Perspectives

It is difficult to remember what my perspective on life was in my earliest years other than happiness and amazement at everything new (like most young children I suppose), but I can tell you that since my hospital stay in 1978 at the age of six and then into my teenage years, and all throughout high school, it was Survival. Survive the confusion; Survive the chaos; Survive the frustration; Survive the classroom lectures and tests. Aside from this though, I must admit that my life was also full of many great times with some pretty awesome friends, plenty of memories to carry with me that make me smile. But still, Survival was how I saw everything.

"How can I get through this and do well?"

That question, for me, applied to school classes, friendships, home life. I loved life and everything about it, but I didn't understand.

There were few times that this perspective changed to fear; fear of losing; missing out; being alone and misunderstood. This perspective was shared by want; wanting to fit in; wanting for people to think I was cool even though I knew that what I said (when I said something) and what I did, was not.

In college, my early twenties, is when my perspective changed once again, and it brought back confusion. Survival confusion, like before? Yes. But more off balancing. The questions in my mind were

"Was I crazy or was this world crazy?"

"Learning Disability, what?"

And a few years later, "Brain Injury, what?"

Coming to an understanding after so many years of what I was living with first brought about a perspective of anger (Toward the doctors? toward my family?) Anger was placed on everything in my life. But soon that anger was replaced by a serenity; and I realized that this was perspective I maybe should of had all along.

"Did my misplaced perspectives keep me from seeing and feeling?"

Perhaps it was all of those different feelings and outlooks that got me to this place. Confusion, frustration, anger.... the challenge of surviving, was and continues to be all still there; but it is not all consuming. The light is beaming through the trees. The fog has lifted. Because of knowledge gained, because of self awareness, because of compassion, I can live in peace and see the beauty.

The draining heartache that society can be still often throws a shadow over things, but I have found ways in which to keep myself from falling. As difficult as things may be, as much as life can suck from time to time, I have realized I am Survivor in so ways; and that the prevailing darkness that occasionally skews my perspective, can itself be overshadowed.... by me.

We can all change our perspectives to keep the darkness away..... this is what I think; this is what I hope.

Just a Boy

Having stood there on that very hot and humid day I closed my eyes and felt the wind blow against the back of my tall and skinny frame. This breeze surrounded me and for a moment there was nothing else that has ever felt so good; so pleasant.

Throughout my life I have occasionally experienced feelings of bliss, love, ease and/or comfort. Happiness is brought about during these moments; a beautiful sensation of being able to just breath and let go of all the heartache, pain, stress and exhaustion that this life can bring.

In my mind I recall sitting on the hill in the community in which I grew up and feeling a similar breeze; it is a memory I carry. Though the sensation of the breeze is only a pleasant thought I’ve added; but the memory gives me the feeling just the same. It is the feeling of not just the breeze, but to be able, or allowed, to let go, to be... just a boy.

Not the six year old boy who sustained a brain injury that he was sentenced to carry for life, not the boy who developed a learning disability, nor the struggles or the setbacks that littered his path. No, none of those things; just a boy; a boy of happiness and innocence and joy.

I don’t care for hot and humid days. I don’t need to return to that hill. But I would like to take that breeze and bottle it, turn it into a blanket that I can wear whenever and wherever I want and feel the need for. I know that this feeling is not what life is, and that is fine. I have learned to live with and overcome a lot. My survival is not dependent on this feeling, but I do wish it were more accessible. It is not, and I don’t know why. Is life to blame? Is society to blame? Am I to blame? Am I missing something?

Bring on the heartache, pain, confusion, exhaustion. Bring on life’s challenges and struggles. I’ve been dealing with these things since the age of six. I have learned how to fight against them. Family and friends have helped me with this; they have helped me to understand and grow.

All I want is for the walls to come down, even if for just a moment, and for the lucidity to blow on through. I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting that breezy feeling; that blanket. Just like I do not think that there is anything wrong with wanting to occassionally return to a time or feeling when I was just a boy.

