Monday, August 12, 2019
The journey to being accepted and feeling comfortable was a long one, the reason being that I did not understand what I was looking for. I fit in, but I did not fit in. I did not understand why my challenges were different from others… why I felt and went through struggles that they did not. Things for everyone else seemed easier, less complicated. And because of this, I felt as though I had to be someone I was not. I had to try and fight for something I did not know how to fight for.
I was happy with my life, but I was also confused. I felt like I was playing catch-up at things, and I was tired. Someone had put me on a battlefield with lots of armor, weighing me down, to fight an unknown enemy. I could not figure out why I was there.
When I finally came to a realization about the brain injury and learning disability I had acquired, I came to a realization about acceptance, finding comfort, and fitting in. And that is, I have all of these things. Though it took me some time, I am glad I found this path. And while I may not find acceptance and comfort everywhere, I know now that I have enough. I have always had enough, I was just having trouble seeing past the smoke.
I was blinded and tricked into thinking I carried the weight of challenge on my own. My difficulties and hardships may be unique, but unique to me. Not unique in the way that I was the only one… and that understanding has given me a new outlook. The ability to really start breathing and being honest. I was beginning to see my true identity.
Stepping off of that battlefield though, it not so easy. Regardless of the fulfillment and happiness I find in life, I am still mentally caught in this challenging dilemma. The battlefield is unseen and in my head. It can be emotionally draining and too many continuous unknowns prevent me from truly coming home.
Knowing though, that there are others on their own fields in their own fight, people that are by my side and willing to listen, this is what keeps me going. To know that I am not alone; that I don’t need to succumb myself to isolation. I have endured many struggles, but I have also seen so many helping hands.
My strength, motivation and inspiration, it all comes from so many avenues. From myself, from others. I just need to see and listen, to open up to support and love. Those victory moments can be found. And I can move forward, because I believe we all can. We can dig deep within, but we can also look to others around us.
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
So this past weekend was a rough one for me. I had to take some moments; I had to check myself; and then I really thought about some words a good friend shared.
“Take some time for some self-care”.
I saw that it really does in fact run over everything. It is always in demand. I have written about it before and I will do so again, I need to keep it forefront on my mind because life can be challenging and tough and even cruel.
I see the importance; the need to slow down, take time, relax, recharge and rejuvenate. I reflect and I understand. There is a lot more to it than simply indulging in ice cream, though treating yourself in that manner, and other ways like it, is also where it can start.
Going to see the latest ‘Star Wars’ film on my own on a Sunday after the hype has died down a bit, it definitely gives me some of what I need. I’m not a huge fan of crowds and I’ve always enjoyed my own time, doing something I like and watching a movie. Taking a break and living in my own head for a bit.
Taking mental well-being days from work is occasionally required and I should not feel embarrassed or in any way bad about needing that time. Breaks should be taken and it needs to be understood that pushing myself isn’t always healthy… for any of us. Both mentally and physically I should always be trying to take care, reminding myself habitually, because it is often too easy to forget.
Taking care is crucial for us to function, to survive, to do and accomplish things we rely on for both ourselves and for others.
- Spa days;
- Going to church;
- Talking to a social worker;
- Attending physiotherapy;
- Booking an RMT;
These things and more. Use the tools that make it work. Take the time to look back, feel and understand. If I rush through, not only will I possibly end up making mistakes, I most likely will only end up hurting myself. And it does catch up. I need to check myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Take the time to cry and to grieve. We are all us no matter what hat we wear in life, at work or at home. I don’t want to miss or forget anything or anyone important along the way.
Breathe; and take a little time for self-satisfaction, love and care.
What good is any of it if I am not well enough to enjoy it?
So take those moments, I was reminded to take mine.
Monday, December 31, 2018
So what is the big deal? December 31st of one year changes to January 1st for the following. It has happened before, since the dawn of time really. The crowds and the exhaustion. The chaos and anxious moments. Is it worth it?
The days past when I spent countless time searching for parking only to end up squished into a New Year’s party swaying back and forth, not because I wanted to sway but because the surrounding forces were at work. Not to mention the $$$ spent on a day that came and went just like that.
Why is it so significant to celebrate with family, friends, strangers even? The big to-do parties; the promises and resolutions that tend, for the most part, to end up broken.
I just want to close my eyes and forget the entire thing… this ritual of celebrating New Year’s Eve. Bringing in what is going to come regardless of a big ball being dropped.
But then that quiet moment occurs and I see.
Life, every year, from January 1st to December 31st, is full of chaos. Exhaustion, anxiety, shattered dreams and promises that do not happen; sadly, it is true. Time races by so fast that not only are strangers ignored, but at times friends, and even family. Sometimes even ourselves.
Things are unpredictable at best.
But it happens every year.
I believe in self-care. I believe we all need to sometimes stop and to take a step back when necessary. I know it is true, I have done it myself when needing to re-adjust. But often I forget or only do it half assed at best.
All of us need to remember, reflect, and see what really matters. Love; hope; laughter. We tend to cruise by these things in the fast pace of life. So maybe the calendar change is simply a reminder, a time for us to slow down.
Broken resolutions or not, big time party time or not, maybe it’s what is needed, to hit a stop sign and take a moment. To chill and maybe even rewind a bit. A capsule of time that seemingly forces us to pace ourselves enough to pay attention to our surroundings and start listening to the beat our drum is really playing.
What has been achieved? What, or who, has been loved or lost? What memories should be carried and held onto? Family, friends, partners and neighbours. Good times and bad. Moments, big and small. Dreams of what could be. Hugs, and smiles and little things in between.
Hold onto the memories of not only this year, but others that have passed; and continue moving forward. Doing it the best way possible and being authentic to who we are. Knowing we are responsible for our own happiness. Finding meaning in what we see fit. Seeing the dream, allowing ourselves to feel the hope, however that may play out. And altering our course or journey when needed.
These are the thoughts that help me hold my head up.
Yeah. I guess then it is worth it.