I know it is there.

 It is hard to explain, but I feel it; I can see it.

As I look out my front hall window to the snowy setting stretching onto forever it seems, I get lost in thought. What is going on in this world? Really. What?

The lockdown to the grey zone to the stay at home order and then back to the grey zone red zone.

The violence, the riots.

All the chaos and madness over this past year; even before then really.

Am I sad? Am I angry? Am I disappointed? Maybe a plate full of everything plus a side of confusion.

But when I close my eyes and stand still inside a few moments of silence, I know it is there.

It is hard to explain. I reach for it, I feel it; I can see it.

It is there when I go to the grocery store and I am welcomed at the entrance with a smiling face; yes, even with the mask I can see the smile; I can hear it in the voice.

I went to pick up a takeout order from a local restaurant the other day and when I spoke with the waitress there about all the support in other takeout orders and big tips being given, it was there.

During my work staff virtual meetings, looking over all of those Brady Bunch boxes and chatting with my co-workers; it is there too.

The signs cheering on frontline workers, the acts of kindness, the mini Pride parade I saw in my home town last summer to the Christmas drive-bys and displays.

I see it in my niece’s eyes when she is sitting on the couch, sometimes telling me a story of her future plans to buy a horse farm, or studying the latest Tik-Tok.

When my nephew laughs during our snowball fights or in the summer months when bat hits ball and he runs the invisible bases, (in his game they are in a zig-zag pattern) there it is.

It is hard to explain, because it is many different things, many different colours. It is bright like a shooting star. It resembles the shape of a Valentine’s Day heart, rainbow and a cascading waterfall all at the same time. It sounds like that cascading waterfall, but also speaks to me in many different ways and languages, yet I can never really remember what it says.

It is glowing.

It is beautiful.

It is forgiveness and acceptance.

Fuel for the power of love; not the love of power.

Regardless of all this sadness and disappointment, this anger and confusion, I can see it.

Even though, God forbid, there seems to be no ending to the darkness at times. That hope is only a dream. But it only seems that way. I know it is not true, not in the least.

I think it is in us all.

I reach for it.

I can feel it.

I can see it.

But sometimes I have to wonder, does anyone else?

Eyes Forward

I have always known that I am pretty blessed to be living in a wonderful home and doing a job I really enjoy, but over the somewhat horrible year of 2020 I have realized this even more so. I say “somewhat” because I am someone who is forever trying to grasp onto a silver lining to pull me through the dark times; and there were some wonderful moments of generosity and spirit of kindness. I mean is washing your hands, staying away from others when sick and giving more thought to safety, really all that bad?

My job for me has allowed the flexibility to work from home 3 of the 5 days a week. I am doing things I never really gave myself time to do before, like going out to take walks, taking a few moments to exercise, not rushing through gobbling down food and instead trying to get to something healthy. I am also able to pay a little more attention to helping out my mom and her needs.

Like I stated above, I have learned to appreciate my home and where I live, and all with a smile on my face and a little less frustration in my veins. I still am able to hold onto some luck in hard times.

I realize everyone is in a different place than me, in many ways it is not fair. We all operate and go through life in the way that works best given our surroundings. Not everyone is afforded what I have and we all live with different experiences. But I do hope that we can ALL see the real importance of life after and during these still crazy times, taking care and being a bit more mindful. I hope we can ALL be given opportunities.

Eyes are being open in new ways and with a new light to some much needed changes, I know mine are. As someone who silently battles with a damaged brain, I am not sure where to look next, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

There is so much talk around the “new normal” and “vaccines” and the scariness of COVID. So much chaos and confusion (all of which hold merit). But I think there is also more than just these things.

I have felt my share of roller coaster emotions from sadness to anger and all of those in-betweens.

Hopefully as we look forward in 2021 we can focus a little more on what is being given to us. The road ahead is long, it will often be challenging, but the possibilities can be great.

Let us see the opportunity to slow down, to gain, to truly work together as a community, to open our hearts and eyes. An opportunity to be open and vulnerable to the changes of life. To let go of the notion about achieving perfection, I am imperfect and I have made my mistakes, we need to embrace and acknowledge our mistakes; there is no need to turn a blind eye and run away from them, because life is about a continuing cycle of growth and learning.

There is so much more to moving forward than just a vaccine. We need a way to find that 'more', and together we can show that we deserve it.

Let’s all be well and let’s continue to work at ALL of us keeping safe.