Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Reason

I find it difficult to get up in the mornings. It is hard work to roll out of bed, regardless of how much sleep I got or the fact that the alarm is going off; I find the task very draining. (I need an alarm to help get my eyes open or I might stay horizontal all day) I do get up though, and once I splash some water on my face and have my morning tea, I'm good to go. But still, that one moment....... Sometimes it is more difficult than others...... but it can be the hardest part of my day.
It is said that someone who has survived a brain injury lives with almost constant fatigue. It makes sense, because I'm not Not wanting to get out of bed because I'm still sleepy per se, and there isn't anything specific I'm dreading...... it just is what it is.

Wikipedia says:

Fatigue (also called exhaustion, tiredness, lethargy, languidness, languor, lassitude, and listlessness) is a state of awareness describing a range of afflictions, usually associated with physical and/or mental weakness.

Sleepy means feeling a need for sleep. Sleep is a naturally recurring state characterized by reduced or absent consciousness, relatively suspended sensory activity, and inactivity of nearly all voluntary muscles.

I do get up and I do get on with my day, but the reason isn't because I have to. Well, actually I do have to, but it is not for work or because of any household responsibilities, because I need to walk the dog or run an errand for my mom. The reason is ME. And I know, when the reason isn't for someone or something else it kinda' loses a bit of that honour, that romance. When something is about ME, it sort of becomes selfish....... right? So perhaps I am selfish in the things that I do.

Aside from paying bills, and perhaps a bit more if you want to get nitty-gritty and analyze this to death, I do not feel obligated to work, do household chores, or even sit in traffic. It just is what it is.

None of this means I live a la-d-da life. Things aren't all roses. I get annoyed and frustrated! I struggle with my fair share of things. I get tired and I get sick, I feel loneliness and depression. But the reason to go on and leave these things behind, it is mine. The love and passion, the drive, the laughter. I live for the beauty and inspiration that I see and find everyday; and I consider doing it all and being part of it, a privilege; not an obligation. The reason is ME.

I suppose the ME can become a bit too selfish when people lose track of the beauty and place too much focus on all that darkness and negativity flowing around. It is not always that hard to get lost. I've felt lost before; but the reason I was found was because of me. I had support, and I still do, and I don't deny that. Other things, people, give me drive and offer me inspiration. But I see it and take it because of me.

No one helps me do battle with this fatigue thing that comes back to fight me every morning. No one is helping me get out of bed. I do it because of me. If I do it for any other reason I'm not giving anything or anyone else the true me, including myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment