Labeling labels

What is it with labels? Sometimes, having a label seems like a good thing, sometimes, not so good.

Labeling a can of food is probably a good thing..... it helps when trying to decide what to eat. And being able to see a price tag is helpful...... I find it so annoying when a product is left blank, I mean at least label the self it sits upon. A label on a pair of pants? We all know the brand name may drive up the price on similar jeans without the name, but when the label refers to whether you are getting a size 38 or size 36 in waist can help. Although I've bought one fitting size in store A only to buy another exact same fitting size from store B and found them to really NOT be the same fit at all.  I swear the labels read the same thing! But it is only clothes and I accept that different manufacturers are in fact different and don't necessarily run with a universal scale.

So labels on inanimate objects or products seem ok......or so it seems. But when it comes to labeling people and what we do, that is when things become a challenge.

We all have labels at work.... we just call them titles. I think these titles are needed, sort of. These titles help identify what we do, though sometimes I find titles of someones job to be just a little too fanciful. Labeling like this can feed an ego but can also be a bit misleading to others. I don't mind the title I have in my current job, but my last job I had the word "Manager" added onto my title and that led people to think I was in charge of things I wasn't; I've never had a managerial position. It drove me crazy that people kept going on and asking me about things I had no control over!
On the side of my workplace career, I write, and as a writer that is the only label I want to have..... well maybe a "good" writer, but that's it. I don't write horror or science fiction or comedy, but I want to be able to whenever I choose. I have no genre, no label.

I so do not agree with labels that distinguish race or religion; to me, a person is a person. I have had a learning disability since I was hospitalized as a child, I've faced many barriers and challenges in life because of it. But I would never want to be labeled as someone with a disability. I'm Mark, that's it! However, and here is where it gets tricky, I am thankful for knowing that I have a learning disability; because this knowledge allows me to understand why I have certain limitations or why I need help with things that confuse me.
This entire thing came about the other day when I was talking with someone who was telling me that their (very young) grand child was diagnosed with ADHD; a small indication of relief was heard. This person was not celebrating or saying "I'm happy", but knowing now that this child could be given assistance, that explanations and understanding and maybe some peace of mind could be had, that was the relief. On the opposite side of the scale I heard a story from a mother about how it was kind of sad that we, society, had all of these acronyms to label our kids with; ADHD, ADD, OCD, or words like Bipolar, Asperger, Dyslexia, the list goes on.

I think knowing is what's all important here; the being labeled isn't really all that bad until people abuse or misunderstand and start assuming things because of those labels. The fact that some people choose to discriminate or jump to a conclusion over getting educated about something is beyond anyone's control. Regardless of what others say we can all be alright as long as we live by the saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones but labels will never hurt me"; and besides, educating ourselves is where the real power lies.

Tiny Feet

I stood in the hallway of my home the other week beside the front double door entrance. We have large glass windows set inside the centre of each door which gave me a great view to see out across the lawn, the road, and to the lakeside hilltop. I was in a great position, sheltered by the comfort of being inside, to watch the oncoming storm. It came on quickly, flying across the lake in the form of a white wall of gusting wind. In an instant the waves rose, white caps formed, and then it turned to a big blur of grey. A tree on our property came crashing down; no warning, no gentle fall, just a fraction of a second plunge to the ground. A window shutter was forcefully pulled from the brick exterior of my home. The wind was brutal! Everything was twisting and turning and I was surprised that only one tree fell. I literally felt the wind pushing against the house. The rain came quick and hard and soon turned to pelting hail and even though I was inside, I could feel the sting of those small cubes hitting my skin..
My dog was freaking! My mom was freaking!

15 minutes and the entire thing was over.

Later that night I thought about that fallen tree and how I'd have to clear it away and clean up any other mess from the storm. I thought about all of the other reports that I had heard about, fallen debris, toppled telephone wires and fires that began as a result. I thought about those poor people from Joplin Missouri and all that they had suffered from that devastating tornado. I thought about all the natural disasters around the word and all of the chaos and damage and deaths. It is sad. Life can be so depressing and unfair and challenging.
Here I was cursing over my own lawn tractor needing a new battery and my grass being overgrown. But seriously, aside from natural disasters, we've all had it tough and we've all lost. From the everyday barriers I face due to my disability, family struggles, heart ache and employment woes, no one (I think) would blame me for getting down on myself and saying, from time to time, "my life sucks!" 
Time is an uncontrollable thing and I feel, much more lately, that I have not enough to get done the things I need accomplished. I forgot about a couple of things, responsibilities, that I would normally be on top of. Even this blog, something I thought I'd be able to at least do once a week, has been slipping with lack of spare time. I don't have the time I used to to sit down and write.
Things change, I get that, I am comfortable with that, but I thought as I got older and wiser things would become less hectic and frustrating and not be so rushed. That onslaught of a storm reflected my life and I questioned if I was having some sort of crisis or meltdown in my head.

