Changes Gone By

 

I can’t believe it has been a year since I sat down at this keyboard and typed out a blog post. It has gone by so quick, yet it has been filled with so much.

The measure of time; the measure of change; the measure of life.

Good and bad, worry and laughter…. It has all been there. Memories!

My big ol’ house, has become a full house. My single life has changed into a relationship. I have come to terms with new things brought on by a pandemic, and I move forward. I do it while I breathe in silence and contentment, even though I often feel out paced by the clock.

Such a fast year that has gone by, such a change. But I am certain the changes are good, the differences are welcome. I just need to shake off any fears, catch my breath, keep my pace, and grow. The rough patches and the easy breezy days, they are all moments that become lessons, that become life, that become memories, all of which help mold me into being me.

At times I feel the isolation, but I know that I am not alone. I am not always certain of the right things to say or do, but my heart is fiercely passionate and I hold dear those few that are closest. I may stumble but my acceptance is true.

So I will continue to move forward despite any struggles that may come; I will continue seeing the glass half full; I will continue to be.

• Strong 
• Patient 
• Quiet 
• Imperfect 
• Cautious

So much more.

And I roll with the changes as they come and go by. 

Time and change, and just being me.

 

I know it is there.

 It is hard to explain, but I feel it; I can see it.

As I look out my front hall window to the snowy setting stretching onto forever it seems, I get lost in thought. What is going on in this world? Really. What?

The lockdown to the grey zone to the stay at home order and then back to the grey zone red zone.

The violence, the riots.

All the chaos and madness over this past year; even before then really.

Am I sad? Am I angry? Am I disappointed? Maybe a plate full of everything plus a side of confusion.

But when I close my eyes and stand still inside a few moments of silence, I know it is there.

It is hard to explain. I reach for it, I feel it; I can see it.

It is there when I go to the grocery store and I am welcomed at the entrance with a smiling face; yes, even with the mask I can see the smile; I can hear it in the voice.

I went to pick up a takeout order from a local restaurant the other day and when I spoke with the waitress there about all the support in other takeout orders and big tips being given, it was there.

During my work staff virtual meetings, looking over all of those Brady Bunch boxes and chatting with my co-workers; it is there too.

The signs cheering on frontline workers, the acts of kindness, the mini Pride parade I saw in my home town last summer to the Christmas drive-bys and displays.

I see it in my niece’s eyes when she is sitting on the couch, sometimes telling me a story of her future plans to buy a horse farm, or studying the latest Tik-Tok.

When my nephew laughs during our snowball fights or in the summer months when bat hits ball and he runs the invisible bases, (in his game they are in a zig-zag pattern) there it is.

It is hard to explain, because it is many different things, many different colours. It is bright like a shooting star. It resembles the shape of a Valentine’s Day heart, rainbow and a cascading waterfall all at the same time. It sounds like that cascading waterfall, but also speaks to me in many different ways and languages, yet I can never really remember what it says.

It is glowing.

It is beautiful.

It is forgiveness and acceptance.

Fuel for the power of love; not the love of power.

Regardless of all this sadness and disappointment, this anger and confusion, I can see it.

Even though, God forbid, there seems to be no ending to the darkness at times. That hope is only a dream. But it only seems that way. I know it is not true, not in the least.

I think it is in us all.

I reach for it.

I can feel it.

I can see it.

But sometimes I have to wonder, does anyone else?

Eyes Forward

I have always known that I am pretty blessed to be living in a wonderful home and doing a job I really enjoy, but over the somewhat horrible year of 2020 I have realized this even more so. I say “somewhat” because I am someone who is forever trying to grasp onto a silver lining to pull me through the dark times; and there were some wonderful moments of generosity and spirit of kindness. I mean is washing your hands, staying away from others when sick and giving more thought to safety, really all that bad?

My job for me has allowed the flexibility to work from home 3 of the 5 days a week. I am doing things I never really gave myself time to do before, like going out to take walks, taking a few moments to exercise, not rushing through gobbling down food and instead trying to get to something healthy. I am also able to pay a little more attention to helping out my mom and her needs.

