Saturday, January 16, 2016

I Am


So on a cold November night in 1978 I was rushed to the hospital with a viral infection known as Encephalitis, and this led way to growing up and living with a brain injury. I was six years old. Years and years went by before I was actually diagnosed with this by a Neuropsychologist; meaning that the result of my hospitalization was me simply growing up and spending most of my days living under a shadow, a mysterious presence; a combination of isolation, confusion, and fear. Not knowing why.

Still, I kept my head up (figuratively at times) and moved ahead.

I never gave up, even if I may have wanted to.

I have been referred to as “stupid” and I’ve heard the phrase “You can’t do that” many times, (though I’m sure in my mind it happened a little more often than it actually did) I was held back a few times in school and I failed some classes, or most usually just squeaked by. Since school I have had trouble through the years with employment; though I have always managed to get back into the game after being pushed out of the ring. I have had difficulties with relationships as well… whether any of it is related to my disability or if it is just me, I don’t know.

I never gave up though, even if I may have wanted to.

I keep my head up (figuratively at times) and move ahead.

Being quiet and reserved is me, but I still have some strong beliefs and values and I will always fight to do the right thing. I will always try my best, even when tired, and if my best is not good enough, then perhaps it is your loss.

I may not always voice my emotions, but I do wear them on my sleeves and for this reason I guess sometimes I act impulsively.

I am smarter than you may think but also a bit na├»ve to the world around me, because as much as I may see and understand that evil things happen, I still don’t believe in it.

I can love perfect strangers and am willing to give my life to certain family and friends.

I want to be there for others more than you know; perhaps maybe (foolishly) more than I am capable.

My memory is shady at times and may play tricks on me every once and a while, but I still know of isolation and confusion and fear too well; and it hurts me to know that other people feel and live with those things just as I did… just like I do.

It brings me pain to know that I can only do so much to help; whether you believe that or not doesn’t matter.

Even though I may want to give up at times because of the frustrations I feel, I don’t.

I keep my head up (figuratively at times) and move ahead.

When I was six I experienced my first big traumatic event, there have been others since then. Along with a multitude of good and great times, I have gained and grown so much.

It is a new year, for new experiences; new loves and new heartaches… but some just as old.

And I will keep my head up and keep moving forward; for both you and for me.

I am who I am… for better or worse… like or not.

I love life.

I am happy;

I am sad;

I am everything in between.

 

I am…

 

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