Head Above Water

I'm certain I am probably not alone when I say that there are times I feel like I am drowning; times when I feel weighed down by life's challenges. Fact is, life can be very heavy and hard with out of control expenses, the hardships of employment, the never ending home improvements that end up on that oh-so-long list of things to do. Death and sickness seem to be forever plaguing this world and me and my family have battled our fair share.
I have survived and overcome a childhood illness, and when I say overcome I don't necessarily mean "done away with" as I do risen above, learned to live with, improved upon and in some cases, shadowed from misunderstanding eyes.

Being tired or fatigued, dealing with mild cases of depression and sometimes straining to concentrate/understand are some the hardest foes I battle, but most often I mask these things so well that it becomes hard for others to see the problems I face...... though that could be my fault.
But regardless of the challenges in front of me I move forward, at times with heavy steps, and stay, to the best of my ability, positive. Only thing is, I think and feel, I am constantly in reverse. The saying "what comes around goes around" I feel does not apply to me. Someone out there may have to remind me, but I am hard pressed to think of any good fortune that has befallen onto my shoulders. My hard work and positive attitude to do the right thing has not paid off; and I don't understand or know how to fix that.
Am I thinking too much? Or not doing enough? Should I stop trying so hard? Should I stop caring? Those last two questions are rhetorical; because I'll never give up. My heart and my soul outweigh my damaged brain, and even though the struggle can be bloody frustrating, I cannot stop being who I am.

I love too much, which seems strange to me because as much as I enjoy moments with others, I cherish, and often prefer, time to myself.
I think about a lot but lose out through lack of motivation.
But to contradict that, I do a lot and keep busy with other things and often question myself as to why.
I am my own enemy yet my best supporter.
Even though I believe good fortune has side stepped me, I have found a silver lining to life.

Whether it is because of my being an introvert, my shy and quiet personality, or my disability, my life can be (or feel) hard, draining and scary. But I see the beauty that shines around me and it makes me smile; and it is why I am able to at least keep my head above water.

Confession

I sit here on a rainy day, listening to the water pellets hit my window, and I pose a question to myself that is no stranger as it has come to my mind before. The question, "How did I get here?"

Yes, technically I arrived through birth that my mother gave to me born out of a love shared between her and my dad. But mine is more of the philosophical question that probably a few of us have encountered.

I feel a bit bottled up in an over-sized home that I try desperately to care for because I know there is no place else I'd rather be. I battle through life with support that I do not always take advantage of because while I'm not too proud to ask for help, I'm afraid of failing.
I have come to realize that even though I have suffered tragedy and deal with challenges and barriers that my life presents, I have stared it down and battled back and I am quite capable of many things. But I am still afraid, afraid to fail and let others down. I need to fix whatever is wrong with my life but I do not know how to do it because for some reason my own needs are overshadowed by my own desire to make others happy and to help out wherever I can.

I often don't know how to say what I'm thinking and I defer to thinking and saying something different or nothing at all. Make sense? It doesn't always make sense to me......... and so I write. I write my stories and I write my blog and the words that come from somewhere inside of my head move down to the tips of my fingers and helps me understand the things I feel, or what I want, or what I am capable of.

While a small part of me secretly hopes people enjoy my shared dialogues through these blog posts and that someone, somewhere will make a discovery of how talented I am and offer me a career to keep doing what I'm doing, the bigger part of me, the rational yet sometimes confused side, writes to inspire myself. When I write about love and hope and all of that other great stuff in life it is to help my own soul not only see it but believe it.

There are many things I have seen or listened to that have shown me the beauty in life and then I use my own words to help me understand them. I need to understand continually because I still try to grapple my way through challenges and barriers I selfishly don't know if anyone else understands. I need to understand because I am still afraid and I still ask the question about how I got here. And so I write...... anything and everything.

Good or bad, I got here of my own doing, step after unsteady step after cautious step. No excuses, no pity.
I know that my life is great and I should want no more, but I do and don't at the same time and I feel like my great life is inches from me actually being able to hold on to it.

The only thing I know for certain is that my questions and my reaching will not end because my love for it all will never fade away and because of my fear of failing in this beautiful life. I use my writing to keep the hold; and I hold on as tight as I can.