Like I stated above, I have learned to appreciate my home and where I live, and all with a smile on my face and a little less frustration in my veins. I still am able to hold onto some luck in hard times.

I realize everyone is in a different place than me, in many ways it is not fair. We all operate and go through life in the way that works best given our surroundings. Not everyone is afforded what I have and we all live with different experiences. But I do hope that we can ALL see the real importance of life after and during these still crazy times, taking care and being a bit more mindful. I hope we can ALL be given opportunities.

Eyes are being open in new ways and with a new light to some much needed changes, I know mine are. As someone who silently battles with a damaged brain, I am not sure where to look next, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

There is so much talk around the “new normal” and “vaccines” and the scariness of COVID. So much chaos and confusion (all of which hold merit). But I think there is also more than just these things.

I have felt my share of roller coaster emotions from sadness to anger and all of those in-betweens.

Hopefully as we look forward in 2021 we can focus a little more on what is being given to us. The road ahead is long, it will often be challenging, but the possibilities can be great.

Let us see the opportunity to slow down, to gain, to truly work together as a community, to open our hearts and eyes. An opportunity to be open and vulnerable to the changes of life. To let go of the notion about achieving perfection, I am imperfect and I have made my mistakes, we need to embrace and acknowledge our mistakes; there is no need to turn a blind eye and run away from them, because life is about a continuing cycle of growth and learning.

There is so much more to moving forward than just a vaccine. We need a way to find that 'more', and together we can show that we deserve it.

Let’s all be well and let’s continue to work at ALL of us keeping safe.

 

 

Believe

 

It can be difficult at times, but to know what is real, you just need to believe.

As we find ourselves in the holiday season a question that pops up every so often, a point I guess that comes in almost everyone’s life (adult or child), is asking whether our Jolly old friend, Saint Nick, is real or not. Why do we do this? Is it physical proof that we need? Or is questioning happiness so important? Maybe we just need to find some sort of reassurance that something good is out there.

The story of Santa Claus coming around at Christmas dates back hundreds of years. It is the story of magic and wonder, the story of one man in one small village somewhere in Europe, (and I say somewhere because he eventually went everywhere) who made a decision to spread love and laughter though the joy of gifts.

The magic of this one man has engulfed the world still today. He appears with the blink of an eye and twitch of the nose. We decorate our homes, people sing songs and we honor him with parades. Presents are exchanged and end up under trees, faces are lit up and laughter is shared. How is that not real?

I don’t question Santa’s authenticity now, but did I ever? Perhaps. I cannot recall exactly. Maybe it is because I don’t want to recall any moment of doubt.

Several years ago I fell victim to a viral brain infection and in many ways I have been struggling with it my entire life. Most doctors did not think I would come out of my coma, but I did. Teachers did not think I was capable of getting back into school, but I was. After failing my first attempts at a few classes (both in High School and Collage) I was told that I’d never graduate, but it happened. I have gotten myself, brain injury and all, to a place in life that a lot would not expect. There was never any proof that I’d get through these things, I just did them. I believed, and that is real.

From all that I have learned over the years through my experiences, my work and volunteerism in non-profit, the stories that have been shared. Life and people have grown, overcome and accomplished through believing. And that is real.

The donations, the food drives, the toy drives, the clothing drives. The Christmas light shows that raise money to give away to charities. It is the inspiration and the magic of one man; Santa. Hundreds of years ago and still today. And sometimes that inspiration and magic even spreads into the rest of the year; not just at Christmas time.

I have always believed in love and joy and smiles on faces with warm hearts. I have always believed in kindness and peoples good nature.

Throw any darkness my way. I will never stop believing.  And this year we have all seen our fair share of darkness in the form of a virus that no one saw coming. THIS, is a most important time to hold on and continue believing! Believe in the magic and the joy.

So you ask me if Santa is real, I believe it to be true. And I am certain I am not the only one. After all, it is why milk and cookies are left out every Christmas Eve.