I think I deserve that feeling.

I think we all deserve our own breezes and blankets.

Challenging Barriers & Walking the Path is a book about struggles, growth, family, friends, tears, smiles, and… just a boy.

Visit http://markkoning.com/ChallengingBarriers.html to purchase your copy.

 

 

The Contentment of Loneliness

I know that the title sounds a bit off, but I think we can still be content in our lives even when feeling the occasional pangs of loneliness. No? Maybe it's just me.
I have a handful of friends and I am in no current intimate relationship. People have come and gone from my life and I have loved and lost, and all of these moments, I value. These moments may also continue to come and go, or maybe not. Perhaps this is it. Perhaps I have all that I need; and sometimes I think, all that I can handle.

Maintaining the house that I live in, going to my job, taking my dog for walks, writing, enjoying my family, sharing a drink with one of my few close friends, watching a good television program or movie; I am content with these things. Sometimes, dare I say with a smirk on my face, even happy. Do I get lonely? Sure. But I'm willing to bet not much more, if at all, than those who surround themselves with many more relations in comparison to me.

Life is not perfect and my life has been anything but. However, we could also say the opposite of that. I myself am not sure. I'd like to say that my life is perfect because it seems like the right way to look at things.... but I don't know. What I do know is that I am content, and often closer to happiness than sadness. I cherish the people in my life and my moments. I fondly look back on my past, (most times anyway) and I greatly, and anxiously, look forward to the future ahead.

Can You See Me?

I suppose that if you are standing right in front of someone, than yes, I guess technically you can see that person. But when you are looking, do you really see me? Are you listening to me? Are you really taking the time to try and understand me?
I'll admit that I am not the most revealing individual. I will admit too that sometimes my words may be a little confusing. I'm not a very talkative person all of the time.
I tend to often blame myself for not being understood for those very reasons.

But than again I think, wait, no, that is not necessarily right or true.

I do reveal snippets of information and I do choose to use my words wisely to say what I mean and what is important. I may be quiet but I do offer advise, support, maybe even a little imagination. So maybe, just maybe, if I am not understood it is not my fault. It is not my fault if you choose not to stop, slow down, and take the time to listen to my words. It is not my fault if you are too scared to believe in the challenges that I face.
I am not seeking pity, I am looking for an understanding and acknowledgement. Once that understanding is reached, then maybe you and I can find some kind of peace; maybe then we can stop and take a breath and see the value. Realizing that there is no competing; that no one challenge is bigger than another; that we are all on a level playing field and trying our best to get through this thing called life.

If you do not want to see or cannot accept my little snippets, I am not going to fight to reveal more; there is too much fighting and wasted effort on the small things. It is not my responsibility to make you understand.

But you should know this, I do try and I have accomplished things. My opinions do matter and my words are valued. My presence and my actions are appreciated. My experiences are meaningful, helpful and inspirational even. My love and compassion hold next to no bounds.
So it is a shame. It is a shame that the voiceless are overlooked, that the quiet or soft spoken are often misunderstood, and that assumptions are made. It is a shame if you do not stop and really look, because even if you may refuse to see me, I will always be here, trying, to see you.

Giving Hope

I'm sure we have all played the game where you state the super power you would like to have most, and it can be challenging to say the least because their are some great powers to have. I often find myself stumped at this as my mind races through the X-Men movies or the Hero's television show.

 

******

The other night I had a dream that I had come to possess a power, and it was quite different from those discussed in conversation. My power was simply to make people happy.

Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being defined by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy

It is not as easy as it may sound, making people happy. You can't really "make" someone feel... but I suppose that is where the super power comes into play. While handing out large sums of cash (that I don't have) would be pretty awesome, I think happiness truly comes from something else, some other place.

Life is simple; life is beautiful. The best of times are right here for us to grab onto. Unfortunately, even the best of us can tend to have difficulty with this. I myself can get lost in the clouds and begin seeing too much darkness. Maybe society as a whole is to blame for this. Perhaps we as individuals are just as much at fault, if not more. Who knows? I suppose this is why we all need a little help to make our way through; another hand to help guide us. But, there are times I can see clearly. Times that I wish I had that power; the power to give happiness and offer hope.