Four weeks ago today my sister had a very beautiful baby girl. Her first. I became a proud Uncle; proud of this little girl simply blessing us for coming into our lives, into my life.

So in the midst of my snowballing frustration, when I was mumbling profanities and made up words under my breath, (my dog looking at me as if I were a disturbed puzzle that needed to be figured out) when I felt tears forming in my eyes from confusion and lost hope, an image popped into my mind and stopped me short. I cleared my pupils and rubbed my head. I laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling; though it wasn't the ceiling I was looking at. I was staring at those cute, adorable, soft, often moving about, tiny feet. There was no physical picture on my ceiling, just in my head, and it subdued, unraveled and pushed aside everything.
I don't want to say that this image will forever keep me from getting fed up in life or from screaming out (in my head anyway) @*!#$&^^ explicit narratives.  But for the first time, I REALLY saw how easy it is to see just how peacefully beautiful life can be.

I'm sure everyone, or at least I hope, has their own thing, their good luck charm, their reprieve, their outlet. I have often turned to my writing, or maybe even taken time out to go for a walk with my dog, or waited to talk to a friend.... something to work towards getting. I did not think it was quite as simple as letting go, for it, for that serenity, to come in. I found the peace I needed to find in the image of those tiny little feet. An instantaneous gratification! And I know that these feet will grow, but that is part of what makes it so beautiful.
Simple beauty can outshine all that terrible darkness, I think we just need to look past our frustrations to see it. I always thought I knew how to beat back the pain, but I'm learning more all of the time about just how easy it can be. Because that calm, powerful beauty, is always there; even in the toughest of times. I just have to learn how to see it properly. The tiniest thing can overshadow the biggest horror.

Life poses us a challenge; for me, my answer to it is "tiny feet." What's yours?

Literary Confusion

So as a writer I often wonder if I'm supposed to have a fascination with words. I guess if that were posed to me as a question my answer would have to be "maybe" or perhaps "most of them".
I believe that words can be very powerful, some are fascinating, some are funny sounding, some create images in ones head, but some, I find, are just confusing. Words like Book (he wrote a book or let's book the hotel room) or Present (this is the present, that was the past or here is your birthday present from me to you) that have different meanings are fairly simple to understand; but only to some people and only with certain words. What about a word like Constitution? The most common meaning is: the principles on which a state is governed; but it can also refer to a persons health. Formula isn't too bad, but the meanings can be far and distant to each other from the baby's food to a set of math equations to the plan to negotiate peace between countries at war. Operation can refer a life saving surgery or a precise and potentially deadly military attack. An operation took place to save the officers life, as he got shot during the operation to take over the enemies territory?

The word Bugger to me would be used in that little bugger. In the UK it refers to someone who engages in anal sex; who would have thought?

I don't get how the word Stupid has come to mean something good. Disgusting? Sick? The word that probably gets to me the most is Viral. (Justin Bieber's hit went Viral) I get; it spread over the internet or airwaves at a phenomenal rate. But every time that I hear or read the word Viral I just can't help but think of a spreading infection or disease. When I was hospitalized as a young child, I had a viral brain infection......... so perhaps it affects me more and not everyone see's it that way. Well, obviously not every one, or the word wouldn't be used that way.
I tend to get confused quite often about things and I can get words swimming around, or stuck in my head at times. I can't always get the words out that I mean to say..... sometimes leading me to not saying anything at all. Sometimes when I do say something my words aren't made that clear and my confusion ends up confusing others. But then there are also times I don't think people really listen to words as opposed to just hearing the entire dialogue spoken. It is why I try to be impeccable with my words so that my point is short and sweet. It is also why I prefer to write, whether it be a letter, an essay, a report or a story.
I always enjoyed being creative and making up stories but I began really paying attention to words when I was in my mid twenties and went through my Creative Writing program. Because of some of my barriers in life due to a learning disability this understanding of all these words and meanings proved a daunting task at times. But it was when my mom had her accident, a brain injury that resulted in her having Aphasia, (an impairment of language ability; ranging from having difficulty remembering words to being completely unable to speak, read, or write.) that I really began to comprehend the true difficulty and power that words could have. It is not the big, fantastical, imagery words that matter, it is the small, short, simple direct ones that get us places. Whether it be her life, my life, reading a personal letter or a good novel, literary simplicity is what moves us forward and allows to enjoy.
Like in my previous blog, Hollowing Passion, I love words because of their power; but I think we should keep it simple.

