Sunday, June 2, 2013

Head Above Water

I'm certain I am probably not alone when I say that there are times I feel like I am drowning; times when I feel weighed down by life's challenges. Fact is, life can be very heavy and hard with out of control expenses, the hardships of employment, the never ending home improvements that end up on that oh-so-long list of things to do. Death and sickness seem to be forever plaguing this world and me and my family have battled our fair share.
I have survived and overcome a childhood illness, and when I say overcome I don't necessarily mean "done away with" as I do risen above, learned to live with, improved upon and in some cases, shadowed from misunderstanding eyes.

Being tired or fatigued, dealing with mild cases of depression and sometimes straining to concentrate/understand are some the hardest foes I battle, but most often I mask these things so well that it becomes hard for others to see the problems I face...... though that could be my fault.
But regardless of the challenges in front of me I move forward, at times with heavy steps, and stay, to the best of my ability, positive. Only thing is, I think and feel, I am constantly in reverse. The saying "what comes around goes around" I feel does not apply to me. Someone out there may have to remind me, but I am hard pressed to think of any good fortune that has befallen onto my shoulders. My hard work and positive attitude to do the right thing has not paid off; and I don't understand or know how to fix that.
Am I thinking too much? Or not doing enough? Should I stop trying so hard? Should I stop caring? Those last two questions are rhetorical; because I'll never give up. My heart and my soul outweigh my damaged brain, and even though the struggle can be bloody frustrating, I cannot stop being who I am.

I love too much, which seems strange to me because as much as I enjoy moments with others, I cherish, and often prefer, time to myself.
I think about a lot but lose out through lack of motivation.
But to contradict that, I do a lot and keep busy with other things and often question myself as to why.
I am my own enemy yet my best supporter.
Even though I believe good fortune has side stepped me, I have found a silver lining to life.

Whether it is because of my being an introvert, my shy and quiet personality, or my disability, my life can be (or feel) hard, draining and scary. But I see the beauty that shines around me and it makes me smile; and it is why I am able to at least keep my head above water.

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