Inching Forward

Even if it is a little baby step, one foot or one toe at a time, I like to keep moving forward. Like the title indicates, it is sometimes, most often actually, slow and somewhat cautiously that I do this. It is seldom that I jump out of the gate full steam ahead, taking risks and throwing caution to the wind; but that is not to say it has never happened. I just tend to prefer things slow, (not turtle slow)  but something that I can ease into, something safe, something comfortable.
I have been through a lot in my life and I've learned to relax and enjoy the view, (a quote from my dissertation Breaking Down Barriers and Walking the Path of Accessibility, "For those of us who have come to appreciate a cautious approach to life offer a unique ability for the serene.") but it is also mixed with some of my confusions and misunderstandings and of me being a little scared of what's around the corner. Regardless though, I do move forward.

In the past I have lost friendships, romantic relationships haven't worked out, I've been hurt, I've been looked down on and blamed for things I had nothing to with, I've been left hanging, (receiving no response or feedback to a question or an attempt to make contact; not actually hanging) My hard work ignored and shunned. My stretched out helping hand taken for granted. But, I go on.
I have some great friends and I haven't given up on generating new ones..... same goes for those intimate relationships, work, or whatever else may be the case. Even though sometimes I think people just don't always understand me; that in some way, some how, my learning disability and the illness I encountered comes through and scares people off; or that I act like an idiot and say the wrong thing. Regardless of those few insecurities, I go on. Why? Simply put, because I can. I have a responsibility to continue moving forward...... learning and growing. This responsibility is not only to myself or to my mom who has a disability or to my friends or the fact that I want to be an AWESOME uncle to my new born niece; (though they are all important things) I have a responsibility to life.
I appreciate life and everything about it! I count myself blessed to be here.

I'm sure many of us have been through tough times or currently may still be in one. I'm sure many of us have been let down and hurt; whether physically or emotionally. I'm sure it has been or is hard to go on. But we are not helpless. Maybe if we think of it in terms of responsibility, life and moving on may just become easier. I know that some tasks can become daunting, but for the most part I think the responsibility of taking care of someone or something (a loved one, a child, even a job) become part of the natural flow and we learn to enjoy; even if it is only little moments.
At least that is how I go on. We all can...... Even if it is in inches.

The Written Experience

I have always been a creative person and I've been writing now for years. Articles, short stories, long stories, a novel. I have been published a few times and have one book out, "Chronicles of a Girl"; so I can now say I'm not only a writer but a published author. My road to publishing was a bit of a difficult journey. At first though, it was real easy, in fact, probably too easy. While I got all excited about the idea of my story being published for all to see and enjoy, I forgot about one a key element, (at least for me) "proceed with caution and find the right fit." I acted a little too fast and found myself stuck on a foggy road I was unsure of.
To make a long story short and get to the end result, I made it through and I am happy and proud of the fact that I have a novel with my name on it. And now, from experience, I've taken a little more caution toward publishing my second book. I will publish a second, and maybe even a third, fourth...... it could on; and each time I'm sure that the difficult journey will get easier. Publish or not, I will always write. Writing short or long stories, articles or this blog is in my blood and it is my choice. It is my preferred method of communication and in some ways even socialism.

I am a shy and quiet guy, but as I've written about in this series of blog posts, I am also a guy with a learning disability which has presented me with difficulties in keeping up with the pace of most others, hardships understanding things, confusion, frustration and communication barriers. I have difficulty at times finding words in my head and speaking in the moment. As much as I sometimes think ALL of this technology has gone way too far, and I have trouble understanding it, I am so grateful for it at the same time. It is a step up from using pen and paper and can be a better thing if your talent with the pen ain't so great. (I can be rather messy) In the social aspect to it, email gives me time to think about what I'm writing. I get to pause and reflect and even erase. Most of all, I get to make sure that I make sense and that I'll be understood; because there are times I think I'm not. Sometimes I don't even understand myself.
I like being able to express myself and to share. I have things to say and I think my opinions can be valuable. Writing is my chosen format and I believe it is my strength. We should all play to our strengths; not other peoples expectations.
I started this post off saying that I am a creative person. I like to sit down and create my own worlds and characters. I like giving some of those characters skills that I  admire. I like creating dramatic situations and being able to work through without much damage. In the real world it can sometimes get very scary and lonely. No mater what happens in my stories though, my characters will never leave. (Unless I choose for them to) That is something I cannot control in real life, but that is what makes writing such a treasure for me. I get to communicate and do things I have a hard time with in society. I get to learn and understand and grow and that is what helps me enjoy life!

