So on a cold November night in 1978 I was rushed to the hospital
with a viral infection known as Encephalitis, and this led way to growing up
and living with a brain injury. I was six years old. Years and years went by
before I was actually diagnosed with this by a Neuropsychologist; meaning that
the result of my hospitalization was me simply growing up and spending most of my
days living under a shadow, a mysterious presence; a combination of isolation,
confusion, and fear. Not knowing why.
Still, I kept my head up (figuratively at times) and moved
ahead.
I never gave up, even if I may have wanted to.
I have been referred to as “stupid” and I’ve heard the phrase
“You can’t do that” many times, (though I’m sure in my mind it happened a little
more often than it actually did) I was held back a few times in school and I
failed some classes, or most usually just squeaked by. Since school I have had
trouble through the years with employment; though I have always managed to get
back into the game after being pushed out of the ring. I have had difficulties
with relationships as well… whether any of it is related to my disability or if
it is just me, I don’t know.
I keep my head up (figuratively at times) and move ahead.
Being quiet and reserved is me, but I still have some strong
beliefs and values and I will always fight to do the right thing. I will always
try my best, even when tired, and if my best is not good enough, then perhaps
it is your loss.
I may not always voice my emotions, but I do wear them on my
sleeves and for this reason I guess sometimes I act impulsively.
I am smarter than you may think but also a bit naïve to the
world around me, because as much as I may see and understand that evil things
happen, I still don’t believe in it.
I can love perfect strangers and am willing to give my life to
certain family and friends.
I want to be there for others more than you know; perhaps maybe
(foolishly) more than I am capable.
My memory is shady at times and may play tricks on me every once
and a while, but I still know of isolation and confusion and fear too well; and
it hurts me to know that other people feel and live with those things just as I
did… just like I do.
It brings me pain to know that I can only do so much to help;
whether you believe that or not doesn’t matter.
Even though I may want to give up at times because of the
frustrations I feel, I don’t.
I keep my head up (figuratively at times) and move ahead.
When I was six I experienced my first big traumatic event, there
have been others since then. Along with a multitude of good and great times, I
have gained and grown so much.
It is a new year, for new experiences; new loves and new
heartaches… but some just as old.
And I will keep my head up and keep moving forward; for both you
and for me.
I am who I am… for better or worse… like or not.
I love life.
I am happy;
I am sad;
I am everything in between.
I am…
