I'm In It

Life can be hard! Life can suck! The ugliness it can offer tends to creep up on me, more often than I'd like.  But anyone who knows me, or even anyone who has read these blog posts I've written, knows that I have made a choice. That choice has been to remain positive, and for the most part I do. I try to see things in a simplistic way. I focus on beauty and love, peace and goodwill. I have faith.
But there are times I see problems in my choice. Not because I see problems in being that way, I believe in seeing the light in everything and I know that deep down it is who I am. Call it what you will, but I really do think it is the way everyone should be. The problem is making mistakes, personal mistakes, and not being able to see through or past them. One or two isn't that bad, but eventually it starts getting foggy if you can't let go. And the silver lining that I always look for becomes a struggle to grasp onto.

I've made both financial and emotional mistakes. I won't really get into the financial ones (of course one could say that since I have a good roof over my head and haven't gotten into any serious debt, I'm fine) but I can tell you that these things can make you second guess yourself. As can the emotional ones. There are times I'm pretty sure I say the wrong thing..... or perhaps too much...... or maybe even too little. I have come to learn that sometimes, even saying nothing, can lead to problems; because someone else comes to the conclusion in their head that there is a reason I'm saying nothing....... usually one that is bad. It never seems to be "Oh, he's just happy", or "He's comfortable". Maybe sharing my personal views on this blog is a mistake. I like to think not, I like to stay positive about it, but who knows.

I'd like to say that I learn from my mistakes, but I am not entirely sure that I do. Fact is I am happy with my life; I always have been.... or at least I try to be. I love the people in my life and the things they have brought to it. I enjoy my writing and I enjoy my work. But I can't get around my mistakes, no matter how positive and happy I try to be. I don't understand. I live with confusion.
One thing I do know though, is that I'm in it; life. I'm not gone and I'm not going anywhere. (not by choice anyway) I make mistakes, I'm not sure how to fix them or keep from making them. I don't know how much I'll ever understand or how long I'll stay confused about certain things. But like I said at the beginning, I try to focus more on beauty and love, peace and goodwill. That helps balance things.
I have faith and I'm going to keep it.....mistakes and all.