Sunday, May 15, 2011

Look How Far I've Come

A couple of days ago I turned a year older. I took time to reflect, not necessarily on my life and what I've been through but my accomplishments and all the good and wonderful things around me. I have been trying to take time to do this a little more often than I have in the past because I've been finding it very easy to get caught up in all the things that are either negative or really unimportant, or holding no real meaning, to our lives... or my life in this case. It is easy to look at the things that we don't have or the everyday stresses we endure or the things we try and maybe fall a little short at. I've found myself looking down and concentrating all my energy on that black hole and ignoring the wonders of my life...... "ignoring" may not really be the right word...... I don't ignore people or happy, fun moments; not now or in the past. But I think you might know what I mean, because I think we've all either done it or continue to do it. It's hard to ignore that slightly darker side of things; I still find times when I get caught up in it.
I once had a job that consisted of quite a few staff members, and no matter how many praises or complaints were given and received after someone did a good job at something, it only took one small negative comment or a certain tone in some rather harsh feedback and the cart was over turned.
Life has its fair share of bad things going on all time, but they are outnumbered by a billion and one good things you and I should not take for granted. People fall in love, babies are born, friendships are made, people graduate, birds sing, flowers grow........ we accomplish more things than realized.  

Something I once read and liked by Amy Oskar, a friend who wrote, "Good out numbers evil by the billions; love outshines hate every time; and even the dimmest light can chase darkness from a room."

So when I reflect I think about the wonderful people in my life and precious memories shared. I think about my home and the work that I put into it and how well it provides shelter and accommodates friends and family. I think about my education and the struggles I have been through. I think about the everyday barriers I face and how I work hard to overcome a lot of them and then deal well with the rest. I actually look at my resume and all I have achieved and feel a sense of pride. Through the years my Oma and Mom have taken so many pictures of things it is unbelievable the photo albums that rest in this house. Turning the pages makes me smile and I feel warm inside to know that this family continues with the picture taking tradition. Not just to capture and keep memories but to document growth and achievements.
I have leaned to communicate effectively (I hope)........ more so though with written words as opposed to verbal dialogue...... though I think I'm getting better at that too. I understand the difference between right and wrong and I've come to terms with the fact that sometimes good and bad things can strangely go hand in hand. Acceptance of anything and everything that happens in life is at times very difficult... but unless you have a time machine, once it is done it is done...... It is how you handle it and move forward that is the only part to worry about. I accept and adapt to things rather well I think, because I know that even though sometimes it may suck, change is pretty much unavoidable.
My life has been great, chalk full of goodness! I chose to believe that will continue and I will grow. The best is yet to come but the best has also already happened.

(Something I wrote quite a while ago that I think reflects how far I've come and who I am)

At a young age I was hospitalized with a viral brain infection. I was inches from losing my life.
I had lost those years and had to re-start everything. EVERYTHING!!
Early on in life I lost my dad. I miss his guidance.
Because of these two events I went through my teenage years confused and feeling awkward.
When I was 29 my mom fell and hit her head, resulting in a brain injury that will most likely plague her for the rest of her life.
In between I’ve dealt with other family issues, inconsideration, lawyers, doctors, lawsuits, deceit, financial woos and uphill battles.
I’ve had problems with distant relatives.
I’ve had friends turn their backs and walk away.
I’ve experienced sorrow, tears, and loneliness.
I’ve been sick and to the doctors for many things.
Because of the brain infection that once was, I easily get confused. I have trouble keeping up.
I get tired, I get headaches.
I’ve been lied to.
I’ve been made fun of.
I sometimes feel inferior.
Relationships have not worked out for me.
I may lose more than I will ever win.
I sometimes hurt and I sometimes cry.
I know what it feels like to have your heart broken.
There is a lighter side; a side which I try to focus on.
Sometimes I may hate my life. Sometimes I may love my life. I usually try to find somewhere in between to rest, it’s what gives me the most satisfaction, the most happiness.
As much as I may have been wronged by others, I do not hate anyone.
I always see the good, or at least I try to.
I have a lot of love to give.
I accept that I will never find true perfection, only what I accept to be perfect.
I understand that there is no ‘meant to be’.
I’ve learnt to be good and true with my word.
I try not to assume.
I realize people will come and go.
I have some of the best people in my life with awesome qualities that I don’t think they even realize.
I am proud of my sister and of my mom and of all that they accomplish.
I am proud of where I live, my community, my country.
I’m not rich, but I’m not poor… so many ways more than financial.
I do have certain expectations……but far less than most.
I know that change is inevitable and as much as it can sometimes hurt I’ve learnt to roll with it.
The sun will always come up and there will always be a new day.
Regardless of all the crap I’ve been through in my life’s journey ……..
I still smile.
When I take my dog for a walk I plug in my MP3 and sing to the music.
I still laugh.
When I make dinner I can be caught doing a little dance in the kitchen.
I treasure other people’s happiness more than my own.
A lot of the time I am alone but not necessarily lonely.
I am independent.
I am creative.
I am sensible.
I am a laid back individual.
I understand compromise.
I have good character.
I am patient.
I am strong.
I am a dreamer.
I am so much more than this.
I am……. Me.

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