Finding Liberty

Have you ever been searching for something that you didn't really know you where looking for?  An intangible object you did not quite understand? You know, that feeling that something is missing or a little out of whack but not being able to put a finger on it?

It is an uneasy feeling. A feeling, possibly, of insecurity, of being over whelmed, the loss of something....... love, beauty, happiness. It feels like hitting rock bottom.

Perhaps.

Hitting rock bottom.... how do we know when we've hit it? I have often felt that things were bad in my life and couldn't get worse, and I was wrong. I hear stories of what others have gone through, the hardships, the sadness, and I feel ashamed for thinking my life as being conflicted with tragedy in comparison.
A friend shared a story with me about tragedy and I saw a rock bottom I have never come close to.
So, does everyone have their own rock bottom? Are there multiple layers of rock bottom?

A lot of us have felt bad, experienced some form of depression, suffered from some type of physical and/or emotional pain. But I think that we may have also experienced the complete opposite, because we've made, even if only momentarily, a choice. I know that I have. And I say momentarily because in a world full of hardships, we need to make the choice often, to see beyond the fog, to pull ourselves out of the muck.

One of the hardest things to find when it feels like life has swallowed you whole is strength; strength to do the right thing, strength to carry on. But I believe we all have it. Just like we may all have our own rock bottoms, we do all have our own strengths.

Love, beauty and happiness is there. It is our choice if we want to get it.

I have found and needed to remind myself, that I am or was, looking in the wrong place.

It happened to me not too long ago when I found myself inside of a miserable day, being plagued with uneasy thoughts, in a place surrounded by strangers. And I took a moment to close my eyes and breathe in, trying to relax, and when I lifted my lids, there she was, Liberty.

I was washed over with a bit of awe and amazement. It is a beautiful thing to come to realize the life that surrounds us is in fact ours. With regards to the economy and all of that other stuff that is out there, it is hard, for certain, but it is still our life. Our choices, our ability to think and act for ourselves. We don't have to be or feel confined or restricted. We don't have to give in to compulsion or coercion.

I saw my Liberty.... and regardless of the ups and downs and disappointments that life can, and probably will, still throw my way...... I know that I have the strength to hold on. And if I can do it....... maybe you can find yours as well. Maybe you already have.

Love, beauty and happiness..... and Liberty, they are all there.

My Selling Curveball

To make it clear to some who may not know, I like to write. I've had two books published with a third on the way; all part of a series. If you don't know about my books and would like to find out more, you can go to my website here: www.markkoning.com/chronicles. I am proud of my accomplishments and I thoroughly enjoyed writing them, although the process of getting the story bound and packaged and all that, presented some headaches; but that was somewhat expected.
I am happy with the fact that I got to tell the story I wanted and I've received some good feedback, including both compliments and some constructive criticism. The books have not gone flying from the shelves and I have definitely not been able to start a future retirement fund for myself, but these things have not brought me down nor have they tarnished my passion to write. To publish, maybe, (It isn't free after all) but not to write and continue to develop stories.

Going the route of self publishing has been a little bit of a challenge and I suppose I haven't helped myself by being the quiet person I am. Marketing and/or self promotion is not my thing, at all. I can, at times, talk almost endlessly about the storyline, my characters, the thought process behind the book(s) and the way in which things developed, (of course this is all usually dependent on whether you ask me about it) but when it comes to making the sale, to actually saying "buy my book"........ it is not really me. I'm even having a bit of a hard time writing this. And whether this hardship that I'm challenged with is because of a difficulty I face with certain aspects of communication or because I'm simply shy/afraid of rejection, doesn't really matter much, it is the way it is.

Email and other forms of social media has helped, I can take the time with want I want to say, but I still don't push the 'sell'. I'm not your typical out going leader or salesman who can talk a good game and get everyone involved.

I have found though that when it comes to pitching something else, something to help out a cause, I tend to be just a little more 'on the ball' so to speak. I'm not going to say I'm a whole lot better at this, but I do try to put in a bit more effort. And since we are at the point of the discussion where we are, I will shamelessly plug the Heart & Stroke Big Bike Event that I will be participating in. An annual event to raise funding for critical care and research that helps sustain life all across Canada. Please visit my page and lend me your support: Mark Koning's Big Bike page!