Howling Passion

Something I have always enjoyed doing is sitting down, somewhere, anywhere, and writing. As a kid I enjoyed making up stories and sharing with others what I would create. It was my way to express myself  and know that I had something to contribute.... even if my work was rarely seen. It was a great release for a kid who found a lot of things in this big scary world difficult and confusing.
After I had been hospitalized at an early age and was on the road to recovery from a life altering illness I became very shy and quiet, timid and scared. Of course, I had great family and some very good friends to help me get through, but it was my inner creative juices that helped me slowly gain a certain confidence. Short five page stories turned into, well, longer short stories. Plot lines became an extension to my life....... an adventure; characters became secret friends that only I knew about and got to give some super powers to, both mythical and existent, that I would fantasize about having myself. As scared or confused as I may have been, my characters were not, they knew what they were doing; there was always to be a positive outcome.
Over time I learned how to hone my craft of the written word through classes I took in High School, College and more specifically my Creative Writing Program. I got to know about character development, viewpoints, theme and strategy, scene and structure. I have since published articles as well as a book, "Chronicles of a Girl", that has lead to me writing two sequels; unpublished but being worked on. I have have a list of other ideas along with a drawer in my office of half started rough drafts of story ideas. My mind is constantly moving and working out tall tales. I love writing and I hope that anyone reading my works can at least see the passion behind what I do. I may not be the best or most successful writer around...... but I am very enthusiastic about it in a very quiet way!

My writing has helped by allowing me to create worlds, or a world, that I can keep up with. This though is only one of my reasons for being so passionate about it. Writing has helped me grow and has clued me in to things about myself and others. I have gained a great deal of understanding through writing which continues to build each day and I'm sure will go on into the future. I have come to terms with the illness I went through as a child and what I still deal with today; which I wrote in "Breaking Down Barriers and Walking the Path of Accessibility." I have come to cope with other lifetime events with the aid of pen to paper, or keyboard to computer. Writing helps me communicate with people in ways I never imagined myself being capable of...... and in a way has given me a voice. I get to share and maybe even help others through my words. But the best of it, is that I can see how this wonderful art form is therapeutic, not only to me as I've stated, but to others. And writing can bring people and worlds together.

 

The written word is a powerful thing! It can bring up emotions; things like anger, sadness, laughter, joy, enlightenment, clarity, peace, love..... relief. Writing can instill bravery and overshadow loneliness and even despair. Writing can teach and it can heal.
My life is about the few, but precious, family and friends I have in it. But I am also surrounded by words I get to play with, create, share and receive. I am so thankful...... maybe even beyond words; and that, says a lot.

Look How Far I've Come

A couple of days ago I turned a year older. I took time to reflect, not necessarily on my life and what I've been through but my accomplishments and all the good and wonderful things around me. I have been trying to take time to do this a little more often than I have in the past because I've been finding it very easy to get caught up in all the things that are either negative or really unimportant, or holding no real meaning, to our lives... or my life in this case. It is easy to look at the things that we don't have or the everyday stresses we endure or the things we try and maybe fall a little short at. I've found myself looking down and concentrating all my energy on that black hole and ignoring the wonders of my life...... "ignoring" may not really be the right word...... I don't ignore people or happy, fun moments; not now or in the past. But I think you might know what I mean, because I think we've all either done it or continue to do it. It's hard to ignore that slightly darker side of things; I still find times when I get caught up in it.
I once had a job that consisted of quite a few staff members, and no matter how many praises or complaints were given and received after someone did a good job at something, it only took one small negative comment or a certain tone in some rather harsh feedback and the cart was over turned.
Life has its fair share of bad things going on all time, but they are outnumbered by a billion and one good things you and I should not take for granted. People fall in love, babies are born, friendships are made, people graduate, birds sing, flowers grow........ we accomplish more things than realized.  

Something I once read and liked by Amy Oskar, a friend who wrote, "Good out numbers evil by the billions; love outshines hate every time; and even the dimmest light can chase darkness from a room."