Finding Liberty

Have you ever been searching for something that you didn't really know you where looking for?  An intangible object you did not quite understand? You know, that feeling that something is missing or a little out of whack but not being able to put a finger on it?

It is an uneasy feeling. A feeling, possibly, of insecurity, of being over whelmed, the loss of something....... love, beauty, happiness. It feels like hitting rock bottom.

Perhaps.

Hitting rock bottom.... how do we know when we've hit it? I have often felt that things were bad in my life and couldn't get worse, and I was wrong. I hear stories of what others have gone through, the hardships, the sadness, and I feel ashamed for thinking my life as being conflicted with tragedy in comparison.
A friend shared a story with me about tragedy and I saw a rock bottom I have never come close to.
So, does everyone have their own rock bottom? Are there multiple layers of rock bottom?

A lot of us have felt bad, experienced some form of depression, suffered from some type of physical and/or emotional pain. But I think that we may have also experienced the complete opposite, because we've made, even if only momentarily, a choice. I know that I have. And I say momentarily because in a world full of hardships, we need to make the choice often, to see beyond the fog, to pull ourselves out of the muck.

One of the hardest things to find when it feels like life has swallowed you whole is strength; strength to do the right thing, strength to carry on. But I believe we all have it. Just like we may all have our own rock bottoms, we do all have our own strengths.

Love, beauty and happiness is there. It is our choice if we want to get it.

I have found and needed to remind myself, that I am or was, looking in the wrong place.

It happened to me not too long ago when I found myself inside of a miserable day, being plagued with uneasy thoughts, in a place surrounded by strangers. And I took a moment to close my eyes and breathe in, trying to relax, and when I lifted my lids, there she was, Liberty.

I was washed over with a bit of awe and amazement. It is a beautiful thing to come to realize the life that surrounds us is in fact ours. With regards to the economy and all of that other stuff that is out there, it is hard, for certain, but it is still our life. Our choices, our ability to think and act for ourselves. We don't have to be or feel confined or restricted. We don't have to give in to compulsion or coercion.

I saw my Liberty.... and regardless of the ups and downs and disappointments that life can, and probably will, still throw my way...... I know that I have the strength to hold on. And if I can do it....... maybe you can find yours as well. Maybe you already have.

Love, beauty and happiness..... and Liberty, they are all there.

My Selling Curveball

To make it clear to some who may not know, I like to write. I've had two books published with a third on the way; all part of a series. If you don't know about my books and would like to find out more, you can go to my website here: www.markkoning.com/chronicles. I am proud of my accomplishments and I thoroughly enjoyed writing them, although the process of getting the story bound and packaged and all that, presented some headaches; but that was somewhat expected.
I am happy with the fact that I got to tell the story I wanted and I've received some good feedback, including both compliments and some constructive criticism. The books have not gone flying from the shelves and I have definitely not been able to start a future retirement fund for myself, but these things have not brought me down nor have they tarnished my passion to write. To publish, maybe, (It isn't free after all) but not to write and continue to develop stories.

Going the route of self publishing has been a little bit of a challenge and I suppose I haven't helped myself by being the quiet person I am. Marketing and/or self promotion is not my thing, at all. I can, at times, talk almost endlessly about the storyline, my characters, the thought process behind the book(s) and the way in which things developed, (of course this is all usually dependent on whether you ask me about it) but when it comes to making the sale, to actually saying "buy my book"........ it is not really me. I'm even having a bit of a hard time writing this. And whether this hardship that I'm challenged with is because of a difficulty I face with certain aspects of communication or because I'm simply shy/afraid of rejection, doesn't really matter much, it is the way it is.

Email and other forms of social media has helped, I can take the time with want I want to say, but I still don't push the 'sell'. I'm not your typical out going leader or salesman who can talk a good game and get everyone involved.

I have found though that when it comes to pitching something else, something to help out a cause, I tend to be just a little more 'on the ball' so to speak. I'm not going to say I'm a whole lot better at this, but I do try to put in a bit more effort. And since we are at the point of the discussion where we are, I will shamelessly plug the Heart & Stroke Big Bike Event that I will be participating in. An annual event to raise funding for critical care and research that helps sustain life all across Canada. Please visit my page and lend me your support: Mark Koning's Big Bike page!

