Hear Not but Listen Up

Maybe this is just me and it might be because I am an emotional person, though I don't really know if the word "emotional" is correct as I feel like it might lead you to believe that I am crying all of the time. But I do not know another word to use that best describes feelings and thoughts. And it is when trying to relay those feelings and thoughts that I encounter problems.

Whether you want to say that I am a shy individual because that is my personality or that I remain quiet and do not communicate as much or in the same manner as others because my disability or brain injury makes things more challenging for me, makes no difference. I consider my personality and disability to be one in the same (pretty much)..... they are part of the make-up of who I am.

I have difficulties with words (coming from a writer that sounds strange; but I am referring to the verbal kind), expression and over-thinking. I don't necessarily want to be heard, but there are times I would like people to listen.

Webters dictionary gives these definitions:
Hear = perceive with the ear; listen to; try/get to know. Perceive sound; learn.
Listen = try to hear; give attention in order to hear.

I know that those definitions seem similar. "Hear" and "Listen" are the same you might say. But I don't think they are, and perhaps some of you may agree with me that they are not.

Wikipedia gives these definitions:  
Hear is to detect sound.
Listen is how the brain processes what you hear.

These definitions I think make it a little more clear and because (in my opinion) detection is often more simple than process, most people tend to hear someone and that is it. In my case, I believe people hear me (when I do speak) but rarely listen. I do understand that this could be partly my fault for sometimes over stating things to a point where it becomes confusing, but I usually end up doing this only because I feel that no one is really listening. And like I said above, I may be over-thinking things a little as well.

To me, to listen is to understand or at least try to, it's sympathizing and perhaps even giving specific advise..... not always, but sometimes. To listen is not necessarily about "fixing" someones problem(s). Listening is not "waiting to speak". Listening is not "comparing".
I am fully aware that everyone gets tired or has headaches. I know that people are living on the streets and have it worse than me. When these are the responses I get from what I say, I know people really aren't taking the time to listen.

I follow a few other blogs and one in particular that I read the other day titled "I Want to Attempt Suicide and Not Die" by Natasha Tracy at Bipolar Burble, sank in and made complete sense to me. I made my own interpretations and I realize that her post was written for different reasons other than what I am saying here..... but perhaps not. And if anyone, after reading this, asks me if I want to, or think about, attempting suicide, then they will be helping to drive home my point, that people would rather hear..... or in this case, read.

Some people just want someone to listen to them. People should have the right to speak about their feelings and not be judged or analyzed. In the society we live, "Not being heard" isn't the problem, it's that people tend to feel like "No one is Listening".

I think many people do want to share and listen and understand, but in a fast paced environment and a world that seems to run on ideas like "the faster the better" and being about "Me Me Me", listening can be a challenge. In fact, I sometimes think people just don't know how or perhaps are even afraid to listen because they may sense a need to do something more. I do though have to acknowledge that there are people out there who simply don't want to listen.

But we all do need to try a little more often because otherwise those individuals (like myself) with a need for someone to occasionally listen, REALLY LISTEN, will stop the attempt at dialogue and suffer in silence. And honestly, to do it all you need is a little patience, an open mind and ear. We do all have ears, but unfortunately patience and an open mind are are hard to come by.

Feeling Blah!

As wonderful as the Christmas season can be, it presents challenges that can be quite difficult for a few. It is a time of year for family and joy that not all of us have....... but then again, perhaps if we could really sit back and enjoy the value and sense of "family and joy", the holidays may prove a little less stressful. I mean, maybe things would be much easier and we'd all sense a little more happiness if we took the words of Dr. Seuss, "Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store." and really went with it.

But it is not just the onslaught of Christmas songs on the radio, the chaos in the malls, the pressure of present giving, family visits, the parties, the food, the decorations. It is the cold and harsh weather. The cloud cover and lack of sun. The tension of driving, or trying to move anywhere, through snow, wind and sleet. The shoveling. Trying to stay warm. Trying to do things for yourself when you can't help worrying or thinking about others. It is tiring and it is lonely and it can give one a feeling of being lost.