So no matter what difficult road may present itself or the barriers I need to overcome, writing will always be my thing. Whether creatively or socially, it helps me share with others and myself, and I couldn't ask for more than that. Writing is my choice, and it has proven quite an experience. And just as everyone has their own thing, I'm sure that writing still has more to offer me.

A Choice of Character

I have quite a few character traits in my life; my own personal character traits and those I write about. The ones I write about and incorporate into the characters I create in my stories are usually the ones I find more exciting. The creative traits I come up with aren't necessarily outer worldly, but when it comes to the "good guy" I tend to take more chances with what my characters do on paper, (because I get to know the outcome ahead of time) as opposed to my REAL life which I go through with just a little more caution. And while occasionally I borrow traits for my fictional characters from others or simply make them up as to what feels right for that person, my main "hero" or "good guy" is given a fair amount of traits I either have, agree with or aspire to.
It is one of the main reasons I write. I enjoy allowing some of those altruistic qualities of a person shine a little more than they sometimes do in REAL life

In REAL life, I try to live with my own altruistic character traits. But I find it hard sometimes to be the person I think I should be. Making the right choice isn't always easy and sometimes I'm afraid of doing something wrong or letting someone down. I just have to remind myself that doing something wrong or letting someone down is bound to happen sometimes; we can't all do everything perfectly. But then sometimes I wonder if thinking that way makes us as perfect as we can be.

I try to live by an unspoken set of rules that are written in my head; although I suppose now they'll be written here. It is not always easy to live by these rules, I sometimes feel I fail or come a little short at certain things, but I try. These rules are borrowed, in part, by Don Miguel Ruiz, who wrote The Four Agreements.

Rule #1 Always give it your best effort.
Rule #2 Choose your words carefully. Even though I am a writer who loves words and think they can be very powerful, meaningful, and descriptive, I think that they can sometimes get in the way.
Rule #3 Learn to let things go. How many of us let one thing ruin an entire day? I've seen someone, surrounded by friends, wallow in misery because of something that happened in the course of 15 minutes at work.
Rule #4 Listen. How many people do you think hear what you say and the noise you make as oppesed to actually listening to your words?
Rule #5  Appreciate. Beautiful things are everywhere and happen all the time.
Rule #6 Take your time. People are always in such a hurry. It can make #1, 2, 4 & 5 problematic.
Rule #7 Don't assume. Everything changes and every thing, situation and person are different.
Rule #8 Be optimistic. If you want life to suck, it will.
Rule #9 Accept. Change is inevitable; different situations will arise; and sometimes, these rules won't apply and/or will need to be changed.

I realize some people may think these rules are lame, but when it comes to that I apply Rule #3. :) Maybe some of you have your own rules in life to help you get through.
These rules help make up the person I am and the character traits that are within me. In life there are so many choices, and like me, I think a lot of us try to make the right one. To be good; to help others; to take the right path. I think it all boils down to our choice of character, who we want to be. And I think making that internal choice, will help with all of those external ones.

Giving

"I give so much more than I get" ~ Michael Buble

Writing this blog popped into my mind this week after my home town suffered a tragedy that has left over 100 people in this small community in dire need and homeless. A fire broke out and destroyed apartment units in a townhouse building complex in the early hours of a Monday morning. Thankfully no one was seriously injured, but much was lost.
People of this town have united with donations of all sorts and are trying to help put those affected back on their feet. Food, clothing and financial aid have been thrown into the pot along with a scheduled fundraiser. The tragedy is sad, but the helping hands are a joy to see.

I wrote a dissertation a while ago, "Breaking Down Barriers & Walking the Path of Accessibility". It is about my life and dealing with my disability, and maybe somewhere along the line my eyes really opened up and I grew an extra heart, (although literally I don't think that would happen; mind you, read my short story called "Heart Beats") and in my dissertation I wrote a chapter (Chapter 8 Pg 28) titled "Extended Hand" where I refer to a dream of mine to be a philanthropist. Donating, volunteering and even just simply taking the time to listen to others or sharing a smile or hug is so refreshing. It is nice to see that when hands are reaching out there are others reaching back. In minuscule ways that most of us don't even think about, we do ALL kinda' live for each other.

The line I wrote to start off this blog by Michael Buble, I know is from a song about finding love, but I think maybe those words apply to my communities event and many more like it. For various reasons people, somewhere, are always in need. I know that times are tough for everyone, and I'm not saying to be giving always, all the time, (We're all busy) or donating everything from the kitchen sink to emptying your bank account. (That's not realistic) But in a way I think we should all give more than we get; because I think sometimes too many of us are cerned about "getting".

Labeling labels

What is it with labels? Sometimes, having a label seems like a good thing, sometimes, not so good.