Selling is a hard thing; some are born with a gift for it, some are not. Some people tend to push a little too much, some do not push enough. I tend to float around the later, or sometimes even less then that. But that's okay with me. Putting an effort toward advocating for a cause such as the Big Bike for Heart & Stroke simply registers with me more than trying to sell my book...... it's my curveball.

Bliss of a Shoelace

When I think about the first year I attended school after my illness my brain comes up with fond memories that bring a smile to my face. I remember that I was pretty much the most popular kid in my class. Teachers were pretty awesome with acts of compassion, helping me with any troubles that I might encounter; and students followed with similar gestures.
A boy named Roger and a cute little girl named Jennifer stand out amongst the many. He challenged me, but in the good way, to do my best; to pat me on the back and work with me to understand. She became my shadow and constantly reassured me with a smile. I can picture him getting me to sit up front, back straight, head held high. I recall her tying my shoelaces for me, constantly asking if I was alright and what else she could do for me.

Oh how simple life was.

Moving along throughout my school years things did tend to become more difficult and hard to understand. I lost my Roger's and Jennifer's as I became just another face in the crowd, my disability hidden to those on the outside, but in many ways, also from me. I would shyly sit in the back (on occasion slouched down) as I was sometimes afraid of being noticed, and no one was tying my shoelaces anymore. Regardless though, I enjoyed life and I carry some great memories of people I met and things I did or encountered.

I now know and understand my disability and what I went through a lot more; though I am sure there is more that I could learn. But do I want to? What difference does it make? When people say "Mark, everyone gets depressed" I now feel more of a sting from being compared to everyone else when I know not everyone else lives with a brain injury and endures the ramifications from it; but before, when I didn't know, I just rolled with it. Should I be happy now that I know why it is I have certain fears or challenges? And has my knowledge just made things worse? Because now I wonder if I am blaming my disability, my brain injury, on too many things.

So the question becomes, is ignorance (innocense) really bliss?

I recall a character by the name of Cypher from the movie The Matrix. A scene where he is sitting in the matrix, wearing nice clothing, sipping at wine, eating a steak, knowing that these things are not real. A harp is played in the background as he is about to betray the "good guys" to the Agent out to get and destroy them. "Ignorance is bliss" Cypher drools out with a smirk on his face.

Then I remember that Cypher never made it out of the movie.

It is a movie and it is a bit of a far fetched example, but it does kind of ring true. Ignorance may be bliss in the beginning, but it is knowledge that brings to us true beauty and peace. The struggle in life may still be there, (it most likely always will be to a certain degree) and the bumps may have increased and become rockier the more I've learned, but I have acquired a lot that I consider well worth it.

Things like self awareness and the ability to help others with what I know. People I've met from my journey of education and growth. The capability to contribute to society in ways I could not dream before. The fact that even though they may not personally be in my life, by my side, I can see that the world is full of Roger's and Jennifer's; and that is alright with me. And If I was truly blaming my brain injury on things, I would not be doing those things; saying that I wasn't capable and giving up.

I can tie my own shoelace now and be happy with the knowledge I carry.

This Is The Moment

As I sit here in the household room I have dedicated to be called my home office I pause and listen to the quiet noise around me. No one is home except for me and my dog who sleeps in the room I now refer to as "the Library". His peace for the moment being close to the treasured books that I have often gotten lost in. Getting lost.....mentally anyway...... something that is not too terribly hard for me to do. It is not difficult for me to lose focus and have my brain drift off track, and so I work hard from day to day to keep it and myself on course. But today I am alone so I allow my thoughts to wander.

I hear the furnace rumble out its heat from the ducts in the walls and I smile to myself at the chirping from the few birds that are outside. If I sit close enough to the window I can feel the sun warm my skin on this late Winter day the calendar calls Spring.

I have allowed frustrations to run wildly through my body over silly things, things I don't have and things I cannot control. But in the quietness of the moment I come to see that I don't really need more than I got and shouldn't worry about control because it will either all work out or it won't and I'll do what I have always done..... survive and keep trying.