I want people to see what I see in those moments. When beautiful sunsets are happening all of the time, even at noon hour, if you look real heard. When serene is a blanket that covers our shoulders and shelters us from any and all chaos. When kaleidoscopes gently brush at the outer edges of our eyes and help us focus on the precious gifts that do in fact fill our lives.

If I had that power to bestow onto others, perhaps we wouldn't be having those conversations. Talking about having a super power to make our lives somehow better. We could just... be.

Sounds of Silence

As a quiet, yet understanding individual, I can see the multi layers of being silent. It can be golden, tranquil, peaceful, serene; but also dark, mischievous and misapprehended. I have been chastised for being silent yet also applauded for holding my tongue and choosing my words wisely. Because of a disability I find verbal communication often difficult in group settings, or at times even one on one. It can, on the occasion, take me a bit longer to understand what is being said, which is kind of ironic because it is my silence that often has people misunderstanding me.

There are times a lot can be said with very little meaning whereas silence can sometimes mean more than words. The absence of sound can lead to awkward moments but it can also be quite comfortable. Most often, I think, the former is a result of fear or a feeling of insecurity. True enough the wordlessness of a person can mean that he or she is thinking no good thoughts and/or planning something misguided; but that really is something quite different... something wrong. Avoidance and secrecy may be considered silence, but it is more, it is trouble, and that can mean something that really is not silent at all.

Don't misinterpret what I am saying, communication amongst people is important, but there is a time when silence is too. Not speaking can lead to work getting done, ideas being created, emotions being fulfilled. Being able to close your eyes, breathe in and out, relax without words bogging down your mind.... that is the truest from of silence. Yet, we do not need to go that far to reach the peace I mentioned earlier.
As a writer I tend to like the absence of speech so that I can concentrate on what I am doing, though this can also apply to other aspects of my life as well.

Another side to quietude can also be about issues of isolation, depression and heartache; not dumbness or a lack of caring. It can seem to outside individuals that nothing is being said, but inside someone's head it is a whole different ballgame. That is why silence from one person should never be allowed to lead another to start making assumptions.

I think a little silence is healthy (a good quiet hug, even when hugging and accepting yourself, can heal) and it should balance with the words of a conversation; after all, life for the most part, is about balance.

The State of Being Resolute

So a little over three weeks ago we brought in a New Year, 2015, and a tradition that most people follow is that of making a resolution. Why?
I read somewhere that like 90% of New Year resolutions fail. So again, why?

I think that making a conscience decision to make a change, whatever that may be, to improve ones life is great! Moving forward, learning, changing, getting better, getting healthier, these things and more are all a part of life. Resolving to do these things can happen at any given time; so why December 31st/January 1st?
It is pressure. It's a new calendar year being changed so I guess people feel that they must change with it.

I used to make my New Years resolution along with family and friends, it was just what we all did. Soon it became kind of just became a gimmick, and then I stopped. I came to the conclusion that change, in any fashion, is a very personal thing. Trying something new, setting a goal and making improvement is very commendable but can involve struggles and challenges; and when made at the wrong time can also be unrealistic and perhaps a bit too ambitious.

New Year's eve and day are a great time to celebrate and/or relax, not a time to make life altering goals that you may be unsure about and are saying for the sake of... well, tradition. Whether it is a big or small or somewhere in between, change or improvement can really only happen when you are ready and when you know that you can get support when needed. There is nothing wrong with a little help because most often we cannot accomplish a whole lot completely on our own, anyone who thinks or says otherwise is fooling only themselves... well, maybe others. And that is the pressure that comes with the New Years resolution, that it needs to be done all on ones own because all eyes are watching.

Make your changes when you are ready and prepared, and know that mistakes can and are allowed to happen. Don't set out your goals according to the change of the calendar.