Labeling a can of food is probably a good thing..... it helps when trying to decide what to eat. And being able to see a price tag is helpful...... I find it so annoying when a product is left blank, I mean at least label the self it sits upon. A label on a pair of pants? We all know the brand name may drive up the price on similar jeans without the name, but when the label refers to whether you are getting a size 38 or size 36 in waist can help. Although I've bought one fitting size in store A only to buy another exact same fitting size from store B and found them to really NOT be the same fit at all.  I swear the labels read the same thing! But it is only clothes and I accept that different manufacturers are in fact different and don't necessarily run with a universal scale.

So labels on inanimate objects or products seem ok......or so it seems. But when it comes to labeling people and what we do, that is when things become a challenge.

We all have labels at work.... we just call them titles. I think these titles are needed, sort of. These titles help identify what we do, though sometimes I find titles of someones job to be just a little too fanciful. Labeling like this can feed an ego but can also be a bit misleading to others. I don't mind the title I have in my current job, but my last job I had the word "Manager" added onto my title and that led people to think I was in charge of things I wasn't; I've never had a managerial position. It drove me crazy that people kept going on and asking me about things I had no control over!
On the side of my workplace career, I write, and as a writer that is the only label I want to have..... well maybe a "good" writer, but that's it. I don't write horror or science fiction or comedy, but I want to be able to whenever I choose. I have no genre, no label.

I so do not agree with labels that distinguish race or religion; to me, a person is a person. I have had a learning disability since I was hospitalized as a child, I've faced many barriers and challenges in life because of it. But I would never want to be labeled as someone with a disability. I'm Mark, that's it! However, and here is where it gets tricky, I am thankful for knowing that I have a learning disability; because this knowledge allows me to understand why I have certain limitations or why I need help with things that confuse me.
This entire thing came about the other day when I was talking with someone who was telling me that their (very young) grand child was diagnosed with ADHD; a small indication of relief was heard. This person was not celebrating or saying "I'm happy", but knowing now that this child could be given assistance, that explanations and understanding and maybe some peace of mind could be had, that was the relief. On the opposite side of the scale I heard a story from a mother about how it was kind of sad that we, society, had all of these acronyms to label our kids with; ADHD, ADD, OCD, or words like Bipolar, Asperger, Dyslexia, the list goes on.

I think knowing is what's all important here; the being labeled isn't really all that bad until people abuse or misunderstand and start assuming things because of those labels. The fact that some people choose to discriminate or jump to a conclusion over getting educated about something is beyond anyone's control. Regardless of what others say we can all be alright as long as we live by the saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones but labels will never hurt me"; and besides, educating ourselves is where the real power lies.

Tiny Feet

I stood in the hallway of my home the other week beside the front double door entrance. We have large glass windows set inside the centre of each door which gave me a great view to see out across the lawn, the road, and to the lakeside hilltop. I was in a great position, sheltered by the comfort of being inside, to watch the oncoming storm. It came on quickly, flying across the lake in the form of a white wall of gusting wind. In an instant the waves rose, white caps formed, and then it turned to a big blur of grey. A tree on our property came crashing down; no warning, no gentle fall, just a fraction of a second plunge to the ground. A window shutter was forcefully pulled from the brick exterior of my home. The wind was brutal! Everything was twisting and turning and I was surprised that only one tree fell. I literally felt the wind pushing against the house. The rain came quick and hard and soon turned to pelting hail and even though I was inside, I could feel the sting of those small cubes hitting my skin..
My dog was freaking! My mom was freaking!

15 minutes and the entire thing was over.

Later that night I thought about that fallen tree and how I'd have to clear it away and clean up any other mess from the storm. I thought about all of the other reports that I had heard about, fallen debris, toppled telephone wires and fires that began as a result. I thought about those poor people from Joplin Missouri and all that they had suffered from that devastating tornado. I thought about all the natural disasters around the word and all of the chaos and damage and deaths. It is sad. Life can be so depressing and unfair and challenging.
Here I was cursing over my own lawn tractor needing a new battery and my grass being overgrown. But seriously, aside from natural disasters, we've all had it tough and we've all lost. From the everyday barriers I face due to my disability, family struggles, heart ache and employment woes, no one (I think) would blame me for getting down on myself and saying, from time to time, "my life sucks!" 
Time is an uncontrollable thing and I feel, much more lately, that I have not enough to get done the things I need accomplished. I forgot about a couple of things, responsibilities, that I would normally be on top of. Even this blog, something I thought I'd be able to at least do once a week, has been slipping with lack of spare time. I don't have the time I used to to sit down and write.
Things change, I get that, I am comfortable with that, but I thought as I got older and wiser things would become less hectic and frustrating and not be so rushed. That onslaught of a storm reflected my life and I questioned if I was having some sort of crisis or meltdown in my head.

