite a few other things, depending on personal taste, that can be used to divert these nasty bits that get in the way.One of these diversions I think that most people take advantage of is music. There are so many great tunes out there that one can find themselves dancing to, humming or signing aloud with. Songs can be motivating and inspirational.
One song that I really enjoy that comes to mind is Katy Perry's "Firework". There is R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly"; Amanda Marshall's "Believe In You"; "It's a Beautiful Day" by U2; the classic "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" originally sung by Judy Garland; or the ever inspirational "Chariots of Fire" theme music. There are so many other wonderful songs to list; it could go on and on. And even though I may be found singing along in my car at times and enjoying some of these and other songs, my true anthem that my lungs sometimes burn out to is Avril Lavigne's "Take Me Away."
I'm a fan of most of her stuff but it is this song that has struck me. Whether it is the lyrics, the tune, her voice, the way she sings it, I don't know; but as soon as I hear it, it sinks into my skin. I realize that some may say that the lyrics in this song aren't exactly inspiring, but to me they are. When things go wrong, when I feel I've made a mistake, when I feel alone or misunderstood or frustrated at everything going on in my life, I listen to this song and it gets me through. I turn up the volume, I listen to it, I sing along with it, I get pumped up, I bop my head and shoulders to it and all of those crazy things that are dragging me down get pushed aside, stomped out, and I realize just how small all of those problems are. I explode inside and I know I can stand up and handle anything! I have and always will.
Whether it is the same song I chose, one of the ones I mentioned above, or one from a wide variety of other phenomenal tunes, everyone should have an anthem; or something, even if it is not a song. We all have our confusions and frustrations and we all need something or someone to help us realize that we can stand up and handle things.

Though sometimes you'll just want to listen to the song for sake of listening to it, frustrations or not. So if you'll excuse me, I got to go find my anthem.

Hello, I'm Shy; And You Are?

Shy = timid, bashful, awkward in company; reluctant.

Shyness (also called diffidence) is a social psychology term used to describe the feeling of apprehension, lack of comfort, or awkwardness, especially in new situations or with unfamiliar people. Shyness may come from genetic traits, the environment in which a person is raised and personal experiences. There are many degrees of shyness. Stronger forms are usually referred to as social anxiety or social phobia.

Two words used to describe me would be shy and quiet; those words have followed me pretty much my entire life. Most people who know me, I'm sure, would have those two words on their list of adjectives for me.
I am shy. I am quiet. It is my nature.
When I was younger (10 or 12) I hung out with the neighborhood kids putting on plays and making up stories in our basement, but that was just showing off my creative side.
I'm pretty good with kids and the elderly or the sick, but that is just my patience and understanding and kind nature.
Take a look at my resume or work history or ask around and you'll find out that my customer service skills are quite accomplished. I'm good at talking with others because it is usually part of a job and I like making people feel comfortable and at home.
Really though, I prefer to spend down time doing my own thing. I do like hanging out with my friends and taking part in conversations, but usually I prefer to sit and listen. To observe and let others lead.
"Where is Mark?" Off sitting in a corner or in the background, silently trying to blend in.
I am shy. I am quiet. It is my nature.

When it comes to meeting new people it is usually done through work or the handful of friends I already have; most of those through my sister. (Thankfully she doesn't charge me a social networking fee)
I don't like standing in front of groups giving speeches or making presentations.
I don't care to be anywhere near the centre of attention.
I have difficulty when it comes to asking a girl out.
I embarrass fairly easy and my cheeks turn a rosy hue.
I am shy. I am quiet. It is my nature.

Recently when talking about some of the things that I do I was told, "you're really not that shy." But we were talking about a different world; online, cyberspace, and more to the point, the writing world.
I have a website that I've created for my book. I also share other written stories, some of them personal, other artwork I've done and I have a page dedicated to friends, family and other inspirations. (Although only some as the list of things I find inspiring could get very long) My most recent prose piece is a very personal view on my life and some of the things that I have gone through.
I Twitter, I Facebook, and now I blog.
Through my writing and this technological world I have learned to open up, to be honest, to evolve a little. But the way I see it, it is not about NOT being shy. It is about sharing and learning and understanding. The more I write about myself, the more I share, the more I think I grow and understand. I need that. For various reasons I find life scary and confusing at times! But when I write and tweet and blog and then read other blogs and tweets and Facebook messages and listen I begin to understand and feel more comfortable and not be afraid. Most importantly though, sharing my writing and my thoughts allow me to express myself in a way that I really don't consider to be about me; I get to contribute and to share my experiences with others. And if, by chance, I get to help with my words..... even better. And still, all of this, at the same time, can help me in my own way, if that makes sense. And when I do all of this stuff I am sitting alone somewhere, by myself, at my computer.
I am shy. I am quiet. It is my nature.