Some Changes

Difficulties come and go, but sadly, some remain. I have seen my share and I continue to live with the ones that do not seem to want to leave me alone. But even when they do, they don’t; know what I mean? The reprieve is little, and the chance of return seems to be unending and the reoccurrence tends to come when least expected.

Those challenging times, or traumatic events, they are always in the back of the mind, serving as reminders to vulnerability. Chalk it up to part of life’s experiences I guess.

But while dealing with the hardships, while trying to accept and adapt and make any needed changes, I try to look beyond; always searching for something to grasp onto that is real, that is better. Because while changes happen, things also remain the same. The love of my family, the friendships I have gained, the great memories, the laughter, the accomplishments, my self-worth and my identity.

I don’t know where I may have gone wrong with certain things, but I do recognize where I have gone right… or at least I try to.

Mistakes, improvements, loves and loss.

Some things change, some things don’t.

In life we change, we grow and we learn new ways; but we also stay the same.

I still remain quiet and creative, but become more confident in time. Like a good book, my character has developed and followed new paths. And while my heart is open, welcoming, and frequently worn on my sleeve, it remains constant.

Something happens and creeps up in life, and I think about changes. New directions in which to go about the routine of living. We incorporate new things such as diet or maybe exercise. We add things, we take some away. But in the end, with all of these new explorations and experiences, good or bad, I am still me. Regardless of the added on, or different, layers, the authentic me is still right here. And as long as I remember, who I am and what I can offer, I can deal and get through anything.

Eyes on the horizon and toward any coming changes.

Battlefield

The journey to being accepted and feeling comfortable was a long one, the reason being that I did not understand what I was looking for. I fit in, but I did not fit in. I did not understand why my challenges were different from others… why I felt and went through struggles that they did not. Things for everyone else seemed easier, less complicated. And because of this, I felt as though I had to be someone I was not. I had to try and fight for something I did not know how to fight for.

I was happy with my life, but I was also confused. I felt like I was playing catch-up at things, and I was tired. Someone had put me on a battlefield with lots of armor, weighing me down, to fight an unknown enemy. I could not figure out why I was there.

When I finally came to a realization about the brain injury and learning disability I had acquired, I came to a realization about acceptance, finding comfort, and fitting in. And that is, I have all of these things. Though it took me some time, I am glad I found this path. And while I may not find acceptance and comfort everywhere, I know now that I have enough. I have always had enough, I was just having trouble seeing past the smoke.

I was blinded and tricked into thinking I carried the weight of challenge on my own. My difficulties and hardships may be unique, but unique to me. Not unique in the way that I was the only one… and that understanding has given me a new outlook. The ability to really start breathing and being honest. I was beginning to see my true identity.

Stepping off of that battlefield though, it not so easy. Regardless of the fulfillment and happiness I find in life, I am still mentally caught in this challenging dilemma. The battlefield is unseen and in my head. It can be emotionally draining and too many continuous unknowns prevent me from truly coming home.

Knowing though, that there are others on their own fields in their own fight, people that are by my side and willing to listen, this is what keeps me going. To know that I am not alone; that I don’t need to succumb myself to isolation. I have endured many struggles, but I have also seen so many helping hands.

My strength, motivation and inspiration, it all comes from so many avenues. From myself, from others. I just need to see and listen, to open up to support and love. Those victory moments can be found. And I can move forward, because I believe we all can. We can dig deep within, but we can also look to others around us.

A Little Bit of Self

So this past weekend was a rough one for me. I had to take some moments; I had to check myself; and then I really thought about some words a good friend shared.

“Take some time for some self-care”.

I saw that it really does in fact run over everything. It is always in demand. I have written about it before and I will do so again, I need to keep it forefront on my mind because life can be challenging and tough and even cruel.

I see the importance; the need to slow down, take time, relax, recharge and rejuvenate. I reflect and I understand. There is a lot more to it than simply indulging in ice cream, though treating yourself in that manner, and other ways like it, is also where it can start.

Going to see the latest ‘Star Wars’ film on my own on a Sunday after the hype has died down a bit, it definitely gives me some of what I need. I’m not a huge fan of crowds and I’ve always enjoyed my own time, doing something I like and watching a movie. Taking a break and living in my own head for a bit.

Taking mental well-being days from work is occasionally required and I should not feel embarrassed or in any way bad about needing that time. Breaks should be taken and it needs to be understood that pushing myself isn’t always healthy… for any of us. Both mentally and physically I should always be trying to take care, reminding myself habitually, because it is often too easy to forget.

Taking care is crucial for us to function, to survive, to do and accomplish things we rely on for both ourselves and for others.

• Spa days; 
  
• Going to church; 
• Talking to a social worker; 
• Attending physiotherapy; 
• Booking an RMT; 
• Exercising;

These things and more. Use the tools that make it work. Take the time to look back, feel and understand. If I rush through, not only will I possibly end up making mistakes, I most likely will only end up hurting myself. And it does catch up. I need to check myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Take the time to cry and to grieve. We are all us no matter what hat we wear in life, at work or at home. I don’t want to miss or forget anything or anyone important along the way.

Breathe; and take a little time for self-satisfaction, love and care.

What good is any of it if I am not well enough to enjoy it?

So take those moments, I was reminded to take mine.