I had the most wonderful three days over Christmas with my family, but is over; and right now, as I write this, I am tired. I look out the window and I get lost; not in thought, in nothingness. I feel alone but not alone.... if that makes sense. As much as I want to be by myself right now I want to be with my loved ones again. I see the flying snow outside and I absolutely dread having to go out and shovel, but part of me knows I'll enjoy doing it and getting the cold fresh air. There are times when I even think that the falling snow is one of the most beautiful things this world offers. That is how my injured brain works......(not that everyone with a brain injury feels these things) and the awkward thoughts and feelings are there all year through, but seem to intensify during the wintery months.

And I write in this blog because it helps me understand me. Writing has become a bit of a coping mechanism to get through. It allows me to be expressive in ways I don't know how to be in any other form. I write in this blog so maybe people might get a chance to understand. I write to maybe help others who feel similar things but feel like they have no means of expressing it.

I think one of the hardest things about feeling these kind of...... blahs, this depression, is expressing it. I don't mean just finding the words, but actually saying or writing it. The feedback from others can a little overwhelming or not needed..

"I thought you were happy? Where you lying?" That's what they might say. And how do you answer that? That day I was happy. Most days I am happy. But sometimes I'm not, and it is not that I'm sad, I'm just..... blah. And the change can be a frequent occurrence.

Blah can mean a few different things, but according to the online Urban dictionary Blah is:

a word commonly used to describe an emotional state in which the person feels a sense of having no hope; usually during a deep depression. 

Those who feel depression and mood swings I'm sure feel them all on different levels. These periods can stretch themselves out over time or can be over within mere hours. And we all have different coping mechanisms. The challenge within us is a struggle, but the challenge that can come from others, the misunderstanding and all that, can be just as hard.... because it brings on guilt. I'm sorry if you cannot understand that I can be happy and function normally and feel Blah at the same time; but I can. Just because I feel lonely on certain days does not mean I think I am alone in life or that meeting new people will solve my problem. Just because I say I feel lost and out of control does not mean I have gone insane.

Let it be. Try to understand that happiness and depression can sometimes come from the same place and it can be okay.  Because the brightest things can come from the darkest places. Life's beauty isn't completely lost in those moments of blurriness.

I absolutely love my family. I cherish my friends. I enjoy my work. Through all of these things I try to be a good person and live an uplifting life and share that with others. But I still get hit with depression, I still get tired, I still get the Blahs. But I am still me, and it is all okay.

A Belief

I don't like the fact that time seems to pass as quickly as it does. I mean, I feel like we are missing something. I think I know what it is, but I have a hard time explaining it; though I will try.

The joy of this current wonderful Christmas season should spread itself throughout the year; unfortunately, it does not. And sometimes, for many it may seem, the joy of this season is minimal at best. But celebrating during this festive season is important, not only because of the biblical significance, but because it is a time where we get ready to say goodbye to an old year and welcome in a new one.
It is a time to reflect on accomplishments, family and friends. I think maybe even on hard times and tragedies. Because it is a time to clear the air within ourselves, to set new goals and renew our faith for better times. It is a time for hope.
There is always a time for hope.

Perhaps you may think I am being a bit naive when I say that I truly believe in a universal love. But I do still dream of a day when we will all get along and settle peacefully into this world. A time when we will ALL simply realize that certain things are just wrong and unnecessary, and we will unite our hands.

I know full well that cruelty and evil exist. I see it and I feel it. I certainly don't understand it; and I do not think any explanation will ever change that. I cannot grasp these inhumane acts of terror when life can offer us enough hardship as is where we have no control. It breaks my heart to know of all the sadness and death in the world; that there are people who simply seem chose to live life by way of cheating, lying, stealing and hurting people.