Selling is a hard thing; some are born with a gift for it, some are not. Some people tend to push a little too much, some do not push enough. I tend to float around the later, or sometimes even less then that. But that's okay with me. Putting an effort toward advocating for a cause such as the Big Bike for Heart & Stroke simply registers with me more than trying to sell my book...... it's my curveball.

Bliss of a Shoelace

When I think about the first year I attended school after my illness my brain comes up with fond memories that bring a smile to my face. I remember that I was pretty much the most popular kid in my class. Teachers were pretty awesome with acts of compassion, helping me with any troubles that I might encounter; and students followed with similar gestures.
A boy named Roger and a cute little girl named Jennifer stand out amongst the many. He challenged me, but in the good way, to do my best; to pat me on the back and work with me to understand. She became my shadow and constantly reassured me with a smile. I can picture him getting me to sit up front, back straight, head held high. I recall her tying my shoelaces for me, constantly asking if I was alright and what else she could do for me.

Oh how simple life was.

Moving along throughout my school years things did tend to become more difficult and hard to understand. I lost my Roger's and Jennifer's as I became just another face in the crowd, my disability hidden to those on the outside, but in many ways, also from me. I would shyly sit in the back (on occasion slouched down) as I was sometimes afraid of being noticed, and no one was tying my shoelaces anymore. Regardless though, I enjoyed life and I carry some great memories of people I met and things I did or encountered.

I now know and understand my disability and what I went through a lot more; though I am sure there is more that I could learn. But do I want to? What difference does it make? When people say "Mark, everyone gets depressed" I now feel more of a sting from being compared to everyone else when I know not everyone else lives with a brain injury and endures the ramifications from it; but before, when I didn't know, I just rolled with it. Should I be happy now that I know why it is I have certain fears or challenges? And has my knowledge just made things worse? Because now I wonder if I am blaming my disability, my brain injury, on too many things.

So the question becomes, is ignorance (innocense) really bliss?

I recall a character by the name of Cypher from the movie The Matrix. A scene where he is sitting in the matrix, wearing nice clothing, sipping at wine, eating a steak, knowing that these things are not real. A harp is played in the background as he is about to betray the "good guys" to the Agent out to get and destroy them. "Ignorance is bliss" Cypher drools out with a smirk on his face.

Then I remember that Cypher never made it out of the movie.

It is a movie and it is a bit of a far fetched example, but it does kind of ring true. Ignorance may be bliss in the beginning, but it is knowledge that brings to us true beauty and peace. The struggle in life may still be there, (it most likely always will be to a certain degree) and the bumps may have increased and become rockier the more I've learned, but I have acquired a lot that I consider well worth it.

Things like self awareness and the ability to help others with what I know. People I've met from my journey of education and growth. The capability to contribute to society in ways I could not dream before. The fact that even though they may not personally be in my life, by my side, I can see that the world is full of Roger's and Jennifer's; and that is alright with me. And If I was truly blaming my brain injury on things, I would not be doing those things; saying that I wasn't capable and giving up.

I can tie my own shoelace now and be happy with the knowledge I carry.

This Is The Moment

As I sit here in the household room I have dedicated to be called my home office I pause and listen to the quiet noise around me. No one is home except for me and my dog who sleeps in the room I now refer to as "the Library". His peace for the moment being close to the treasured books that I have often gotten lost in. Getting lost.....mentally anyway...... something that is not too terribly hard for me to do. It is not difficult for me to lose focus and have my brain drift off track, and so I work hard from day to day to keep it and myself on course. But today I am alone so I allow my thoughts to wander.

I hear the furnace rumble out its heat from the ducts in the walls and I smile to myself at the chirping from the few birds that are outside. If I sit close enough to the window I can feel the sun warm my skin on this late Winter day the calendar calls Spring.

I have allowed frustrations to run wildly through my body over silly things, things I don't have and things I cannot control. But in the quietness of the moment I come to see that I don't really need more than I got and shouldn't worry about control because it will either all work out or it won't and I'll do what I have always done..... survive and keep trying.

