Progression of The Lonely King

So I've been contemplating this blog entry in my head for a while now, I thought it might give the wrong impression, that I'm complaining and hoping for people to feel sorry for me. That of course got me thinking about some of my other work where I've talked about my disability....... my challenges. But I've concluded that people will make up their own minds and that I should just worry about my writing and hope that I make myself clear; because I'm not saying these things to gain a soft shoulder or sympathy, but to share, to hope that maybe we can all, including myself, learn something.

Understand this, by referring to myself as "The Lonely King" in no way am I saying, or trying to create the image, that I sit alone, wallowing in my own misery of loneliness. In fact, I see my life in its entirety, being quite the opposite. But there are times that I do feel that lonesome unease that perhaps some or all of us feel on occasion. When this happens I question myself quite often as to whether or not feeling this way is a bad thing? Am I allowed to feel lonely? Should I feel guilty instead? Because quite often I feel that too. My disability is part of who I am, and my disability has opened the door to mild and sporadic cases of depression. Adding to that depression is my frequent bouts with confusion and frustration and even forgetfulness. That leads to sadness, sadness because I know I shouldn't feel these things. You see where the confusion comes in?
I have a few very good friends and I'm happy with what I've got, I do continue to grow and meet others, I have a great mom and I get along terrifically with my sister. I keep busy and work hard and well at my job. And I spend time doing my own things like working around the house, watching a movie here and there, and writing....... these things I do by myself and I like to do them by myself. But then a voice in my head says that I'm not opposed to having some company, that I don't have that many friends, that I'm still searching for that special someone. Then the confusion starts, the frustration, the depression, the loneliness. I start to feel like no one understands me or the way I think...... there are times that I don't even get my own thoughts.

In the title of this blog I began with word "Progression" because I am constantly moving forward. While I still may feel like "The Lonely King" at times, a lot of this stuff is yesterday's news. I am learning to be more open and honest with myself and others and I am finding that this communication thing really can help. Confusion and depression still riddle me from time to time but things are becoming more and more settled in my head.
There are times when I may be physically alone but feel no loneliness. There are times when I am surrounded by people and feel completely in the dark. In the end it comes down to the way I decide to let myself feel about any situation, and I'm getting better at seeing the light in them all.......... because I acknowledge and accept and stand up to the fact that I am alone; I am a loner; I am a cowboy; I am a rock star; a dreamer; a genius; I'm both the lamb and the lion; I am a thinker; a writer; a friend; a son; a brother; an uncle-to-be. I am "The Lonely King" with some very good friends standing in a shroud of happiness and contentment.
I am sure there are others who who feel bouts of loneliness, for whatever reason. I am beginning to understand that we all have the power to become that conquering king over loneliness. It can happen quicker for some I've realized, but as long as I stay on the path, I get stronger all the time.