But, there are others. Individuals who lend a helping hand, who promote fairness and share goodwill. I've witnessed strangers exchange kindness and I've seen true beauty. It is here where my faith lies. It may be hard sometimes, granted. But to me, it is a combination of all these things, all the gentle souls and kind little differences, that make the difference.
My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to all those who are touched by tragic events; to anyone suffering loss or going through hardships. But I will always, strain if needed, see the glass half full so to speak. To me, there is no other way.

I believe in humanity.
I believe in kindness and love, grace and virtue.
I believe in strength and courage and perseverance.
That is what I think we might be missing. That the light really does outshine the darkness.
I believe it.
Because I believe in you!

Encouraging Enlightenment

The other day I attended a training workshop regarding an OBIA (Ontario Brain Injury Association) mentorship program, a program that is about veteran or knowledgeable brain injury survivors and/or caregivers who offer themselves as friends, guides, advisors or sound boards (or all) to those who have suffered similar injury and are perhaps feeling lost. Mentorship I think, presents a value in any regard, but when referring to brain injury, maybe even more so. I say this because brain injury is an invisible disability; you can’t see it, and therefore I think a lot of people don’t think it is real. But the pain and the suffering and the uphill battles are real.

This mentorship program not only shows people that they are not alone in the battle, but helps bring about self awareness; one of the most important things when battling any disability. So the program is great! To understand even more you can go here: Peer Support

The training program was delivered by an OBIA Support Services Specialist very well; it was clear cut and to the point about what a mentor is all about and what is expected of him or her. And the two Coordinators there were brilliant! I love seeing someone in charge that seems to be motivated and passionate about what they do. But the highlight of it all was seven people, (besides me) who presented an encouraging enlightenment and an unwavering sentiment to help.

I was surrounded by these beautiful and knowledgeable people. Survivors and fighters and individuals whom simply wanted do right by others. These seven awesome people that were there in attendance with me wanted to take their experiences and pay it forward.

The world can be scary, and I often find myself, seemingly, sinking in a quagmire of a self-absorbed society. Don’t get me wrong, there are many programs out there that are similar to this one, (offering hope and a form of social assistance) along with quite a few individuals who advocate and lend a hand. But very often it is hard to see through the smoke. I am aware, though, of these places and faces of good intentions and have been blessed to see them in person. This was not the first time that I had been in the company of kind hearts and I certainly hope not the last. But it gets to me every time, that there are people who strive for the benefit of others.

Perhaps because the subject of brain injury is a personal one for me, but on the way home from that workshop I found myself somewhat amazed and a little overwhelmed. While I’m certain to see or be talking with my Coordinator in the future, I don’t know if I’ll ever see my fellow mentor trainees again or not. Regardless, I have to say, well done. Not everyone steps up and puts themselves out there to offer help to others….. to strangers.

I think this says a lot to the fact that no one ever really, truly, has to be alone. Someone is always willing to listen, to lend support, to offer guidance, to open their arms. Because sometimes even the smallest light can chase away overwhelming darkness

The Reason

I find it difficult to get up in the mornings. It is hard work to roll out of bed, regardless of how much sleep I got or the fact that the alarm is going off; I find the task very draining. (I need an alarm to help get my eyes open or I might stay horizontal all day) I do get up though, and once I splash some water on my face and have my morning tea, I'm good to go. But still, that one moment....... Sometimes it is more difficult than others...... but it can be the hardest part of my day.
It is said that someone who has survived a brain injury lives with almost constant fatigue. It makes sense, because I'm not Not wanting to get out of bed because I'm still sleepy per se, and there isn't anything specific I'm dreading...... it just is what it is.

Wikipedia says:

Fatigue (also called exhaustion, tiredness, lethargy, languidness, languor, lassitude, and listlessness) is a state of awareness describing a range of afflictions, usually associated with physical and/or mental weakness.

Sleepy means feeling a need for sleep. Sleep is a naturally recurring state characterized by reduced or absent consciousness, relatively suspended sensory activity, and inactivity of nearly all voluntary muscles.