So when I reflect I think about the wonderful people in my life and precious memories shared. I think about my home and the work that I put into it and how well it provides shelter and accommodates friends and family. I think about my education and the struggles I have been through. I think about the everyday barriers I face and how I work hard to overcome a lot of them and then deal well with the rest. I actually look at my resume and all I have achieved and feel a sense of pride. Through the years my Oma and Mom have taken so many pictures of things it is unbelievable the photo albums that rest in this house. Turning the pages makes me smile and I feel warm inside to know that this family continues with the picture taking tradition. Not just to capture and keep memories but to document growth and achievements.
I have leaned to communicate effectively (I hope)........ more so though with written words as opposed to verbal dialogue...... though I think I'm getting better at that too. I understand the difference between right and wrong and I've come to terms with the fact that sometimes good and bad things can strangely go hand in hand. Acceptance of anything and everything that happens in life is at times very difficult... but unless you have a time machine, once it is done it is done...... It is how you handle it and move forward that is the only part to worry about. I accept and adapt to things rather well I think, because I know that even though sometimes it may suck, change is pretty much unavoidable.
My life has been great, chalk full of goodness! I chose to believe that will continue and I will grow. The best is yet to come but the best has also already happened.

(Something I wrote quite a while ago that I think reflects how far I've come and who I am)

At a young age I was hospitalized with a viral brain infection. I was inches from losing my life.
I had lost those years and had to re-start everything. EVERYTHING!!
Early on in life I lost my dad. I miss his guidance.
Because of these two events I went through my teenage years confused and feeling awkward.
When I was 29 my mom fell and hit her head, resulting in a brain injury that will most likely plague her for the rest of her life.
In between I’ve dealt with other family issues, inconsideration, lawyers, doctors, lawsuits, deceit, financial woos and uphill battles.
I’ve had problems with distant relatives.
I’ve had friends turn their backs and walk away.
I’ve experienced sorrow, tears, and loneliness.
I’ve been sick and to the doctors for many things.
Because of the brain infection that once was, I easily get confused. I have trouble keeping up.
I get tired, I get headaches.
I’ve been lied to.
I’ve been made fun of.
I sometimes feel inferior.
Relationships have not worked out for me.
I may lose more than I will ever win.
I sometimes hurt and I sometimes cry.
I know what it feels like to have your heart broken.
But………..
There is a lighter side; a side which I try to focus on.
Sometimes I may hate my life. Sometimes I may love my life. I usually try to find somewhere in between to rest, it’s what gives me the most satisfaction, the most happiness.
As much as I may have been wronged by others, I do not hate anyone.
I always see the good, or at least I try to.
I have a lot of love to give.
I accept that I will never find true perfection, only what I accept to be perfect.
I understand that there is no ‘meant to be’.
I’ve learnt to be good and true with my word.
I try not to assume.
I realize people will come and go.
I have some of the best people in my life with awesome qualities that I don’t think they even realize.
I am proud of my sister and of my mom and of all that they accomplish.
I am proud of where I live, my community, my country.
I’m not rich, but I’m not poor…..in so many ways more than financial.
I do have certain expectations……but far less than most.
I know that change is inevitable and as much as it can sometimes hurt I’ve learnt to roll with it.
The sun will always come up and there will always be a new day.
Regardless of all the crap I’ve been through in my life’s journey ……..
I still smile.
When I take my dog for a walk I plug in my MP3 and sing to the music.
I still laugh.
When I make dinner I can be caught doing a little dance in the kitchen.
I treasure other people’s happiness more than my own.
A lot of the time I am alone but not necessarily lonely.
I am independent.
I am creative.
I am sensible.
I am a laid back individual.
I understand compromise.
I have good character.
I am patient.
I am strong.
I am a dreamer.
I am so much more than this.
I am……. Me.

Progression of The Lonely King

So I've been contemplating this blog entry in my head for a while now, I thought it might give the wrong impression, that I'm complaining and hoping for people to feel sorry for me. That of course got me thinking about some of my other work where I've talked about my disability....... my challenges. But I've concluded that people will make up their own minds and that I should just worry about my writing and hope that I make myself clear; because I'm not saying these things to gain a soft shoulder or sympathy, but to share, to hope that maybe we can all, including myself, learn something.

Understand this, by referring to myself as "The Lonely King" in no way am I saying, or trying to create the image, that I sit alone, wallowing in my own misery of loneliness. In fact, I see my life in its entirety, being quite the opposite. But there are times that I do feel that lonesome unease that perhaps some or all of us feel on occasion. When this happens I question myself quite often as to whether or not feeling this way is a bad thing? Am I allowed to feel lonely? Should I feel guilty instead? Because quite often I feel that too. My disability is part of who I am, and my disability has opened the door to mild and sporadic cases of depression. Adding to that depression is my frequent bouts with confusion and frustration and even forgetfulness. That leads to sadness, sadness because I know I shouldn't feel these things. You see where the confusion comes in?
I have a few very good friends and I'm happy with what I've got, I do continue to grow and meet others, I have a great mom and I get along terrifically with my sister. I keep busy and work hard and well at my job. And I spend time doing my own things like working around the house, watching a movie here and there, and writing....... these things I do by myself and I like to do them by myself. But then a voice in my head says that I'm not opposed to having some company, that I don't have that many friends, that I'm still searching for that special someone. Then the confusion starts, the frustration, the depression, the loneliness. I start to feel like no one understands me or the way I think...... there are times that I don't even get my own thoughts.