This is the moment when I close my eyes and realize that I am a superstar and that I am in love as much as I am loved and if you have to ask if that means something romantic, I cannot help you with an answer.
This is the moment I remind myself that happiness and success are measured and valued wrong, because they come from within ones soul and are NOT checked off from a sunshine list. And I wonder if I have reached my capabilities, my peak, or if more is coming. Because whether it is or not, I am always going to be reaching for more.... more knowledge, more acceptance, more skill, more love, more peace.

This is the moment I stumble upon the revelation that even in my darkest hours I am surrounded by more beauty than I often acknowledge....... I think that applies to most of us. And I know that when I offer my heart to the ones closest to me and those strangers far away it is to a different degree but also very much the same; and it is sad only because some don't realize just how pure and genuine what I offer is. And this is the moment I feel in my heart that I still love this sometimes angry and depressed world and I will never stop.

I remember that when I was six I faced some very difficult challenges and barriers that I still see shadows of today and I know that with time they will get better but some can also get worse. This is the moment when I can let my inner calmness fill my entire body and head so that I can breathe because there are certain factors that will make me forget but also allow me to recall on occasion.

This is the moment to laugh and to cry, to believe, to learn; learn to share, accommodate and accept. This is the moment to realize that it is alright, alright to slow down and catch a breath, to fall behind a little, to be afraid, to be different; there is nothing wrong with being different. Frustration will come again along with its buddies confusion and depression and it is okay. The struggle sometimes felt within is just that, a struggle; neither bad nor good and only we can let it go. Let it go.
It is a time to know that forgetting and than reminding oneself of these moments, these feelings, is part of life; it is part of discovery, vivid and glorious!

This is why we need to cherish our moments, however small and short lived or big and stretched out; because they are all beautiful and they are all worth it.

Painted Walls

There are often times I forget (something I think we all share to a certain degree) to take stock of the things I do have in my life that I should be grateful for. Like many others out there, seeing the bad outweigh the good tends to be, unfortunately, way too easy.

But in my mind, my damaged brain that is overcome with things like frustration, fatigue, confusion and depression, things are often veiled in darkness. It is why my outer me struggles and works extra hard at living in the light, to wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak.

I think that for the most part I accomplish this well as most people who know me only see that optimistic, kind hearted, light-minded person.

I don’t want people to see the darkness because it is not me, or it is not who I want to be. I don’t think people would understand, because I don’t understand.

So every-so-often I need to find a way to remind myself that it is not all that bad. That I have all I really need to be happy. That I should stop putting too much thought into my employment struggles, any financial woes, the relationship challenge; the lack of that special someone and the hardship of finding her...... or if I want that at all. The list can go on and it can become all jumbled.

The last few months, amongst my daily life of work, chores around the house, etc…. I have been busy moving around furniture and painting rooms. My sister, her husband, and their daughter, (my awesome niece!) are preparing to move in. The house is more than spacious enough and I warmly look forward to them getting here; not that we don’t already visit a lot.

But I saw it, with each room I set out upon, with each stroke of the brush, (or paint roller more often than not) the beauty in which I should be focused on. The paint was (even if only briefly; unfortunately) masking the darkness that tends to consume a large part of my life.

Soon my niece’s beautiful smile will be an ever present fixture in my home. My sister and her husband will be there to lend relief and a helping hand. But more importantly than that, I need to remind myself, they are part of my life whether under a common roof or not. I also have my writing; an ability to put thought to paper that is always there to help me “work it out”. I have a few good cherished friends that offer inspiration to me that I need to acknowledge in my own head. I have a four legged friend who sees only the best in me.

And I do have other moments that bring brightness to my day; maybe not BIG moments, but they are there. Peacefully getting lost in the pages of a good book; having someone at work praise me for a job well done; going for a walk; reading an online blog from friends I haven't met but can relate to. There are more to mention, but they’d be too many. The problem is that they seem to quickly drown and become consumed by the veil of darkness.

I don’t have a lot, but I don’t think I want a lot. I don’t know if my little brain could handle a lot. But what I do have I need to remember counts for more than enough. And like the fresh coat of paint being rolled onto the wall, I can roll away the ugliness to reveal those moments, those awesome things that I do have. I just need to apply a fresh coat every-so-often (symbolically) for me to be able to see.