I do get up and I do get on with my day, but the reason isn't because I have to. Well, actually I do have to, but it is not for work or because of any household responsibilities, because I need to walk the dog or run an errand for my mom. The reason is ME. And I know, when the reason isn't for someone or something else it kinda' loses a bit of that honour, that romance. When something is about ME, it sort of becomes selfish....... right? So perhaps I am selfish in the things that I do.

Aside from paying bills, and perhaps a bit more if you want to get nitty-gritty and analyze this to death, I do not feel obligated to work, do household chores, or even sit in traffic. It just is what it is.

None of this means I live a la-d-da life. Things aren't all roses. I get annoyed and frustrated! I struggle with my fair share of things. I get tired and I get sick, I feel loneliness and depression. But the reason to go on and leave these things behind, it is mine. The love and passion, the drive, the laughter. I live for the beauty and inspiration that I see and find everyday; and I consider doing it all and being part of it, a privilege; not an obligation. The reason is ME.

I suppose the ME can become a bit too selfish when people lose track of the beauty and place too much focus on all that darkness and negativity flowing around. It is not always that hard to get lost. I've felt lost before; but the reason I was found was because of me. I had support, and I still do, and I don't deny that. Other things, people, give me drive and offer me inspiration. But I see it and take it because of me.

No one helps me do battle with this fatigue thing that comes back to fight me every morning. No one is helping me get out of bed. I do it because of me. If I do it for any other reason I'm not giving anything or anyone else the true me, including myself.

A Touching String

Earlier in the year Fox came out with a new series called "Touch", more-or-less about the links/connections between people. How the littlest of things we do that can effect others. Sort of a six degrees of separation thing. The episodes were great, though I am unsure how long the writers can keep that same "greatness".... only time will tell.
This has made me think about some of the things going on in my life and wondering what they mean, and the thought of maybe something "touching" happening, wherever, being related to something I may have done, makes that clichéd saying "everything happens for a reason" sit with me a little better.
I don't really need to know of any touching stories that may result from something I have done, but the idea is a nice one, and that idea alone is sometimes what keeps me going. But I do have a story that relates to this touching ripple effect.

Fall 2011 I put together a short story titled "Sweet Child" that I contributed to a Creative Review anthology, a book called Christmas Lites. You can view and purchase a copy here. Christmas Lites was put together to share stories of Christmas in an ebook format for troops overseas along with all sales going toward the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence; a very worthy organization.
Creative Reviews is a group of authors and book readers/reviewers that is part of Good Reads. I became involved with this group though a friend I met on Twitter. I caught a tweet about this anthology one day and said that I'd like to get involved. I began following this person initially because she reviews books and I thought "I have a book", but the anthology became a priority instead.
Twitter was a form of Social Media I thought I would never get involved with, but obviously that changed; and it was a former co-worker that pointed me in that direction. The current organization I work for, One Voice Network, saw this individual doing a good majority of the work on her own before I started, including running the Twitter account. Since that time the organization has grown and I run the Twitter account now. When it was handed to me, this person, who has become a good, also suggested that I start my own personal account. As she was someone who lived, and lives, by social media, she showed me the ropes and how to connect with people of similar interests.

I obtained my job at One Voice Network in August of 2010; the first portion of that year I was unemployed after the hotel that I had worked at for seven years had closed down. I'm sure a lot of you can imagine or relate to the fact that being unemployed is a hard stint in life. With some work and the assistance of an Employment Service Provider I ended up getting an interview with the organization I'm at now.... I'm guessing you can all tell that the interview went well.
Being a quiet guy, someone who doesn't always manage to say the right things, and a person who is not considered to be spontaneous with the spoken word, it was in fact surprising that the interview went well. Not because I cannot handle interviews, but because (this is the funny/strange part) I was walking into a room in regards to an entirely different job. I can't tell you exactly what I was thinking before I walked in but I did not think I was going for a full time contracted position for an Administrative Coordinator. And I sure as hell did not know what or who One Voice Network was.