This is the moment when I close my eyes and realize that I am a superstar and that I am in love as much as I am loved and if you have to ask if that means something romantic, I cannot help you with an answer.
This is the moment I remind myself that happiness and success are measured and valued wrong, because they come from within ones soul and are NOT checked off from a sunshine list. And I wonder if I have reached my capabilities, my peak, or if more is coming. Because whether it is or not, I am always going to be reaching for more.... more knowledge, more acceptance, more skill, more love, more peace.

This is the moment I stumble upon the revelation that even in my darkest hours I am surrounded by more beauty than I often acknowledge....... I think that applies to most of us. And I know that when I offer my heart to the ones closest to me and those strangers far away it is to a different degree but also very much the same; and it is sad only because some don't realize just how pure and genuine what I offer is. And this is the moment I feel in my heart that I still love this sometimes angry and depressed world and I will never stop.

I remember that when I was six I faced some very difficult challenges and barriers that I still see shadows of today and I know that with time they will get better but some can also get worse. This is the moment when I can let my inner calmness fill my entire body and head so that I can breathe because there are certain factors that will make me forget but also allow me to recall on occasion.

This is the moment to laugh and to cry, to believe, to learn; learn to share, accommodate and accept. This is the moment to realize that it is alright, alright to slow down and catch a breath, to fall behind a little, to be afraid, to be different; there is nothing wrong with being different. Frustration will come again along with its buddies confusion and depression and it is okay. The struggle sometimes felt within is just that, a struggle; neither bad nor good and only we can let it go. Let it go.
It is a time to know that forgetting and than reminding oneself of these moments, these feelings, is part of life; it is part of discovery, vivid and glorious!

This is why we need to cherish our moments, however small and short lived or big and stretched out; because they are all beautiful and they are all worth it.

Painted Walls

There are often times I forget (something I think we all share to a certain degree) to take stock of the things I do have in my life that I should be grateful for. Like many others out there, seeing the bad outweigh the good tends to be, unfortunately, way too easy.

But in my mind, my damaged brain that is overcome with things like frustration, fatigue, confusion and depression, things are often veiled in darkness. It is why my outer me struggles and works extra hard at living in the light, to wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak.

I think that for the most part I accomplish this well as most people who know me only see that optimistic, kind hearted, light-minded person.

I don’t want people to see the darkness because it is not me, or it is not who I want to be. I don’t think people would understand, because I don’t understand.

So every-so-often I need to find a way to remind myself that it is not all that bad. That I have all I really need to be happy. That I should stop putting too much thought into my employment struggles, any financial woes, the relationship challenge; the lack of that special someone and the hardship of finding her...... or if I want that at all. The list can go on and it can become all jumbled.

The last few months, amongst my daily life of work, chores around the house, etc…. I have been busy moving around furniture and painting rooms. My sister, her husband, and their daughter, (my awesome niece!) are preparing to move in. The house is more than spacious enough and I warmly look forward to them getting here; not that we don’t already visit a lot.

But I saw it, with each room I set out upon, with each stroke of the brush, (or paint roller more often than not) the beauty in which I should be focused on. The paint was (even if only briefly; unfortunately) masking the darkness that tends to consume a large part of my life.

Soon my niece’s beautiful smile will be an ever present fixture in my home. My sister and her husband will be there to lend relief and a helping hand. But more importantly than that, I need to remind myself, they are part of my life whether under a common roof or not. I also have my writing; an ability to put thought to paper that is always there to help me “work it out”. I have a few good cherished friends that offer inspiration to me that I need to acknowledge in my own head. I have a four legged friend who sees only the best in me.

And I do have other moments that bring brightness to my day; maybe not BIG moments, but they are there. Peacefully getting lost in the pages of a good book; having someone at work praise me for a job well done; going for a walk; reading an online blog from friends I haven't met but can relate to. There are more to mention, but they’d be too many. The problem is that they seem to quickly drown and become consumed by the veil of darkness.

I don’t have a lot, but I don’t think I want a lot. I don’t know if my little brain could handle a lot. But what I do have I need to remember counts for more than enough. And like the fresh coat of paint being rolled onto the wall, I can roll away the ugliness to reveal those moments, those awesome things that I do have. I just need to apply a fresh coat every-so-often (symbolically) for me to be able to see.

