Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Seesaw

Halfway in between the public school that I attended as a kid and the town home that I lived in with my family, was a park with a pretty cool little playground. Swings, monkey bars, a slide, a small fort to climb with a ladder, (my memory isn't that great, so I might be missing something) and a couple of seesaws. I never really liked being on the seesaw, I just usually sat on one of the benches and watched the other kids use them. I felt at times like I was missing out on being "normal". I did try it out, but it was too dizzying for me. Because of the illness that I went through, life itself was too dizzying for me; I didn't need anything to add to it. I had no problems with everything else, I felt a little more in control with those things. But the seesaw was different.

As I grew older and became more aware of myself and the crazy world that surrounded me I began to understand that a little bit of the seesaw was in everything. Sometimes I'm able to control the dizziness, sometimes not. What makes it more bearable than when I was that kid sitting in the playground, is that I don't fear it much anymore. I don't try to run away from the things I don't understand; which actually only ended up making things worse.

One of the things I find having the seesaw effect on me, driving me crazy at times because part of me thinks I may have become addicted, is this entire Social Media thing. I mean, two hundred and five friends on Facebook, one thousand sixty three followers on Twitter, one hundred and twenty eight connections on LinkedIn. It's not that I want any of this to change, and the more the merry really. I like the idea of all those people out there that I can communicate to and share with if I wish, and on my schedule, from the confines of my own room/office. But it can be overwhelming to a guy who has difficulties and easily gets confused with too much going on.

I start to feel a little guilty when I don't post things for days at a time, and I worry over whether or not I will lose anyone from my cyber time life, the way I have in my real time life, because of my inactivity. I know that by nature I am an introvert, but because of something I went through and really had no control over, I find myself having an inability to keep up with this fast paced world, and it is so much faster online. So I sometimes wonder if it is too much for me? Is this thing just like the seesaw and out of my control? Then I start to think, is it silly to be even worrying over something like this?

The reality of it is, I will always have questions like this plaguing my mind. Worry and guilt and questioning whether something is too much for me is part of my world, it's in my brain and it won't stop. But if I sit back and take some breaths I remember that there is a flow to life and you can't (and maybe shouldn't) control, or try to control, everything. Just go with it and make your choices. Trying to fight this current is pointless, at least for me. Instead I try to understand it, or maybe just let some things float by, knowing that they are not for me.

I don't need to ride and understand all the seesaws, because that can definitely be too much. I just need to keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with sitting on the bench and watching, and participating only when I feel I can.

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