But it is not just the onslaught of Christmas songs on the radio, the chaos in the malls, the pressure of present giving, family visits, the parties, the food, the decorations. It is the cold and harsh weather. The cloud cover and lack of sun. The tension of driving, or trying to move anywhere, through snow, wind and sleet. The shoveling. Trying to stay warm. Trying to do things for yourself when you can't help worrying or thinking about others. It is tiring and it is lonely and it can give one a feeling of being lost.
I had the most wonderful three days over Christmas with my family, but is over; and right now, as I write this, I am tired. I look out the window and I get lost; not in thought, in nothingness. I feel alone but not alone.... if that makes sense. As much as I want to be by myself right now I want to be with my loved ones again. I see the flying snow outside and I absolutely dread having to go out and shovel, but part of me knows I'll enjoy doing it and getting the cold fresh air. There are times when I even think that the falling snow is one of the most beautiful things this world offers. That is how my injured brain works......(not that everyone with a brain injury feels these things) and the awkward thoughts and feelings are there all year through, but seem to intensify during the wintery months.
And I write in this blog because it helps me understand me. Writing has become a bit of a coping mechanism to get through. It allows me to be expressive in ways I don't know how to be in any other form. I write in this blog so maybe people might get a chance to understand. I write to maybe help others who feel similar things but feel like they have no means of expressing it.
I think one of the hardest things about feeling these kind of...... blahs, this depression, is expressing it. I don't mean just finding the words, but actually saying or writing it. The feedback from others can a little overwhelming or not needed..
"I thought you were happy? Where you lying?" That's what they might say. And how do you answer that? That day I was happy. Most days I am happy. But sometimes I'm not, and it is not that I'm sad, I'm just..... blah. And the change can be a frequent occurrence.
Let it be. Try to understand that happiness and depression can sometimes come from the same place and it can be okay. Because the brightest things can come from the darkest places. Life's beauty isn't completely lost in those moments of blurriness.
I absolutely love my family. I cherish my friends. I enjoy my work. Through all of these things I try to be a good person and live an uplifting life and share that with others. But I still get hit with depression, I still get tired, I still get the Blahs. But I am still me, and it is all okay.