In the title of this blog I began with word "Progression" because I am constantly moving forward. While I still may feel like "The Lonely King" at times, a lot of this stuff is yesterday's news. I am learning to be more open and honest with myself and others and I am finding that this communication thing really can help. Confusion and depression still riddle me from time to time but things are becoming more and more settled in my head.
There are times when I may be physically alone but feel no loneliness. There are times when I am surrounded by people and feel completely in the dark. In the end it comes down to the way I decide to let myself feel about any situation, and I'm getting better at seeing the light in them all.......... because I acknowledge and accept and stand up to the fact that I am alone; I am a loner; I am a cowboy; I am a rock star; a dreamer; a genius; I'm both the lamb and the lion; I am a thinker; a writer; a friend; a son; a brother; an uncle-to-be. I am "The Lonely King" with some very good friends standing in a shroud of happiness and contentment.
I am sure there are others who who feel bouts of loneliness, for whatever reason. I am beginning to understand that we all have the power to become that conquering king over loneliness. It can happen quicker for some I've realized, but as long as I stay on the path, I get stronger all the time.

The Defining Moment

Remember in the movie "Jerry Maguire" when, after his one and only client gets into a football "accident", finally wakes up and runs into the crowd, Jerry realizes what it is all about? I've seen other scenarios just like this one, as I'm sure we all have, in movies and television shows and read in books. The hero, or main character, has an epiphany that makes everything right. He or she does something or says something or sees or listens to someone else. An action, an internal voice sounding off, a sign from the heavens, a motivating speech is given. It is played out or written down so clearly.
In "real" life I don't think anyone is following a script, I don't think those moments are that easy to find, at least not for me. Sure, I've learned a lot in life and my experiences have brought me to a better place, but I don't think there has been one clear-cut moment. I used to think I would get mine, that life altering moment when things became better, when I began to understand what my life was meant to be. I would think, once I reach a certain age things will click...... once I get a good job; once I get a girlfriend; once I graduate from high school; then college. At least that was what I was hoping for, something to make my life easier, for things to make sense. I think over time, once I gave up and stopped looking for that one "defining moment", I began to understand and realize that what I was looking for and hoping to get would never happen.
I really do love those moments in the movies, that amazing happiness, that bliss of understanding. It is a rush to get it all at once. But it is more realistic to understand that it comes to us, to you, to me, spread out over time. Once you acknowledge this fact, and this may sound a bit strange, you can get that exact same rush. Only it comes at you in little pieces over and over and over again.

I've talked about acceptance in my past blogs, honesty, talking or discussing, patience or taking time to do things and not motoring through. All of these things, I have realized, have to do with finding the moment; because it is not a moment, it is moments, more than one. They will continue to come. And the "moment" is really a "choice". You get to choose how it affects you. So my "defining moments" are really my choice.
I can recall quite a few terrible tragedies that have occurred in my lifetime thus far, I can also visualize in my head a few happy, blissful, care-free and fun moments. Good or bad, joy or sorrow, I've chosen (now) to accept them all; to be honest about them; I've chosen to talk with others; I've become patient and I choose to continue to do so regardless of frustrations. They have all become "defining moments". I've been through a lot of them and I know I'll be going through a whole lot more to come. Knowing that these moments are my choice as to how "defining" they become, I look forward to them and that rush of blissful happiness and understanding...... and growth.

Some of our "moments" will obviously be bigger than others; but again, this is our choice. Any experience, or lesson learned, from any given situation can be utilized in any way we choose. We'll make our mistakes, I sure have and will again, and they have become moments too. Life, I think, is full of "defining moments". They are not all ours, but if we happen to walk by them or into them it is our choice as to what meaning they'll bring to us.
I cherish my moments, both good and bad. Yes, tragedies are sad, but I chose not to focus on the loss only the knowledge and growth gained. How I got through those moments is what I concentrate on; because I think I'm a pretty good person and my ability to handle and learn from those moments is what makes me who I am.