Tik Tok

I often feel like I am in a battle with time and I don't know if I am winning.

I suppose like most other people, we tend to feel that time is slipping away just a bit too quickly. And it is something we cannot control..... minutes, hours, days, years. Their lasting abilities are always set. Time management is not an easy thing to figure out in a world that is full of so much . Workloads on the job seem to be ever increasing, traffic seems to be getting busier and becoming more delayed, (even though people seem to want to drive like madmen) and technology..... which can translate into Social Media, seems to be forever expanding and growing. Facebook, Twitter, the list goes on.

For someone who has a difficulty with time, with keeping up, it becomes frustrating and confusing when I find the ones that I have difficulty keeping up with, having difficulty keeping up. At a normal pace I can find myself two or three steps behind....never mind this.

Everyday I have to re-organize my time because pretty much every day for me is different. I know that days differ for everyone, but I am not necessarily talking about wrenches being thrown into the mix, I'm referring to my own personal speed of being able to get through a twenty-four hour period. My ability to get dressed and ready for work, for example, varies. I think I follow the same steps as every morning, but time spans aren't alike. Tasks at work, eating lunch or dinner, writing a blog, reading ten pages of a book. These things and others, seemingly similar in pattern, tend to take more or less time every other time I do them.

My brain injury resulted in much damage, but I'm pretty sure that it created for me my own clock, whether I want it or not.

Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate the things time has time given; both past and present. I've accomplished things, I've had good (even amazing) friends come and go, I greatly value my family. But it hasn't been easy. I have had to prioritize and that has only come through learning. I am still learning that there are things I cannot do because of time. Articles I cannot read, things I cannot write. I do continue to try, but I'm realizing there are times I just cannot do a certain task because other things are too important and I need the time to do them.

It can be very frustrating! But I guess I am learning that I don't really need to worry that much about losing the battle with time; or maybe I should re-phrase that to say that I shouldn't really worry or care much for the battle, period. I don't need to cram it all in. I need to remind myself of that. Maybe we all do.

Simple Things Made Hard

I work for a non-profit organization that assists service providers with the integration of job seekers with disabilities into the workplace. We are a resource of disability employment related issues. We share information and make connections. We work at promoting awareness and education toward the Abilities of one of our largest minorities; people with disabilities.

Two words that I find mentioned quite often in this line of work are Equal Opportunity and Inclusion.

Equal opportunity is a stipulation that all people should be treated similarly, unhampered by artificial barriers or prejudices or preferences, except when particular “distinctions can be explicitly justified.”

Inclusion is a practice in which different groups or individuals having different backgrounds like origin, age, race and ethnicity, religion, gender, disability, sexual orientation and identity and any other, are culturally and socially accepted and welcomed; engaging each individual and making people feel valued.

Together it could be simply put, ‘Fairness for All’

When you get right down to it, neither of these things come with a cost. For someone to offer Equal Opportunities or Inclusion it is all a state of mind; a willingness to do the right thing. And almost everyone will freely agree they offer those things. But do they? Do Equal Opportunity and Inclusion really exist?

Of course they do. Being someone who has a learning disability that stems from a brain injury, who openly talks about it, and has friends and a good job, someone who is given opportunity, I can say that those things definitely exist. But being someone who has been through a lot, has seen a lot, and continues to see a lot, I can also verify to you that those two simple things are not so easy to find.

I am not really sure why this seems to the case, but it is. Is it because of a fear of the unknown? Is it because most will easily settle for believing a misconception or myth as opposed to digging a little for the truth? Or are the majority of people using these words really that uncaring? Saying they believe in something when they really don’t.

I tend to think it is that people just don’t really understand and that there is no real Acceptance. Another one of those simple things made much more difficult than it need be.

Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit.

That negative or uncomfortable situation is usually because there is little to no effort put forth to try and understand.

What it comes down to is this, our biggest challenges, dilemmas, frustrations and problems are not really the problems. The problem is our attitudes toward these things; these situations. Attitudinal barriers cause us, as humans, the biggest headaches and most difficult challenges, and sadly, they are the simplest to remedy.