Four weeks ago today my sister had a very beautiful baby girl. Her first. I became a proud Uncle; proud of this little girl simply blessing us for coming into our lives, into my life.

So in the midst of my snowballing frustration, when I was mumbling profanities and made up words under my breath, (my dog looking at me as if I were a disturbed puzzle that needed to be figured out) when I felt tears forming in my eyes from confusion and lost hope, an image popped into my mind and stopped me short. I cleared my pupils and rubbed my head. I laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling; though it wasn't the ceiling I was looking at. I was staring at those cute, adorable, soft, often moving about, tiny feet. There was no physical picture on my ceiling, just in my head, and it subdued, unraveled and pushed aside everything.
I don't want to say that this image will forever keep me from getting fed up in life or from screaming out (in my head anyway) @*!#$&^^ explicit narratives.  But for the first time, I REALLY saw how easy it is to see just how peacefully beautiful life can be.

I'm sure everyone, or at least I hope, has their own thing, their good luck charm, their reprieve, their outlet. I have often turned to my writing, or maybe even taken time out to go for a walk with my dog, or waited to talk to a friend.... something to work towards getting. I did not think it was quite as simple as letting go, for it, for that serenity, to come in. I found the peace I needed to find in the image of those tiny little feet. An instantaneous gratification! And I know that these feet will grow, but that is part of what makes it so beautiful.
Simple beauty can outshine all that terrible darkness, I think we just need to look past our frustrations to see it. I always thought I knew how to beat back the pain, but I'm learning more all of the time about just how easy it can be. Because that calm, powerful beauty, is always there; even in the toughest of times. I just have to learn how to see it properly. The tiniest thing can overshadow the biggest horror.

Life poses us a challenge; for me, my answer to it is "tiny feet." What's yours?

Literary Confusion

So as a writer I often wonder if I'm supposed to have a fascination with words. I guess if that were posed to me as a question my answer would have to be "maybe" or perhaps "most of them".
I believe that words can be very powerful, some are fascinating, some are funny sounding, some create images in ones head, but some, I find, are just confusing. Words like Book (he wrote a book or let's book the hotel room) or Present (this is the present, that was the past or here is your birthday present from me to you) that have different meanings are fairly simple to understand; but only to some people and only with certain words. What about a word like Constitution? The most common meaning is: the principles on which a state is governed; but it can also refer to a persons health. Formula isn't too bad, but the meanings can be far and distant to each other from the baby's food to a set of math equations to the plan to negotiate peace between countries at war. Operation can refer a life saving surgery or a precise and potentially deadly military attack. An operation took place to save the officers life, as he got shot during the operation to take over the enemies territory?

The word Bugger to me would be used in that little bugger. In the UK it refers to someone who engages in anal sex; who would have thought?

I don't get how the word Stupid has come to mean something good. Disgusting? Sick? The word that probably gets to me the most is Viral. (Justin Bieber's hit went Viral) I get; it spread over the internet or airwaves at a phenomenal rate. But every time that I hear or read the word Viral I just can't help but think of a spreading infection or disease. When I was hospitalized as a young child, I had a viral brain infection......... so perhaps it affects me more and not everyone see's it that way. Well, obviously not every one, or the word wouldn't be used that way.
I tend to get confused quite often about things and I can get words swimming around, or stuck in my head at times. I can't always get the words out that I mean to say..... sometimes leading me to not saying anything at all. Sometimes when I do say something my words aren't made that clear and my confusion ends up confusing others. But then there are also times I don't think people really listen to words as opposed to just hearing the entire dialogue spoken. It is why I try to be impeccable with my words so that my point is short and sweet. It is also why I prefer to write, whether it be a letter, an essay, a report or a story.
I always enjoyed being creative and making up stories but I began really paying attention to words when I was in my mid twenties and went through my Creative Writing program. Because of some of my barriers in life due to a learning disability this understanding of all these words and meanings proved a daunting task at times. But it was when my mom had her accident, a brain injury that resulted in her having Aphasia, (an impairment of language ability; ranging from having difficulty remembering words to being completely unable to speak, read, or write.) that I really began to comprehend the true difficulty and power that words could have. It is not the big, fantastical, imagery words that matter, it is the small, short, simple direct ones that get us places. Whether it be her life, my life, reading a personal letter or a good novel, literary simplicity is what moves us forward and allows to enjoy.
Like in my previous blog, Hollowing Passion, I love words because of their power; but I think we should keep it simple.