I got a great job, (which I love and want to continue doing) but it is a job I got through a mistake. miscommunication, a resume sent to the wrong place? I don't know, I don't much care. This mistake lead to gainful employment, which lead me to a good friend, which lead me to a great connection, which lead me to a worthy cause. And aside from a profit going toward that cause, who knows what, or who, those stories, or perhaps my story, may have influenced.
There are other things I've done because of this ?????  that I'm proud of, but I think this one is a pretty good illustration of "A Touching String".

Whether the string goes on would be somewhat interesting to learn about, but it doesn't really matter. Part of it went somewhere good. It makes me think that I'm where I belong........ but than again, I suppose if one is confident enough in themselves and happy, you are always where you belong.
I don't think too much about these "connections" or degrees of separation, but the thought of "A Touching String" or ripple effect like this (a blurry misstep leading to something of benefit) is an endearing one...... and we could all use more of those.

Blurred Lines

The other day I was reading a story about some kid who got bullied right before he was to give an interview on being the victim of bullying.
At first I thought "what the hell?" During and after reading the story I felt a mix of emotions run through me; of course this was not the first, nor sadly will it most likely be the last, I read or hear of this kind of news. As I mulled things over I became more perplexed and concerned at the way this unfolded, the after effects, and the sad state in which things like this at large seem to be going.

Before I go on, you can read the story and see a video of that which I am referring to. Kid Gets Bullied Prior to TV Interview

So initially I was saddened to hear of yet another story pertaining to bullying. I was also dumbfounded yet again as to how stupid some kids are; doing this in front of a camera. (I'm sure we remember the not-so-bright teens who recorded verbally abusing a school bus monitor and then posting it to You Tube) It is also crazy, I thought, the real lack of caring or concern over the fact that an adult witness was right there.
Questions arose like, how are these kids being raised? and why are the school officials there saying that they will start investing this matter when the victim has been bullied before? or why is the school official smiling and saying casually how this happens at every school?

I know that kids can get out of hand because they are simply being kids, but this attitude of "kids will be kids" is getting out of hand as well I think. I then started wondering if bullying was not just a juvenile label for criminal assault; whether physical or verbal? I mean this reporter was a witness. Why is she not speaking with the Police? Oh that's right, it is a news story. Letting this thing play out in the school system makes for much better coverage. (sorry for being somewhat snarky.... but seriously)

Bullying I think will become worse as time goes on because others will see that there are no real consequences..... I mean, this kid, this victim, got suspended for defending himself. And unless some idiot decides to post his or her actions on You Tube, or a camera woman happens to be around, the problem can remain silent, hidden, disguised.

And this problem of these kinds of incidents being kept in the dark or ignored  or casually dismissed as "kids will be kids" only presents a bigger issue.

As someone with what is referred to as "an invisible disability" I can tell you from personal experience, and from listening to or reading about others, (people with acquired brain injury, bipolar, mental health issues, etc....) that there are quiet a few people who would rather these dark and "invisible" problems or secrets be kept under the carpet. Most often this is because these things are not understood and I think some people would rather them remain unseen or unheard when not understood.

These bullies may in fact have their own issues that need to be dealt with or helped along. Perhaps they have some form of illness or disability. Perhaps there are problems at home that make it hard for them to deal with everyday life. But than again, they could just be uncaring and evil. The point though is that these, or any, "investigations" into bad or odd behavior need to be taken more seriously and handled more efficiently. I am sure that they are sometimes, just not enough.

The days of black and white hats, or good and evil, are gone. The lines have become blurry. There are too many people in positions of power that are fine with the blurriness and that are leading others to not worry about, or focus on, correcting them. And the reason this bothers me so much, is because I have come into contact with and met individuals who are  EXTRA caring! Organizations, a lot of them, that exist with GREAT services! There are people who REALLY do want to make a difference! Yet so many of these dark stories still seem to surface.

Surfacing is great, but they need to properly be looked at and dealt with; not allowed to crawl back into the shadows. There is no reason for anyone, or anything, to be kept in the shadows.